more plans

i'm organising a girlie video (they're dvds these days) nite for next frid or sat with some of my cousins. I was given 2 dvds one with 3 classics: casablanca, gone with the wind, doctor zhivago and the other is a girlie movie called the Notebook. Will also try to get that Lake movie with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock....i just read the name on Lill's blog and forgotten it already :)

I love casablanca, so will definitely watch that for the 100th time :) Not a great fan of Gone with the Wind, and have never seen Doctor Zhivago...so will reserve judgement. I know I've seen the Notebook...my cousin loved, but truly I can't remember it...she seems to think i enjoyed it but i don't remember thinking that much about it, so will see. I seem to think it's for a younger generation...

Not sure what my men will be doing, but if my Mum's watching it with us, we will have 20 questions to answer...hoping she will visit someone just to save all the chit chat :)

As for New Year's eve i'm going to my cousin's place for a quiet nite...good food, good company and lots of laughs. Another late one of course! But will recover the next day. So should be nice and relaxing. Might find some alcohol free bubbly.

servanthood

One of the great things about my Lord and Saviour was the choices he made. He chose to be a servant instead of a King. He chose to suffer instead of rule. With one word he could have saved himself a lot of pain and humiliation but he chose obedience and self-denial.

I believe I have failed the self-denial test of a good and faithful servant. To deny one's self means to ignore the offences of others and pour blessings on them...as my Saviour hung on that dreadful cross he said...Father, forgive them. They know not what they do...

Even though he was meant to sacrifice his life...a part of God's upside down thinking...Jesus still felt the need to intercede on our behalf. As he prayed in the garden before he was arrested...his thoughts turned to us. Not just his followers at that time, but to all those who would believe because of them. He thought of you and me.

That phrase: a good and faithful SERVANT. Not a good and faithful LEADER. Servant for me is the key. We focus on being good and faithful and we all want to hear that when we stand before our LORD. But SERVANT, who wants to be that? Who can truly say they are a SERVANT?

We all have areas we are good at serving in but that's not the same as being a SERVANT. A servant attitude.

When the LORD has asked me to forgive because he forgave me, I have been able to do that except for ONE. Some of the offences have been huge but i have overcome them all except ONE.

The point is I haven't been able to practice self-denial. Every day I love that person, but it only takes one thing to happen and it will remind me of the hurt and betrayal. I know that this person has been consistent for a year now but it's the four years before that. I hate lies.

The LORD is asking me to be like him and every day I keep saying to him I CAN'T DO IT! Yet i know how much he has forgive me for and continues to do so.

Right now I'm struggling with IS IT WORTH IT? I write that and the Holy Spirit within me screams LOVE IS ALWAYS WORTH IT.

I just hope before i meet my awesome MAKER that I have moved on and let go of this corpse hanging on to me. OK so I'm the one doing the hanging on. Self-denial, servanthood...why must they go hand in hand????!!!

updates

My energy must be returning. Today had my nieces and nephews (5 altogether) over for a swim. They spent almost 5 hours in the pool! I was in with caleb for an hour or so but he was starting to overheat. We kept the snacks and drinks rolling while myles continued to play and entertain.

My 2 yr old niece and caleb watched from the balcony with my mum and i. Then we had pizza and packed them off home. They looked so wasted they were practically ready for bed!

Not sure if I mentioned it but ended up using my small christmas tree from London, it's made of twine and has a little cane basket at the bottom. Decided it was much better than a plastic tree and it's small enough to put on our dining table so caleb can't reach it :) Will use it next year too as will have 2 little ones under my feet.

Pregnancy...going well but i'm noticing strong smells more this time around. My mum was cooking earlier this week and I felt queazy. Had to go sit outside. Petrol fumes and rubbish smells just make me want to spew. Last time I would just hate the smell but my tummy didn't react. Mum thinks this means I'm having a girl.

New year around the corner - a time for new year's resolutions. I wonder what the new year will bring? I'm hoping for lots of good news and no family losses - too many deaths in my family over the last few years. This year we had 2. Just births and weddings, I hope.

Two of my cousins are having children around the same time as me - all in Sydney. One in late May, the other in mid-June and then me -end of June. Makes it all the more exciting. Except they are in their early 20s and I will be 40 next year.

A big year for bdays in my family - myles and I will be 40, and my Mum will be 60. Next year will be a year of saving. I am hoping to go to Ireland beginning of 2009 for a cousin's wedding. Taking my whole tribe. It will be our 40 pressie to each other. If baby no.2 is born in end of June then he/she will be 8 mths which is young i know but as long as we time it well he/she may sleep most of the way...caleb on the other hand...it will be an adventure!

As for my Mum, will throw a 6oth party which will be no small event. Haven't figured out how to do it, but my next house had better have big living spaces because she will invite her whole family. At least 50 people...not including all the little ones.

Oh well have a year to work that out. It wouldn't be so complicated if I wasn't sure where she plans to be in November. She's going home to Samoa sometime next year with her siblings to renovate their family house. It's one of those silly follow your heart kind of plans because none of them live at home and only one of my cousins remain. So who knows who will maintain the place. But it's something they have to do. And I don't like standing in the way of decisions made from the heart :)

As usual lots of plans but I'm reminded of that verse from Proverbs...a man's heart plans his way but it's the LORDS who directs his steps. I wonder what direction my steps will take this year, care of the LORD?

christmas

Christmas, family and pregnancy is a lethal combination for doing nothing but just that. I have no energy to do anything else like write, read or even watch tv.

Today was spent sleeping and eating...that's all I had energy for, oh plus looking after caleb every now and then, thanks to my Mum taking responsibility for him today. Myles has had another bout of the cold. Christmas starts on Christmas Eve for me. We got home at 4amish from my cousins house.

Spent Christmas Day recovering and having lunch with my household and myles bro.

Oh well, I just have to go at what pace my body sets. I'm just grateful my Mum is around to do so much during this busy period.

My son had a great christmas. Hanging with his cousins, being spoilt. I am grateful the LORD has surrounded him with family who actually beam at the sight of him and whisk him out of my arms to spend time with him.

Even my 2 year old niece who usually makes way too much noise was telling grown-ups to 'ssshhhh' because caleb was having a nap. They are going to be best of friends. Thanks LORD.

catching up

I have been trying to catch up on reading other blogs that I enjoy (Faith and Lill, and one of Faith's church leader ones). I feel like I've been gone for months because there is so much to catch up on. I keep going back because I think I've missed posts. I know it's partly because of the cold and being overtired from my many late nights with family.

I realise that everyone has such busy lives. This is the busy season. Christmas around the corner. For me, I have yet to organise Caleb's birthday party and haven't started Christmas shopping yet. But I love Christmas because I love buying pressies for my huge family.

This year we are trying something new - they call it Kris Kringle...where you put everyone's names in a hat and pick one. So you buy a great present for one person instead of lots of little pressies for everyone. We tried this a few years back, but we ended up buying other presents for everyone so it didn't work.

My Christmas starts on Christmas Eve. We get together as a family...in my case that's my brothers, sister-in-law, 5 nieces and nephews, cousin and her husband, plus 4 adult children and their partners, plus my two men, and my Mum. We have a bbq together and hang out most of the afternoon till Christmas arrives at midnight. We normally have a little thanksgiving service just before Midnight then when it arrives we pop party poppers and give out pressies.

Have a few treats and then we start departing....about 3amish. Yip, we are a family of night owls. And we train our kids from an early age :-). Actually some of the younger ones have a nap and wake up when the service happens.

Then we all sleep in Christmas morning...but some of us are too excited and still get up early. We have a family lunch and my brother-in-law normally joins us Christmas day.

Right now Myles and I are trying to decide what kind of tree we're going to get. We normally get a christmas tree in a pot with the aim of taking care of it and using it every year...so far I've killed 3 trees...I think...i leave it full of decorations for too long so they start life water deprived....and no matter how much i water them it's too late :-(

So not wanting to kill any more beautiful trees, I'm thinking of a plastic tree...but i hate plastic trees...so have to go tree hunting for an alternative until Caleb is older and we can go try a real tree again....maybe with age I will have learnt the error of my ways and will actually remember to look after the tree past Christmas Day!

missing in action

it's been a long time. I have been busy with our family wedding and lots of family gatherings. When we have family gatherings we stay up all night laughing and talking. So when I get home I just crash. I think we all run on adrenalin and if neighbours hear us they would think we were having a party and drinking too much alcohol. But we're all just happy to be with each other, eat lots of food and drink coffee and tea.

The last visitors left on the weekend. But then I caught a cold end of last week, which i still have but even worse I have passed it on to my little son. His first sickness since he was born almost 12 mths ago. We're off to the doctors soon to make sure it's nothing more than just a cold...being 1st time parents.

Plus Caleb has been teething during the whole wedding etc so he's had it rough lately. But you would never guess it looking at him happily playing every day. He's getting his molars so his gums are a bit swollen.

My mum of course arrived like the tornado she is. Within the 1st day I already had a list of things I should and shouldn't do with Caleb :-)

She is returning from Adelaide tomorrow after spending a week with her eldest sister who has alzheimers. Myles will be glad to see her so she can take care of us. He took the day off today from work.

My Mum is the best cook I know. She's a perfectionist and wouldn't think twice about spending hours and hours in the kitchen cooking and baking. She's already decided Caleb is having a blue teddy bear cake for his 1st bday party.

I've been so busy it's now creeped up on us and the hardest thing we have to decide is who to invite. 1st birthdays are meant to be huge, but they really end up being about all the guests and not the child. So I've been trying to think of ways to make it about Caleb, celebrating with him. Not that he will remember it - but i will have video footage!

So it's a pool party for the kids and bbq for everyone....that's the plan so far. Will wait and see tomorrow what my Mum has planned in her head....i can see the guest list getting bigger :-)

1st steps

my son walked today!!! He took his 1st 5-6 steps towards me. He was at the time busy trying to hold on to my legs while i was in the kitchen. so I took his hands off me and tried to let him stand on his own. But as I moved away he moved towards me.

Of course, I scooped him up and screamed in celebration which kind of scared him. It was such an awesome moment and he didn't even realise he'd done it!!! He was just trying to get a hold of his mummy.

Only last nite myles was looking at an old photo of caleb when he was much smaller. He was reminiscing about how he was so small and couldn't do anything but lie there. We had to do everything for him...and now he can walk!!!!!

How amazing is the LORD!!! How he formed us in our mother's womb, and made life so that we would learn so much in such a small period of time. What a Master Creator. He deserves all the glory!

churches

Christians search for that perfect church one where they can belong to as part of God's body. But churches are never perfect. And why should they be? If there is one thing i know about my LORD is he loves imperfect. He loves us. And churches are made up of very imperfect christians. Humans are imperfect. Even in the world there are no perfect organisations.

And churches are very different from each other. To be expected because we are different and have different needs and passions. I have belonged to awesome churches and not so good ones, even ones that were great and became very bad.

I wonder what makes a good church? For me, the most important criteria is illustrated by that church that went wrong. It's going to seem obvious when i say it and people take it for granted that all churches are led this way...but...anyway...they must be God led - God's vision for that church no matter how big or small, helps that church fit into the Lord's body, everyone fulfilling their God given purpose...a primary vision or purpose.

If it's not led by the LORD and he walks out the door waiting to be invited back...nothing will come of that church. Even if it does good works - it's not the good works the LORD planned in advance for that church. They can wander around in the desert for as long as it takes.

Two other keys for me are RELEVANCE and UNITY. These two words illustrate that we are IN the world but not OF the world.

A united church shows the world a different example - the example of Father, Son and Holy Spirit...united as ONE but each fulfiling a different role. A family. For me this starts with the leadership team. They are the examples we aspire to and try to follow...if they say one thing and do another, if they don't know how to be a team...if they are not God led and blow with the wind...then how is that different from the world's example? In fact some in the world do unity better, do family better :(

A relevant church reaches out and touches worldly lives. It's not stuck in a century long gone, but adapts to the community around them. Jesus is timeless. One of the things I love about him is his ability to meet the need of whoever he was talking to - he knew them, their greatest trouble, their worse fears and deepest need and he gave them a different option.

He was the Son of God so of course he's the author of discernment. But if we want to be like him, then we need to get to know our local community, not just the bigger picture...save the world...but who ever is in front of our eyes...our neighbours.

And then we need to offer them a different option - that works....yip it has to work...and it can't just be window dressing...otherwise people will leave disillusioned. Our Lord was always sincere and never offered something he couldn't deliver - false hope belongs to Satan, not to believers of the One true God.

Like us churches are works in progress. Like us, they develop a relationship with the LORD over the years. And this relationship like any other has ups and downs. Do I belong to a church that fits these 3 things that are important to me?

We are only a couple of years old so it's very early days for us...i think we are trying to be God led, relevant and united. We are trying to build a family that functions well together. It's a beginning. We have made mistakes but like I said, churches, like people, are not perfect.

house hunting

I have been house hunting for a couple of months now. Not sure if i've mentioned it already. We rent and we moved into this place 18mths ago. We lived in a unit but with a baby coming we decided to find a house.

My brother who lives with us was going to find his own place. But he changed his mind - I think he enjoys Caleb's company too much :-)

Usually i have a list of requirements and i pray about it. The LORD has always met these and given me even more than i expected. When we found this place Myles and I both liked it immediately even with it's flaws. But it wasn't in our price range. I prayed about it and knew if the LORD wanted us to have this place it would go down in price. So I kept an eye on it and it did.

It has been great - swimming pool for all the kids during summer, Christmas here with all the family. But we need more bedrooms as my brother is staying on and Myles' sister is moving over from New Zealand.

So now my list has lots of things and over the 2 mths i have changed my mind about what's important. And I thought perhaps the LORD wants me to stay in a place which is less than perfect for once. I told him that's fine just show me which place.

So today found a house which was in Brighton, lots of chill out areas, close to cafes and supermarket, but 2 bedrooms were small. Lots of character - I loved it. But Myles wasn't sold on it. I just put it down to the LORD's answer of a less then perfect home.

I was so sure it would be a great place for us to live. So I convinced Myles and we were going to apply tomorrow. But normally when we find a place Myles and I both like it. So that stuck with me. I said to the LORD if we apply and you don't want us to live there then please don't let us get it.

The LORD has given me all of what i asked for in this house and more. But I have changed my mind again. It's too much to take a place that I like and Myles isn't sure about. We both need to like it. It's not only another requirement but the most important one.

When I first started searching a pool was a must. Then it became near a station. Myles coming home earlier was a must. It must have 4 bedrooms because Myles sister needs her own room. But then I started thinking 3 bedrooms would be enough.

It seems I really don't know what I want or what is a priority. So how is the LORD suppose to answer my prayer if I keep changing my mind?? It makes me thankful that I know who my LORD is. Thankful for his patience at my indecisiveness. Thankful that he knows me better than I know myself. And he knows my man, our lives, Caleb, our yet to be born child...all these things he takes into account when he answers my prayer.

He knows what's best for all of us because he sees the whole picture. So I have decided to amend my prayer even further by saying I don't know what I want, please help me decide what's important, what we need. And most importantly let Myles and I both know and have peace about it.

My search begins again.

boring life

my life this week is full of boring moments. I'm overly tired and spend the day getting by. I recognise it as being pregnant because i was exactly like this with caleb. Except I didn't have caleb so i slept 10-12hours. But at the moment there is an almost 11mth little boy crawling around exploring his little world which is our lounge and kitchen. So I sit on the floor with him playing with his toys or lie on a couch exhausted...plus i do my housewife chores.

This week has been especially extreme because of the depressing winter like weather...dark, cloudy, cold, wet on and off throughtout the day...not the kind of rain that you can enjoy but just drizzling on and off. It doesn't really fill me with enthusiasm to wrap up in warm waterproof gear and take caleb for a stroll. I can't drive.

If i didn't recognise my personal signs of being preggy then I would probably pull my hair out at how mundane my life is. But I know this too shall pass. I just need to wait for the weather to change, for the weekend to roll in, and my energy levels to return. Plus my man can drive and we can get out and about without worrying about caleb being caught in rain or cold weather.

I am having coffee with my aunty tomorrow after house hunting in the morning. Then Sunday my cousin is baptising her 2 boys. So another family filled weekend. At some point I am going to take time out, sit in a cafe by a beach and just enjoy the fresh sea air. That always works wonders at restoring my soul.

It's funny but if i didn't know myself so well then all this could be very depressing. But I have a strong spirit thanks to the LORD and I know my coping mechanisms, thanks to the LORD :-)

This too shall pass.

another little one

my run in with God's little creatures continues...found a lizard in my cupboard...just a little one. so chased it out the backdoor. Good thing my mum wasn't here, she would scream the house down...she hates lizards. And hopefully my brother didn't run into that huntsman spider on the patio as he hates spiders. Must remember to tell him so he can keep an eye out...he's forever smoking out there.

nesting

I have had a serious nesting day...when pregnant women have the urge to spring clean everything...hence why i am still awake at 12:56am.

I have also had a day surrounded by the LORD's little creatures...insects. This usually happens when the weather is hot, everything tries to crawl inside our cool house.

Firstly, a dragonfly with a broken wing, I tried to entice it on to a paper towel, but it wouldn't budge so I left it on my window. But tonite it succumbed and Myles had to put it out of it's misery...that was sad. I set a christmas beetle and slug free and a rather large huntsman spider. The spider crawled in as i opened the patio door to put the slug out. So I chased it back out with a piece of paper and then a moth flew in :-)

I try not to kill anything i find, preferring to chase it back outside...unless they refuse to cooperate. I had to squat a fly because it landed on caleb's portacot. I tried chasing it away but it just sat there. So my over-protective motherly instincts kicked in...that's caleb's playpen. I made sure not to squash it, but still sterilised the spot.

So apart from the creatures, I have cleaned, emptied out all my linen to be washed and packed till next winter, mopped my bedroom floor, rearranged my bedroom, packed things into the garage, did all the dishes (which the boys are meant to do on weekends), and now I feel like making baby food to be frozen for caleb.

Come tomorrow i will be too tired to do anything...oh well, better to make the most of these moments :-)

baby love

i think i may have written about this before...but it's because i'm pregnant again. I was holding my son last nite, he was having a very restless sleep and kept waking up. As soon as i held him he was still and nestled into me. Of course, I indulged and held him for a wee while before returning him to his cot. A mother's privilege :-)

i wondered if i would love him as much when he's a 30 year old man, or when he's my age with children of his own and a wife...well that's one view of his future...point being would i love him as much or more because i would have spent 30 years loving him and watching him grow.

Or is this it? When you son or daughter is this baby in your arms and in so much need of protection and love? And as he gets older i need to learn to step back and let him grow up and grow away from me. Is that another lesson of love? We are only stewards of those we love, we don't own them and they don't owe us anything. We had the privilege of taking care of them when they needed it the most but eventually they need to move on to their next phase in life.

I can't imagine loving a 30something man the way i love my little boy...but then it's in seeing him grow over the years and become that man which will help me love him just as much. I assume this will happen. Any parent with older children - is this true? Do you love your children just as much now as when they were little babies?

Maybe the LORD does give us that special bond with our babies and little children because they need to be loved so much. That's when they learn to love so we need to be such great examples of love for them to follow.

volleyball!

so i found a social volleyball competition within our area, at long last! But of course i'm preggy now...1 month. When i was talking to the LORD ages ago about finding exercise that i would enjoy. He found me bellydancing and he gave me this place to look up for volleyball. Myles and I drove past it but saw nothing advertising volleyball. But my cousin who also wanted to play found out that some of her friends from her church were in the competition. So i called the phone number (duh, i know i should have done this before!). But i was easily put off and i allocated the task to myles :-)

Now i have entered a family team and our 1st game is tonite. Exciting!! But being pregnant i have to wonder at how wise i'm being. The LORD gave me this to help me become more healthy because he knows how much i love volleyball. I should have done it before...is it better late then never??

I know that if there is one thing i can do well it's protect myself from a volleyball. I know how to let it bounce of me without injurying myself - good body posture. And these are beginners we are playing against so very few of them even know how to spike a ball. And I don't plan to spike or leave the ground myself. All this tells me I should be fine and I need to exercise while preggy because my body is not in the best shape.

I read in my baby bible that volleyball is fine with caution. So I'm doing it and trusting that the LORD will watch me as I remain dilligent in my efforts to safe guard my body. I may not have started this pregnancy healthy but i will try do better during it.

heaven?

what do you think we will be doing in eternity?

I often wonder this. I think our lives here are practice ground for learning how to love the LORD first and others. So makes me wonder what he has planned in eternity for us.

I'm not one of those people who think we're all just going to sit around resting and patting wild animals...not that there's anything wrong with that. I just think with the LORD being the Master planner, the Creator of all life, the many universes...there must be more.

I'm one of these people that love the idea of exploring the stars, the many planets and universes, so i love programmes like Star Trek, Stargate, Firefly, or anything which imagines other worlds, or uses our imaginations...like LORD of the Rings, and yes even Harry Potter. I have probably scared off lots of Christians with that revelation.

I'm excited by anything which involves battles of Good vs Evil...Harry good vs evil. Sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone. I'm reminded of 1 Corinthians 4:4...my conscience is clear but that does not make me innocent it is the LORD who judges me. So lets agree to disagree and let the LORD sort it when we see him :-)

So in my mind we are involved in Interstellar exploration, overthrowing principalities that we know nothing about, fighting spiritual wars, and using so much more than the 5% of our brains that we use at the moment. To be able to create, or work with the LORD on many other creations he has....so many many possibilities.

But because we're all so different other people, not like me, must have different images of heaven...what would you like heaven to be like? What do you imagine we will be doing in eternity?

ivf

I'm pregnant, found out yesterday. Praise the LORD for his mercy over us and his grace which completely covers us. Part of me was expecting not to be preggy because I have not been very successful at working on my health. I left it in the LORD's hands. But when i had to ring the nurse to hear my results I couldn't do it. Suddenly, I was scared, that two embryos had been sacrificed unsuccessfully. So Myles rang.

So all going well, I am due in June. Caleb will have a sibling or two (if Myles gets his wish for twins).

I have 3 embryos left in storage. So I will have to do this again. If it's part of the LORD's plan I could have at least 3 children under 5. Someone said to me, isn't this enough, but if the LORD gave me so many embryos then I have to give each one of them a chance at life. Even if it means being preggy 3 years in a row :-)

If the LORD has planned life for any of my embryos them it's my responsibility to give them that chance to grow from 8 cells to a baby, like our Caleb.

It makes me in awe of our God. How can those little cells grow into a child with all that genetic make up as decided by him. He makes us to have strengths and weaknesses and watches us grow...and learn what these are over a life time. How amazing.

Over our lifetimes, the LORD gives each of opportunities to meet with him, to choose to believe or not...but he never takes that choice away. He created us to know independence and yet one day we who believe realise that we are dependent on him...Our Creator...and then we give him opportunities to mould us.

To be that something beautiful worthy of keeping for all eternity.

christian marriages

I wonder why a lot of Christian marriages end in divorce?

• Is it because we put so much pressure on ourselves to have perfect marriages because we know the LORD so we should know the answers?
• Is it because we don't want anyone to know that our marriages are not perfect so when we're around other christians, or at church, we pretend everything is fine, and never get the help we REALLY need?
• Is it because we've made a poor choice in partner and don't want to admit it until we can't hide it anymore so we never really accept that person?
• Is it because we think we're both Christians so we don't have to work at it like non-Christian marriages. We have the LORD and it will all work out?

I'm just guessing. But all these reasons set us up to fail. If we're so busy hiding or denying the truth about our marriages then how can the LORD help us?

He's all about helping us accept who we are, getting rid of the false images we create of ourselves, so that we can be the person he created us to be...when we are weak then we are strong, his grace is sufficient...this was the LORD's answer to Paul.

It's in knowing who we really are, with all our weaknesses that we learn to lean on him more, trust him more. If we're always hiding or denying our weaknesses, we pretend to be strong, instead of making the most of our REAL strengths. Pretending everything is fine is like denying we need the LORD's grace. Denying our Saviour.

It's through our weaknesses we learn such IMPORTANT lessons...WE NEED THE LORD. WE CAN'T DO LIFE WITHOUT HIM. NOTHING IS TOO SMALL FOR THE LORD'S HANDS. CAST OUR CARES ON TO HIM FOR HE CARES FOR US. SUMIT TO THE LORD. PROVERBS 3:5,6.

Marriages are that key relationship where we let our guard down, where we learn to trust another person with our lives. It's hard work because that person is as imperfect as we are. It requires us to accept NOT HIDE the things we cannot change:-)

our relationship

everyone thinks myles and i have this near perfect relationship...but this is far from the truth. Most of the time we get along fine because we have very similar temperaments when life is going smoothly...but not when we're upset. I am someone who has to deal with it and fix it no matter how emotional it gets or how much conflict it causes. Whereas my man is a sweep under the carpet until it can't be ignored kind of guy....and then it needs to be smoothed over so we can live with it, but not necessarily resolve it. Those are our extreme reactions.

We've had some major marriage problems to deal with and some of these have hung around all our relationship life together....I think myles gets his way more than he realises :-) You would think since myles became a christian 3 years ago we would communicate these a lot better...but most ot the time this hasn't been the case. We've been together 17 years...12 years of marriage...spent most of our 20s and all our 30s together.

Why am i sharing this because some of the key lessons of my life to date have been dealing with my relationship with myles. And to say that a believing husband is just as hard to deal with as a non-believing husband....myles should know he's had to put up with a believing wife all this time:-)

The number one thing the LORD has said to me about myles happened when i had moved onto a new level in my faith. I guess the LORD was waiting till i was ready. I was praying and upset with Myles and saying to the LORD 'change him, he's driving me crazy...blah blah'. And the LORD's still quiet voice, my Counsellor, the Holy Spirit, said one line to me...this is one of the ways he communicates to me, by putting a single thought in my head which is often very different from the thoughts i'm having at the time...and it speaks the truth into whatever situation i am in...the line was 'FOR HIM TO CHANGE YOU MUST CHANGE'.

Of course that killed me because I realised all this time i was waiting for myles to change, and the LORD was waiting for me to change. I balled my eyes out and praised him.

This is when i discovered Joyce Meyer. I'm a nite owl, so the next night i was awake in the early hours of the morning and i heard this unforgettable voice. And she said 'stop waiting for your husband to change, you need to change!' If you know Joyce you would know her marriage story which i recognised in my own.

I knew it was the LORD confirming his message to me. And so i took my eyes of Myles and put them back on me. It took a couple of years, but i stopped being angry with him, and trying to force feed him the LORD. I found Hillsong Church, their city congregation which was within walking distance of our home. And Myles came with me. He even took notes. I don't know how much sunk in but it was a worldly understanding and not a spiritual one. But i think hearing other people speak of the LORD was good for him. The LORD was at work even if myles didn't know it.

My next real breakthrough came after a long time of testing for me...when i lost a baby, a fallopian tube, part of my ovary, and my Dad. I was at a Hillsong conference and I had learnt a lot at my time with Hillsong. I found the LORD asking me to trust him and to follow him into the dark. My spirit soared and I said the unthinkable and meant it with all my heart 'WHATEVER YOU WANT LORD'

If i had known what the LORD would ask of me, I would have taken that statement back:-) but I gave him permission to do whatever it would take to save my husband even if it meant sacrificing me. But that's my man's story. What it meant for me was a final test in which the LORD would show me just how much more I needed to trust him.

It showed me that sometimes the LORD asks of us things we never thought we were capable of doing. That all our lives are preparation for key turning points where we can choose to obey or choose to turn our own way. These moments teach us so much about who we are and who God is. It builds our relationship with him, but it also puts it at risk. I learnt that God doesn't care about PERFECT...i guess that's why he loves us so much:-) And how far he would go to save his children, that one lost son or daughter.

Satan has plans for our destruction, moments like these when we are tempted to turn away from the LORD and to believe he has abandoned us and does not love us. But the LORD already knows all the days of our lives and he prepares us for these turning points so that we can stand up under it and he also provides a way out for us.

It was practice ground for what I already knew that life is not about me it's about saving others. About bringing God's children home, my brothers and sisters, and thankfully my husband.

And then Caleb was born...i couldn't feel more loved by Him. Two answered prayers - a saved husband and a baby. It reminds me of Matthew 6:33...seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Our God reigns.

He is right by my side

I was reminded of something at church ...which i easily forget because i get caught up in the every day routines of life....the LORD is with me. He stands by my side so i'm never alone. His Spirit lives within me so I never have to deal with anything on my own.

I forget this when i'm drowning in something or i'm tired or i feel defeated in a certain area in my life...or when the same problems come around again and i haven't dealt with them still.

I can't overcome these things but He can. I may have never won a battle in a certain area, but nothing can stand against Him. And when those same problems come back to haunt me - i can hide in the LORD who is haunted by nothing.

It starts with just speaking the words to myself. Because it's me who needs to change and my mind that needs to be transformed.

I am not defeated and so I should never speak words like 'i can't do this' 'im too tired to try' or 'is this ever going to change?'. At least not without adding God to the picture....'i can't do this BUT GOD CAN'....THINGS WILL CHANGE BECAUSE THE LORD IS HERE RIGHT NOW AND HE'S NEVER GOING TO LEAVE ME NOR FORSAKE ME!!

a day of mourning

today the french put us in our place (again!!!)...i along with all of nz and all kiwis around the world am sooooooooo depressed at the loss of the All Blacks that I can't bare to leave my house! it sounds ridiculous and i wish i was kidding...but we lost our quarter final...i woke up in the early morning to watch it on tv and have been wandering around in a daze ever since....i can't believe we lost again....we have only won 1 world cup....we didn't even make the semis....we win every other game...aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.

it's like a black cloud is sitting over my head....i haven't even changed or brushed my teeth.....i just can't believe it....why why why....we had 4 years to get this right....i feel like drowning my sorrows.....i'm so upset...we never get this right...i never want to watch another game...it's like London all over again...i was in London when we lost that world cup...i nearly took up smoking. this seriously sucks!!!!!

For those who don't know what i'm talking about it's Rugby. Just a game to most people...but to me it's everything good about being from a small nation in a big wide world...we take on the world and we win...but never at the world cup...ok once but that was so long ago who cares????!!! 20 years....and we haven't won the world cup....i'm not up to going anywhere today.

why do you believe?

Tell us why do you believe? When the world says your crazy what is it that compells you to follow someone you've never met, believe in an unseen God?

I believe not only because I grew up in a christian family but because when I was 16, at a crucial turning point in my life, the LORD intervened and saved me. I was at a youth camp listening to a song which broke me...I realised that the LORD had forgiven me but I had not forgive myself for being the person I was becoming. I felt I wasn't worthy of such a sacrifice. When I realised this a huge weight was lifted of my shoulder and I accepted the LORD's UNCONDITIONAL love wholeheartedly.

It gave me the strength to say NO to a major crisis in my life and turn back from a road leading to Satan. I began a personal relationship with the LORD which nothing and no one can ever replace.

What is it that compells me to believe?? It's me. I could have been one of Satan's little helpers but because the LORD made me a new person, restored my innocence, gave me beauty for ashes...I am the LORD's daughter...imperfect and beautiful all at the same time.

If anyone reads this please don't think i'm bragging...I know my place...I am one of many, many daughters, many children through the generations.

So why do you believe?

balance

balancing the excess

removing the unnecessary

welcoming small indulgences

life

caleb in action

my son was so well behaved today. here he is in action as he climbs my wall of cushions to reach all those wonderful things he's not allowed to touch :-)

crazy day

what a day we had today. Firstly, myles and i both forgot i had an ivf scan and blood test appointment today for different reasons. I had to have this today for the timing of my embryo transfer and the Doctor able to do this was only available in the morning.

Rec'd a call at 8:30am from the clinic, called myles to rush back from work so we could attend together and because i can't drive :-( For myles that meant jumping on a train then picking up the car driving to pick me up and drive to the clinic. He gets to the car...flat tyre! Thankfully the LORD was on the job and Myles happened to be talking to our Pastor who was just leaving home with his family.

So I'm sitting on my doorstep anxiously waiting and praying, thinking something must be wrong with the car...when my Pastor drives up with his whole family in tow...and myles jumps out of the back seat.

Very funny...so we did the scan and blood test and they couldn't find my vein so had 2 jabs todays :-(

Plus I was meant to meet up with a friend and son that I have always cancelled on or something has come up...I turned up an hr and 1/2 late...thanks to IVF mix up.

We had to get my sister in law to pick us up after...it was a relief to meet up with my friend and just chill in the sun after all that drama.

So the scan showed it's all go for the transfer. I had a trigger injection tonite which killed...one of those scarry long needles. And next few days are crucial...transfer tues.

What a day! And i chilled out tonite with a Stargate overload. Hope the weekend is quieter :-)

ivf

we've started ivf again....taking nightly injections to help with ovulation. Myles is hoping for twin girls...who will of course be spoilt rotten by him :-) I'm just hoping for a sibling for caleb so he will have someone to play with.

i have been watching programmes of multiple births and huge families...hopefully it's not the LORD'S way of preparing me for more children then i planned :-)


I have so many plans but it's the LORD who directs my steps. I still have it in my heart to do short term missions to Africa. But for now my life is about building our little family. I just don't want to be one of those people who say they want to help but it will have to wait till my children are a little older....then it becomes it will have to wait till my children finish college...and then they are too old to go anywhere :-(

Kind of like the guy who wanted to follow Jesus but he wanted to go home and bury his Father first...this is not a small thing, it's a responsibility that you would think the Lord would have made allowances for...but it showed the tremendous cost of following the Lord...everything and everyone has to come 2nd.

But let me clarify this...i don't think it meant put ministry or service before your family. Because the LORD expects us to take care of those he puts in our hands. The key is: IT HAS TO COME FROM HIM...not from your own desires or people pressure....but the call to serve and sacrifice has to come from him. Plus once someone is dead it's too late to save them, and if they were saved then they're dancing in heaven already. Whereas the living still need to meet their Saviour thru us.

I am happy for the LORD to direct me because I'm responsible for Caleb. I don't know what's around the corner but I know the One who does. Who am I to second guess him??

not so hard!

I wrote that post yesterday about it being so hard to do the things we need to do because of all the everyday routines of life. And then the LORD showed us how easy it was to change.

Myles came home early from work. We grabbed the volleyball, packed our son up and went to the local park. As it turns out lots of other people had the same idea...a father and son practicing sprints, a whole group of kids playing ball sports...and us.

It was such a great evening. We had a bash (hit the volleyball to each other), Caleb lay on a mat drinking his milk. Then we came home, cooked dinner, listened to music, and basically hung out as a family. It was awesome

Thank you LORD, for proving to me that nothing is too hard!

why is it so hard?

Myles and I have more time on our hands then most yet we feel like we have no time to do the things we need to do...no energy to do these things.

It's like the mechanics of living this life we have created of work...keeping house, cooking dinner, looking after caleb, shopping for groceries...prevents us from doing the very thing we need to do to keep this life going...working on our health, saving money for our future...for caleb's future.

If we lose our health - there is no future, we will live very short lives and Caleb will be alone.

If we don't save and our health gives way...Caleb will not be looked after as well as he is now.

We just don't get it!!! We know this is true yet we just keep living our lives the way it is as if we are going to live long enough to see Caleb grow up, marry, have children of his own. But we're not!

How plainer can I make it to my flesh: NO HEALTH, NO EXERCISE, NO LIFE! NO MORE WORK, NO MORE KEEPING HOUSE AND NO MORE CALEB.

I feel like screaming it's so frustrating that we can be so STUPID!!!

birthday

Turned 39 yesterday...that's seriously old! I don't think I look 39 and I most definitely don't feel that old :-) I probably feel 32 and look.....35.

Actually was at church women's retreat talking about how long we'd been married, etc. And when i said 12 years one of the girls said...did you get married in your teens! I think she thought I was around her age....so I guess I don't act my age either :-)

blessed with a burden

great line on a dvd I watched at the women's retreat which reminded me of the LORD's upside down thinking. It was a Father speaking to his daughter and he said she was blessed with a burden.

I think this could be said of all christians - something the LORD wants us to accept...that because we are his children, followers of christ we are blessed with a burden.

It seems a contradiction in this world's terms because how can BLESSING and BURDEN be used together. Yet I think we spend our lives learning this. Life is not about us. We are expected to carry our cross. But at the same time we so very blessed. We have eternal life. The LORD loves us and sacrificed his son for us. His love is unfailing.

Things happen to us, like Jesus said, in this world we will have trouble but don't be afraid because he has overcome the world. So whatever trouble we have...he provides a way for us to cope and he uses it for our good, so we can learn and grow and trust him more.

So our real burden is this: we have to not let our own personal burdens overwhelm us, no matter how much they are, so that we can continue the Lord's mission to save the lost.

It's a burden because my life is not about me...yet everyday I struggle with 'me' issues, 'me' problems, and 'me' messy relationships...And somehow these are not allowed to overwhelm me because the LORD needs me to focus on being a blessing to others.

As I become more mature...I need to be secure in who i am and trust that the LORD will take care of me as I take care of others....believe Matthew 6:33 is true that as I seek Him and His righteousness, he will take care of the rest...the 'what about me' things.

my first fathers day - what does it mean?

it's me!

Indeed I had my first father's day yesterday. It was not really about a celebration and presents for me. Maybe when my son is old enough to hand make me cute presents I will look forward to presents!

I read recently a book from 1922 about 'courage'. It was the written account of a speech by a Rector from a university in the UK to his graduating students. And I picked it up in a second hand bookshop in Byron Bay, Australia - nearly 100 years later. It's funny how God works.

Anyway - one of the premises of 'courage' that he spoke about was having the courage to go against the 'wise counsel' of your "betters". One's 'betters' will always try to dictate how things should be done...to control the world to their own advantage.

Reflecting about this on father's day had me thinking that I need to totally think in new ways about how to be a father. I dont want to revisit the same way to be a father that my own father had (and in hindsight I think he would like ot do it differently too). I need to have the courage to be a father in my own style.

And at church it was reminded to me that even if I dont have an earthly father to guide my ways - I have the perfect example of a father in God.

And that leads to Jesus' upside down thinking.

Despite all this reflection I had a great fathers day. Time with my son, my wife, and my Lord. Very little distractions from the world. Amen to these blessings my Lord.

one of those days

today was Father's Day. Myles' first one. But it was a bit of a non-event as Myles isn't really into celebrating Father's day. So for me today was about my Father. At church, same as last year, they had slides which showed individual pictures of everyone's Fathers. A lot of them were no longer with us.

Of course, as the slides started, I was already in tears. Seeing my Dad's picture, I could barely look at it, because I was trying not to cry...still I did. Then straight afterwards we had a meet and greet session...which was the last thing I wanted to do, with so many tears, so I quickly made an exit.

The tribute is lovely and one day I hope to watch that slide without tears...but I doubt it. Will time take away how much i miss my Dad? It has definitely lessened the time i spend thinking about him. But on a day when its all about Dads and his picture is on a big screen...i don't think so.

He has been on my mind this week which makes it worse.

I understand my Dad is having the most awesome time in heaven with my little one, but I just miss him. I miss hearing his chuckle...i use that word because that's exactly what my Dad did the most...the female version would be 'giggle'. His quirky greetings for us his kids - I was his little monkey...he would greet me with 'Tali monkey' and start chuckling :-) I guess that's a father daughter moment.

I miss him I miss him I miss him.

LORD
I understand, and i have said this many a time, I know you have a purpose for taking my Dad when you did. He may have told you he had enough of the pain, losing control of his own body, his privacy invaded. Something my Dad was very traditional about. It upset me, and I know he would have been upset and would rather be with you. So yes I understand all that.

But I still wish he was here. I wish he was healed completely and returned to us. But instead that cancer consumed him.

I guess that's the problem with believing in a God of the impossible. You expect miracles and you put your hope in nothing but the best. I know I did. And it's what I was meant to do.

But he's now with you and I still miss him. LORD, give him my love. He would want me to live my life and do my best. Today, was a miserable day. I would have happily slept it away. And now it's over.

One day will I miss him less LORD? Or do I have to accept that I will always be sad. At the moment that's what I'm doing. Until it passes and life without him is bearable again.

I love you LORD. My life is in your hands. I know you know what's best for me and my family. But I also know that you know me. And today all I can do is hide in you right now. The best place to be.

in Jesus name, amene.

he's part of my everyday life

i have definitely written about this many times. In fact I should just link to one of those.

...not only does he answer prayers, but he listens to my thoughts and questions and he answers these too. He uses every day means eg: my reading for that day, a devotion, a Joyce episode, a book i'm reading

http://acceptbalancesimplify.blogspot.com/2007/08/passing-thoughts.html

he knows what I love...

...and uses these with perfect timing to bring a smile to my face and let me know that he's with me and he loves me. eg: when my Dad was dying with cancer, he showed me my 1st shooting star.

I love thunderstorms, seeing lightning in the night's sky, is like seeing the LORD's power. A few months ago, I lost the plot and started to panic about all the many things on my plate. I rang up a couple of my girls, we went to the beach at night, which always calms me. As I was starring at the sea, lightning lit up part of the sky with brilliant forks of colour. It was near us but not over us. Just what I needed.

When the LORD does this I feel like he's saying I know how you feel daughter and I'm right here with you. Even in the midst of darkness I am your light. And yes it always makes me smile and warms my heart.

upside down thinking

I think I've written about this one a few times...

...the meek shall inherit the earth, love your enemy, overcome evil with good, when we are weak we are strong, when we ask for more patience he surrounds us with more people to be impatient with!

he knows everything yet he still lets every moment unfold

He knew Jesus would survive as a baby to only suffer as an adult and die a horrific death. But he let every moment of his 30 something years unfold so he would become everything he was meant to be - the Saviour of the world.

Paul, who persecuted christians, would one day be his greatest messenger to the Gentiles. Peter who denied the Lord 3 times but became the leader of his church. Who walked on water only to stumble and have to take his hand. He knew all this would happen, but he lets everyone learn from their life experiences, build character and test their faith.

Its like reading a book even though you know the ending...there's turmoil and suffering and you want to skip over it and get to the good bits or the happy ending.

He knows Satan laughs and mocks him...but he will have the last laugh.

he lets me be me

when I'm stupid, make mistakes, or don't know when to let go and move on, he make allowances for it and covers me with his mercy and grace.

I never feel condemned by the LORD for making mistakes. Instead he reminds me that though I may stumble I will not fall, for he is more than able to help me stand. I surrender it to him. When I am weak I am strong because I lean on him and he is my strength.

I can remember being super upset with my Mum and he let me rant and rave about how demanding and bossy she was, etc, etc. And then he quietly whispered one thought to me...she needs to be loved more than me...and it stopped me in my tracks. I balled my eyes out as I realised my Mum was on her own - she had lost the love of her life, her best friend. I had just lost my Dad - my best friend was fast asleep in our bed :-)

He let me have my moment and then he calmed me down with just one statement.

fatherless family

i met up with two of my cousins tonight plus kids, hubbies, etc. we were talking about our Dads. In my family, which is my mother's family, there were 14 siblings but in the last 4 years we have lost fathers. It began with my Dad and then 3 of my uncles within 2 and 1/2 years.

Out of my Mum's 14 siblings, 2 brothers out of 6 remain and 6 out of 8 sisters. My Mum lost two siblings in 1989 within a month of each other. And her 3 brothers within 2 years. Even my cousins that have lost their mothers have also lost their fathers. We are a fatherless generation.

Why am I recounting all of this? I think it's because my cousin tonight was talking as if two more of my aunties are near the end of their lives. We are losing a whole generation. It's very sad because most of them died young. Only 1 out of the 6 was over 60.

My Dad was 58 turning 59 when he went to be with the LORD. It's been 4 years but I still have moments when I am reminded of my Dad and I ball my eyes out. I still wish he was here. When I talk with the LORD I know he had a plan for taking my Dad but if I could change anything in my life it would be losing my Dad.

My cousin tonight was super close to her Dad. Her Dad was the most recent so it's still very fresh to her but it feels like he's been gone for ages. I think she's still mourning. And only time can lessen it but it will never go away.

It's like me. My Dad was larger than life. He was never sick, and he was so young at heart. He would play and play. He was like a big kid and like me I think he enjoyed hanging with kids more than grown-ups because they are all about enjoying life.

There will always be something missing in my life without my Dad's smiling, chuckling face.

CAN ANYONE HELP ME PLEASE?

can someone please tell me what 'BEING ONE' is because I have no idea what that means. We've been together for 17 years and I seem to have become more and more clueless about what this looks like.

What does a good relationship look like? What are the keys to...no not just a good relationship but an amazing relationship? I'm talking about men and women, husbands and wives...what does an amazing one look like? I have seen very few good ones, but an AMAZING one...I don't think I've seen one of those. Can anyone help me? Please let me know because i'm stumbling in dark trying to figure this out and I could use opinions other than my own!!!!!

Does anyone think they have an AMAZING relationship with their other half? What makes it so?

my little man

I have a dreaded lurgy...is that even a word?? Been spewing and cold chills. This means Caleb is off limits. I have had a whole day of not being able to hug or kiss him. It hit me again how spoilt i have been for the last 8 & half months. Holding this life in my hands that is my son.

That's a long time to be able to hug someone every day, several times a day :-) I can't believe how much the LORD has blessed us. But it's only 8 mths and I have lived 39 years almost. I hope and pray I have this privilege till i'm old and grey...sure I will be lucky to have a hug once a week...but those can be replaced with 'i love you Mum' over the phone...when he can talk :-)

For now I will make the most of holding him in my arms...my little man. I have years of hugs and kisses ahead of me, God willing. Can't wait to get better. I miss him already and it's only been a day. Makes me want to make the most of every moment with him....mums...it's the LORD in us...an overwhelming love for our little ones.

passing thoughts

My friend Lill sent me a Max Lucado devotion (Thanks Lill !). It reminded me of something I love about the LORD. I will say something in passing or think something in passing - it might be just a question or something I think I need or think I should do and then the LORD answers me.

He knows me so well and knows I love it. It freaks me out and makes me want to jump up and down with joy. Why? Because it shows me he is a part of my every day life. I'm generally just talking to myself. But he hears me and he's with me every single moment and he just participates in my life.

An example...I met this young Pacific Island girl at the church I was just starting to attend (before my Pastor left and started a new church which we joined). We connected and I left without seeing her again. Anyway months and months went by and one day I was at home thinking about her. Wondering if she was still at that church and how I should have kept in contact with her. I left my unit to do some shopping and as I stepped out my door I heard someone call me. It was her! She had just picked up her daughters who went to school a few streets away from my place.

I cracked up laughing because that is so the LORD. I think my thoughts are my own...but meanwhile it's his Spirit in me prompting me to think about certain things and people.

Another example...I was wondering about a certain issue one day and I watched Joyce Meyer on the internet that day and she was talking about that very same thing...Joyce has a list of archived programmes and I watch the one at the bottom of the list because they roll off and I don't want to miss one:-) That was the one I watched that day. And I recorded her episode that day on tv which isn't in anyway connected to the order on the internet and it was the same issue!!!

I knew that whispered thought to myself was something important to the LORD that I needed an answer to. He's so awesome like that.

Even if I'm not talking to him - he hears me and talks back. That's exactly what it feels like and I absolutely love it!!

ivf

I watched this baby programme about a mum who had twins and then sextuplets. She was truly amazing. If ever the LORD made someone to have sextuplets it was her. She was super organized and didn't have anyone helping her apart from her hubby. They kind of reminded me of myles and I - he was very complacent and easy going and she was very organised and fixed everything :-) except I'm only a little organised compared to her!

I wouldn't be able to cope - 3 boys and 3 girls plus twin girls?! Myles and I joke about having twins at our next IVF treatment but it never occurs to me I would have more...surely the LORD would know better than to give me that many!

I rang up today for IVF and the earliest appointment is mid Sept. I thought that's too late, but then I'm nowhere near ready health wise anyway. Belly dancing has been great - a part from a bad knee (need your knees for belly dancing cos that's the normal stance to shake your hips -knees bent). Weather has been wet and cloudy...so no walking, apart from at Byron Bay. Punched my punching bag today...but I need some volleyball to really get me moving.

I have blood tests first so that could take a few weeks and if they find anything wrong with me then I will have to wait till it's sorted before actually implanting the embryos. So I'm thinking Oct/Nov at the earliest. All going well I could be pregnant and doing it all again :-)

Mum highlights

All the Caleb bits in last post of course :-)

Had the best donuts ever...from a market at a town 20mins away from Byron Bay...Mullumbimby (?)...organic again and yummy! Had the best steak sandwich at another tinier town called Uki...had eggplant, sundried tomatoes and pesto.

Uki was tiny - it reminded me of Samoa except tinier! But it had this great cafe with the steak sandwich. Mullumbimby had a great market...first time in ages I had been to a great traditional market where I could have bought something from nearly every stall - lots of unique handmade pieces. And some stalls were such bargains I couldn't believe how cheap.

We went to these two towns on the day we flew out. I bought so much stuff that I was glad I had an spare bag! Then we went to a clearance store with more bargains which almost made us late for our flight. We had less than 10 mins to repack our bags, return our hired car and check in. This airline had a strict deadline for check in so we were really pushing it.

The beaches at Byron were the highlights. They were long stretches of beach with hardly anyone on them. Lots of sand and enough of a surf to entertain the boys. I could easily see my nieces and nephews running amok here.

Byron Bay town - expensive and tourist filled. Glad we stayed 5 mins away by the beach at a little holiday park. Our cabin was right by the path to the beach. We had native turkeys roaming through the park.

Another highlight for me was being able to walk on the beach from one end to where our holiday park was. We drove to a spot which I thought was a different beach but Myles realised it was the same. So he said he would drive home with baby and I could walk home along the beach. It was exaclty what I needed.

I could have spent our whole holiday by the sea but Myles thought we should explore the towns since we might not see them again. He was right. But it was still nice to walk barefeet on the sand, enjoy the smell of the sea, and explore the seashells and perfectly flat litle stones scattered along the beach. Oh how I love the seaside.

Holiday - caleb highlights

plane trip - Caleb was awesome. Mum and Dad need more practice though but it was fun. I knew you had to feed baby on take off and landing because of his ears. So as the plane was taxiing away I started feeding him a bottle except he finished the bottle before we even took off :-)

Thankfully, he fell asleep and only woke up just before we landed. Then I fed him bits of rice cake so he would keep swallowing. Except as we hit the ground - his bladder seemed to let go and a flood went through his nappy on to my me. Luckily I was wearing black so it wasn't noticeable :-)

Our trip home was less eventful - Caleb stayed awake the whole time and even looked out the window when we were on the ground. You point out the window to him and he just notices the window :-)

Oh and he did notice the air hostesses and they noticed him - a charmer already! He was stretching his neck around his Father to look at them.

Firsts - Caleb had lots of firsts on this trip including the plane trip. Before we jumped on the plane I waved bye-bye and he copied me. He's done it a few times since so he's learnt his first trick!

Found his first freckle on his knee. Actually Myles and I noticed he had two similar birth marks just below his knees on the back. Very small but probably more noticeable now he's grown so much.

He ate his first baby food from a jar - not all successes. He still doesn't like apples - from a jar or home pureed. But he loved the organic vege jars.

Had his first organic formula...everything in Byron Baby seemed to be organic. This formula was the only one available at the local supermarket and it was twice the price! He loved it.

He learnt to make a clicking noise with his tongue. I use to do it to entertain him and then out of the blue he started doing it. Plus myles held his hands and he took his first real steps forward - normally he stands still or steps backwards. He's learning and growing so much!

1st plane trip

we're taking off in 12 hrs to Byron Bay by plane for Caleb's 1st flight!! How exciting!! It's an hour by plane and a test run for when we fly to NZ in January next year - that's a 3hr trip. So hopefully Caleb will enjoy it. Though not sure about his ears :-(

It's also a test run for myles and i with our son. I am leaning towards overpacking at least for this practice run. Just finished packing Caleb's stuff...and it's after 2am already. Will have to do my own tomorrow, thankfully we don't need to leave early.

There have been so many cheap domestic flights that we jumped at this opportunity. We've never been to Byron Bay but I hear it's beautiful. I love travel...want to see so much of this awesome world that the LORD created before I leave it.

There's lots happening in our lives at the moment so it will be good to take time out and just chill. A few big decisions to be made about my man's future so need to seek the LORD...draw near to him and he will draw near to us.

Sleep calls.

dealing with my strengths

So I wonder how one overcomes weaknesses that stem from your strengths??? For me it's letting go of things, moving on and leaving it in the LORD's hands, surrender or cast it and get on with what you can do until the LORD gives you the strength to do what you can't. Stand on his grace because we definitely don't deserve God's forgiveness but he gives it to us freely through Jesus.

It's not easy and I know if something is on my mind too much then I'm out of balance and I need to get rid of it. Even if it means giving up. And it means accepting that people are not like me.

I have a couple of people in my life who are forever back-stabbing me. I wish I could say they are not close to me, but they are. A long time ago I decided thats just the way they are. They need to tell other people to get it off their chest because they're not comfortable telling me. Probably because they know I will tell it like it is and try to resolve it, but sometimes they're just not ready to stop being angry or upset with me. When they do, they no longer need to tell me.

I have always tried to be a blessing in their lives even when they don't recognise it or know about it. If I do something good they will give Myles the credit because it can't possibly be me. Little do they know that sometimes I have had to struggle with Myles to be generous to them.

Yet...I love them. I can't hold anything against them, I will be heart-broken by them but I know that talking to them about it, just makes them feel bad and they will hold this against me too. I can't win. So I let go and go on.

The hard thing is I know I will never trust them because they've made it obvious that I can't. But I accept that this is the way they love me. They're not like me. In fact sometimes I wonder if they like me at all :-)

So I accept.

unfaithfulness

So men and that dreaded weakness 'UNFAITHFULNESS'. I am wondering if this is attached to a strength because it's such a great weakness amongst all men. That's a generalisation based on personal experience...I can find a few faithful women but a faithful man?? Do they exist at all? (And all the men in the world cry out...HANG ON LADY!!!)

FAITHFULNESS doesn't make you unfaithful...is it STRENGTH (Courage, being brave)? Having to be the strong one? Does that make you abuse your loved ones? Strength means what?? To be courageous means to step out on your own. To do something that other people are not willing to do.

Or maybe it's INDEPENDENCE. Yes, that's it. Independence means you can stand on your own, that you don't need to be a follower but a LEADER. Yes, LEADERSHIP, is a strength. It would make you think you can do anything. That you are a step above the rest. That you don't need anyone, you can do it your way....and next minute doing it your way leads to arrogance and believing you are above everyone and can do anything...including adultery, sexual immorality...anything with anyone...no door is closed to you. And of course there's the illusion that you can cope, you can do it all and keep the world going around.

Yip, I think that's it. That was the case with David the shepherd boy who became David the King of Israel...nothing was beyond his grasp including someone else's wife. He went down that road and it lead to murder. Abuse of power. If a christian man has these strengths then I hope he realises that above his beloved, if he has one or plans to have one, is his God. And true independence is not depending on yourself but depending on God.

To be made in his image is to be faithful. And the LORD's idea of faithfulness - thinking the thought, using your imagination to fulfil your fantasies about someone else, something else...is adultery.

You have to wonder - is this too high a standard, an impossible ask for MEN??? Yes, I'm afraid it is...and that's where Jesus comes in.

strengths and weaknesses

sometimes your strengths are often your greatest weaknesses. My strengths....I'm a problem-solver, I'm calm when everyone else is losing the plot...I'm a peacemaker, I make things happen and I don't give up easily, I'm loyal and I will tell you the truth rather than tell everyone else.

So what are my greatest weaknesses which come from these strengths....I don't know when to give up and I jump in and fix things that people really don't want fixing....I get into trouble and end up being the bad guy because to pursue peace means confronting issues that some people would prefer burying or not dealing with at all. I'm not diplomatic and sometimes people need this more than they need the truth.

So sometimes I don't let things go and move on. That's why ACCEPT is such a word for me. Because I always want to do better, or keep working on a problem until it's solved. But some people value calm and stability above finding the answer.

A perfect example would be how myles and I miscommunicate sometimes. I am about the PROBLEM and getting rid of it. Myles is about the process. How we do this matters to him cos he can't cope with conflict. But when communication is calm he talks. But the problem still doesn't get solved...but hey at least he felt good. To him keeping the peace is much more important than pursuing peace which to me is real resolution.

children

I think the LORD gave us children to teach us how to love.
It teaches us what it means to love unconditionally - like him.
Here's a little being completely vulnerable who can't survive without another human being.

So to be able to finally have a child is to learn what it means to love like the LORD.
Loving myles is a selfish thing...it's about me, me, me.
But loving caleb...I'm learning to put myself second.
Big and small things all have to be worked around him.

I'm responsible for him.
The biggest responsibility I have is him.

The LORD actually gave us the ability to create life.
I can't believe I gave birth to him.
I look at him learning every day and each moment is precious.
everything is worth celebrating...a new food, a new cry, a giggle, a look, a movement, a sleeping position...Nothing is small.

I want to enjoy every moment of his life.
Watch him learn and grow.
Help him and guide him.
Sometimes even say NO to him.

The LORD obviously wanted us to have an inkling of what it's like to be him loving us, his children.

prayer - day 40

LORD, last day of praying for the children of Gulu, for the Skinners and the church they are setting up, refuge for the children, for Uganda and it's future. I pray that the opening of the church will just be the start of a plan to save this area from destruction, to give back to the children the future you have planned for them.

Thank you LORD, for hearing our prayers. For filling us with your Spirit so we are able to pray in line with your will, so that Satan is defeated and your plans are fulfilled.

I cover my prayers with your Word LORD as spoken through Isaiah. Words that aret timeless and apply to us, to our prayers and to the children of Gulu. Jesus said that we overcome by his blood and our testimony. These words are my testimony LORD of who you are and all your glory. Love you LORD.

Seek the LORD while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.

Let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts.

Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands...

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.

When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
For I am the LORD, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;...

Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life.

Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west. I will say to the north, 'Give them up!' and to the south, 'Do not hold them back.'

Bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth- everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made."...

You are my witnesses," declares the LORD, "that I am God. Yes, and from ancient days I am he. No one can deliver out of my hand. When I act, who can reverse it?"

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

I pray this for the children of Gulu LORD. The children of Uganda. Thank you LORD for your Word is shaper than a two edged sword. In Jesus name, I leave this in your hands. amene

prayer - day 39

LORD
In these last days I just what to speak your promises to us your children, speak your Word which sustains us.

You said you plans are to prosper us not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and future. Let this be true of your children in Gulu. May they find that future with you at Watoto or any other means you have provided for them. Please fill them with your hope.

We call upon you LORD and pray and you listen to us. We seek you and find you because we seek you with all our hearts and you will bring us back from captivity. Please let this be true of the children in Gulu. That you will bring them out of captivity because of our many prayers which cover them. I ask in Jesus name. Thank you LORD.

I pray that your workers in Uganda will be like a shelter from the wind and a refuge from the storm for these children. Like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a thirsty land. May they quench the thirst of the lost in Uganda, LORD.

Then the eyes of those who see will no longer be closed, and the ears of those who hear will listen. Help the government authorities, local authorities to see and listen to the leadership team so the way will be made clear for your church to be established with favour in Gulu.

No weapon formed against them shall prosper. The children of Gulu will be sent free from captivity by the power of your Spirit, LORD. Jesus said with man this is impossible but with you, LORD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. We can do all things through Jesus who strengthens us.

We lift up our eyes to the hills where does our help come from? Our help comes from you LORD the Maker of heaven and earth.

You will not let our feet slip, you watch over us and do not slumber. You are our shade at our right hand, the sun will not harm us by day nor the moon by night.

You will keep us from all harm and watch over our lives. You watch over our coming and our going both now and forevermore.

We dwell in your shelter and rest in your shadow. I will say of you LORD, you are our refuge and our fortress, my God, in whom I trust

Surely you will save us from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. You cover us with your feathers and under your wings we find refuge, your faithfulness will be our shield and rampart.

We will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day. Nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

A thousand may fall at our side, 10,000 at our right hand, but it will not come near us.
We will only observe with our eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

If we make you our dwelling, you who are our refuge then no harm will befall us, no disaster will come near our tent. For you command your angels concerning us to guard us in all our ways; they lift us up in their hands so that we will not strike our feet against stones. We tread upon the lion and the cobra. We trample the great lion and the serpent.

Because we love you, You rescue us, protect us because we acknowledge your name. We call upon you and you answer us. You are with us in trouble, You deliver us and honor us. With long life you satisfy us and show us your salvation.

Thank you LORD that these promises are true for all your children. Those of us who know you now and those who will know you soon because of the awesome work of your body. The children in Gulu who know you now LORD and those who will know your soon. You know are names LORD and we all belong to you. I pray in the name which is above all names, Jesus, our Saviour, amene.

Imagine if...

• instead of trying to get the best career here, you prepared for the best career in Eternity?
  Would you still be working overtime and doing what you are doing now?
• instead of striving to get the best out of this life, you were striving to get the best in Eternity?
  Would you spend your time, energy and money doing what you are doing now?

OR WOULD YOU BE DOING SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, LIVING LIFE DIFFERENTLY? DIFFERENT PRIORITIES?

That would be imagining eternity. This life is practice ground for the MAIN EVENT, THE REAL DEAL, YOUR REAL CAREER, YOUR REAL LIFE in heaven.

What would that look like? You already have clues just look at who you are, your skills, qualites, life experience. This is what you need to work on. Putting into practice who God made you to be.

I wonder what that would look like for me? For my man? For my family? For my son?

prayer - day 38

LORD
not many days left now in our prayer watch. Thank you for sustaining all your women in your call to prayer. I ask that you keep us all motivated in these last few days so we will remain faithful to the end. Forgive us for our sins LORD, and hear our prayers as one united body calling to you, Father.

I love you LORD, and i thank you for your faithfulness. Even when we are unfaithful you are always faithful. Because you can't be anything but you. Even when we don't deserve your love you still love us. Like the Israelites who wandered around the desert for 40 days, you forgave them again and again. Like the Israelites of old, how many times did you take them back? And still they rebelled.

Thank you LORD, that when you forgive us you remember our sin no longer. Unlike us, LORD. When we forgive it takes us forever to forget. Instead it affects how we treat that person for a long time. We only have a shadow of your understanding, especially when it comes to love.

The love described in Corinthians is unconditional. It never holds a record of wrongs. LORD, I pray this will be true of the children of Gulu, child soldiers. They would have taken lives of others as instructed. Forgive them their sin LORD, and rescue them from evil. They are so young and in desperate need of your instruction, of your unfailing love, of your forgiveness, and to be able to forgive themselves.

I pray that the villagers will see them with your eyes LORD, and realise that they don't know what they are doing. To see them as children once more and forgive them. Please renew their minds and fill them with your compassion LORD. Like you have for all your children.

I pray LORD that the children of Gulu will experience your love, what it means to be a child of God, and to have your favour wherever they go. I cannot live without you, LORD. You guide my steps every day. You protect from spiritual things that I know nothing about. You keep my family safe and go before them every day. Because you love me. Because you saved me so long ago. You never left me nor forsaken me. Many times in my past you could have given up on me because I was so much trouble and so stupid. But even when I made a bad choice you turned it around for my good. Your mercy was new every morning. I have always known your favour, even in my darkest days, I was never alone. And your restored my innocence and made me a new creation, gave me a new beginning.

I owe you my life LORD. And I am grateful for your grace which covers me every day. I was always honest with you and I knew who I was - a sinner in need of your help. Not because I'm perfect, or earned it, but because I made Jesus Lord and Saviour of my life. Tho I stumble I will not fall for you hold me in your hand. You said Lord Jesus, if we love you we will obey you, obey your Father, who sent you. You know my heart Father, and it belongs to you.

All this I recount LORD, because I ask that the children of Gulu, may know you just as well. Give them this opportunity LORD, to call out to you, to choose you. Show them your mercy and cover them with your grace. I don't know the suffering these children know but they need you just as desperately I needed you. Hear their cries LORD. The tears of your girls as they deal with the abuse in their lives. Help them LORD, be their refuge like you have been mine. Please set them free LORD.

Help them to know the truth about you LORD and not the lies the adults in their lives have taught them. Help them to see you. Give them the gift of your Spirit LORD. So that no blindness wil remain in their lives, and they can experience the complete freedom that comes from following you.

Save them LORD, because you can. Heal them I pray because you are their Healer. Forgive them LORD, like you forgave the Israelites in the desert. They are only children LORD, and know not what they do. Help them to find your body who represent you in this place, to find genuine help, to find Watoto and the church they are establishing. Show them the way please LORD so they make have life in abundance, to the full, until it is overflowing.

Thank you LORD. In Jesus name I pray amene

SORE! BABY MILESTONES

My legs are aching - normally when you exercise you don't feel it immediately but a couple of days later...i had my first bellydancing lesson - i felt sore immediately afterwards. And now my legs are aching!!! Oh but it was sooo worth it! Loved it, had so much fun, laughing too. My cousin and I were so excited afterwards we couldn't wait for the next one.

Thanks LORD, for finding me something fun to do while getting back into exercise. Plus our instructor said bellydancing is great post natal exercise. I'm like...can she see i've had a child...don't be silly that's just God's awesome planning :-)

Plus today caleb sat up without any cushion support. He didn't fall and was perfectly balanced...until he saw a toy he wanted out of his reach. Wooohoooo! My son can sit.

So progress being made in both mummy and baby's lives.

prayer - day 37

LORD
another Psalm prayed for your children in Gulu - it's like it was written with them in mind too. Thank you LORD that your Word is true today as it was in David's time. You know how we feel and understand us like no other.

Hear me LORD as one of your many girls in Gulu, I pray.

The LORD is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid?

When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.

Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.

For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.
Then my head will be exalted above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy; I will sing and make music to the LORD.

Hear my voice when I call, O LORD; be merciful to me and answer me.
My heart says of you, "Seek his face!" Your face, LORD, I will seek.
Do not hide your face from me, do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.

Do not reject me or forsake me, O God my Savior.
Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.

Teach me your way, O LORD; lead me in a straight path because of my oppressors.
Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes, for false witnesses rise up against me, breathing out violence.

I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Hear the voices of your children in Gulu, Father, answer their prayers as we pray on their behalf. In your mighty name Lord Jesus, amene.