one of those days

today was Father's Day. Myles' first one. But it was a bit of a non-event as Myles isn't really into celebrating Father's day. So for me today was about my Father. At church, same as last year, they had slides which showed individual pictures of everyone's Fathers. A lot of them were no longer with us.

Of course, as the slides started, I was already in tears. Seeing my Dad's picture, I could barely look at it, because I was trying not to cry...still I did. Then straight afterwards we had a meet and greet session...which was the last thing I wanted to do, with so many tears, so I quickly made an exit.

The tribute is lovely and one day I hope to watch that slide without tears...but I doubt it. Will time take away how much i miss my Dad? It has definitely lessened the time i spend thinking about him. But on a day when its all about Dads and his picture is on a big screen...i don't think so.

He has been on my mind this week which makes it worse.

I understand my Dad is having the most awesome time in heaven with my little one, but I just miss him. I miss hearing his chuckle...i use that word because that's exactly what my Dad did the most...the female version would be 'giggle'. His quirky greetings for us his kids - I was his little monkey...he would greet me with 'Tali monkey' and start chuckling :-) I guess that's a father daughter moment.

I miss him I miss him I miss him.

LORD
I understand, and i have said this many a time, I know you have a purpose for taking my Dad when you did. He may have told you he had enough of the pain, losing control of his own body, his privacy invaded. Something my Dad was very traditional about. It upset me, and I know he would have been upset and would rather be with you. So yes I understand all that.

But I still wish he was here. I wish he was healed completely and returned to us. But instead that cancer consumed him.

I guess that's the problem with believing in a God of the impossible. You expect miracles and you put your hope in nothing but the best. I know I did. And it's what I was meant to do.

But he's now with you and I still miss him. LORD, give him my love. He would want me to live my life and do my best. Today, was a miserable day. I would have happily slept it away. And now it's over.

One day will I miss him less LORD? Or do I have to accept that I will always be sad. At the moment that's what I'm doing. Until it passes and life without him is bearable again.

I love you LORD. My life is in your hands. I know you know what's best for me and my family. But I also know that you know me. And today all I can do is hide in you right now. The best place to be.

in Jesus name, amene.