answered prayer

I wrote the post on prayer yesterday in the early hours of the morning because I was leaving something in the LORD's hands that I couldn't fix and had no answers for. It has been on my mind for a while now but more so in the last week because it was looking impossible for me to change...no solution. Yesterday, the LORD showed me that he is working on it.

I would give details but it's about an impossible relationship. I needed to change my mindset and he has started that. He's changing my heart because I have told him that I don't know how and I need him to do it.

It always amazes me how something seemingly impossible is nothing to the LORD. He can get rid of the problem so easily and you are left thinking 'what was the big deal, how easy was that to solve'. He's the King of conflict resolution.

I was only saying yesterday to this person that we will just keep doing what we can and leave the rest in the LORD's hands. He is so good! I know it's only the beginning but he has so filled me with hope that I can't wait to see the rest of his handiwork.

prayer

when i pray I pray for the possible but also for the impossible. Because I believe what the word says about our LORD...all things are possible with him. He is the same yesterday as he is today.

I pray to the God who created heaven and earth, gave life to us, flooded the earth, raises the dead,parted the dead sea, came to this world as a vulnerable little baby in the hands of a young girl, who walked on water, calmed the seas, fed 5,000, overcame death...2,000 years ago and much much more!

I believe in the unseen. I believe that love conquers all. I believe that when God forgives a sinner like me, i'm made new and my sins are forgotten. I believe Jesus celebrated his birthday with me.

So I pray to the God of the impossible...my Creator and Heavenly Father. I ask him to do what i cannot do. And then i wait with great expectation for his answer...my God reigns.

merry christmas

to anyone who pops by this page:

Merry Christmas. May the LORD bless you right where you are! May he draw you closer to him in the coming new year. I hope the Lord's birthday is filled with love, laughter, and praise.

I have had my traditional christmas eve all nighter with my family and am about to close my eyes for a few hours before celebrating another day. Christmas for me is 48 hours of family, food, and giving.

It's so the LORD's character that on his birthday we get presents! He is the no.1 giver and his generosity knows no bounds.

How do i thank you Lord for saving me, renewing me, restoring me? Not by remembering you only once a year, but by choosing to live my every day life with you, and at this time of year finding all the energy i have within me to wish you a happy birthday in as many ways as possible.

thankful

i should be asleep but this use to be a time when i would have some of my most 'awake' moments with the LORD. So here i am again and tomorrow i am going to be such a zombie.

lots of thoughts...what happens when you're so controlled and responsible in life that it becomes very tempting to do something you normally wouldn't. A small example would be as a Mum I really should go to bed because tomorrow I have 2 little ones to look after. Instead I am here. That's kind of irresponsible. But there are worse things I could be doing. How tempting is that? An extreme would be to live a double life.

Today I am thankful for so many things big and small...my daughter who wakes up looking for me...my son who says 'come on mummy' when he wants me to put him to bed. Watching them do the funniest things as children free to be as loud and as crazy as they want to be or as quiet and shy as they want to be.

I am thankful for my home. That i can decorate it any way I want and make it into a welcoming personal space for my family to grow. I live a privileged life and with that privilege comes responsibility that one day my LORD will hold me accountable for.

I love Christmas because i love buying gifts for people. I am having a gathering of about 24 loved ones on Christmas eve. I want it to be...a time to enjoy each others company, relax after a busy year, and laugh, for everyone to feel comfortable and at home, for the children to have a great time, and lastly a time to remember my Lord and Saviour who died so I might live and love. And who lives so i might live and love.

i know why it's not tempting for me to lose control or lead a double life. Because i know in this life I don't have to be perfect. I don't have that expectation of myself. If anything I know the value of imperfection. And when i'm being 'imperfect' it's ok because i know the LORD doesn't change. He is the same today as he was yesterday. He is my rock and even tho I might be shaky at times, I have not built my house on the sand. No one can snatch me from his hand.

caleb's birthday

caleb's birthday this saturday. we are taking him to the pool with 4 of his cousins and having a picnic afterwards. it's funny because this week he has watched some of his programmes and they have had birthday cake. So he's been asking me for a birthday cake nearly every day. I keep saying wait till saturday, but of course he doesn't understand :)

So looking forward to making the day special for him. Just having his cousins in the water with him will make his day. He will be so excited!

christmas is almost here! because this is my 1st real christmas with full decorations...it is taking me a while to get the house ready. I'm 80% there. And I have been watering my christmas tree so it will at least survive the holidays!

It's going to be an interesting gathering on christmas eve because myles' sister, brother and his mum's partner will be here with all my tribe. Hopefully everyone will enjoy themselves. Plus 1st christmas in our new place.

At least i've done most of my christmas shopping.

Riley's burn is healing nicely, i hope it doesn't scar (plse Lord!). Her and caleb are interacting so much more. She is so long, she's going to be a 'giant' that's one of caleb's fav words at the moment. Everything big is a giant :) She is communicating a lot more, squeals, reaching out to people, giggling, etc. Her 1st teeth are coming out too!

Caleb is desperate to communicate with me. He strings words together but wants to say more so he gets very animated. He recognises letters from the alphabet now to our amazement. We draw with him and do the alphabet and there is a kids programme which focuses on spelling words called 'word world' on the disney channel. It's great! He counts to 10 when he wants to. That still amazes me!! They learn so fast at this age. One week you're drawing letters with him and he doesn't recognise anything and the next week he's saying 'K' or you're counting steps with him and the next he's counting by himself! God is good!

my daughter

I burnt riley last thursday. I had her in her carrier in front of me. And was putting chicken in the oven and the side of her leg caught the oven door. She let out a little scream and I screamed and ran around like a mad woman to check her feet, etc. Couldn't see anything but still put her feet under water. Then sat down to give her milk and saw it was actually on the side of leg and it had blistered up. Meanwhile I hadnt stopped crying, and put her leg under water for 10mins.

Riley was fine, apart from her 1st scream and being a bit disturbed about her leg being under cold water. Caleb couldn't understand what was going on. But kept saying 'alright Mummy?'

I can't believe how stupid I was! I thought she was safe and secure in her carrier and at the time I was saying to caleb 'keep away, oven burn' and not thinking of riley's dangling legs. So stupid. We took her to emergency and they said she should be fine. Took her to our family doctor and she said the same thing. so it's bandaged up.

I had this false sense of security with riley in her carrier, thinking she's safe and happily going about cooking dinner. Never again. Never again. My whole family have been supportive with comments like 'accidents happen' but it's no comfort to me. I should have known better.

I will never do that again.

mother and son

Mary not only found out that her son, her child, was the Saviour of the world, but also her own personal Saviour. Imagine knowing that with the history they would have shared together. We only know of Jesus in the last years of his life, when he was born, one incident as a young boy visiting his Father's house. But she knew him all his life. Saw him grow and change. And he wasn't her only child. She had others she needed to look after.

I wonder what she was like? Like any and every loving mother ever born i guess - doing the best she could.

If she had known the enormity of the responsibility the LORD had put in her hands she may have been more afraid of that angel, may have run away into the dessert like Moses. But instead she trusted that the LORD who bestowed this child on her would take care of them in their every day lives. How do we know this? Because she didn't shirk her responsibilities, didn't abandon him.

At 30 something she was still a part of Jesus' life. If she had known she would have been a nervous wreck. She found out like everyone else. I really hope he appeared to her before he ascended. Even if just to say i love you one last time.

christmas

it's the day we celebrate the LORD's birthday soon. So in my attempts to build some family traditions for my little ones, I am decorating my house on 1 dec, putting up the tree. I have decided to go with a real tree in a pot and try my very best not to kill it so we can have the same tree every christmas :)

I have even started buying gifts. Downloaded a heap of christmas carols from iTunes so I can play them every morning like my Dad use to when i was growing up. Listening to 'Mary Did You Know?' How amazingly true this song is.

When our saviour was born to such a young Mum, did she know how amazing he would be? I doubt she would have fully comprehended this. Even as the events unfolded at his birth and she stored all this away...nothing would have prepared her for his ministry, death, resurrection.

She dropped into the background like every good mum should as children grow and take on the world. There is no mention of her after Jesus' death. But I would hope she was one of the many he appeared to in person. Imagine that scene??? Wow! Did she think back to when she held him as a baby? The funny baby noises he made, the giggles, the tears she wiped when he hurt himself, when she put him to sleep at night and prayed over him?? Her little boy stood before her as Saviour of the world. The tears of joy she must have cried at the sight of him.

I love Christmas time. I love buying gifts so this is a great time for me. (one of my love languages!). Christmas is at our place this year- that happens on Christmas Eve for us. I have lots of plans to keep the kids entertained till midnight. Setting up an outside area for them, kind of like a club house just for them...i hope the grown up kids wont invade.

This year having a couple of drinks - cocktails because one of my cousins is away for New Years so doing a combined thing. Lots happening. Myles' family is coming from NZ. Their first Chrsitmas without their Mum. I remember my 1st Christmas without my Dad. Very sad. So hopefully being surrounded my lots of kids, and laughing grown ups, music and yummy food...might cheer them up a little.

protection

The poor abused baby still haunts my thoughts. Someone will say something and i am reminded of him. I am still for a moment and I think of him. It makes me pause and pray for all children like him still going through the same pain. Prayers to stop whoever is abusing them, for the authorities to find them, for those who know them to turn them in, so these children can be rescued. Prayers for the LORD to act in their lives to save them right now. Pray for one of the LORD's amazing rescue plans. For the LORD to send his angels to do all he can to help them.

It always amazes me that humans can love so much and yet have such a huge capacity to do evil. In knowing good we also know evil. Yet love conquers all because that is who our God is. Through love he heals the most broken of hearts, sets captives free, makes beauty out of ashes, forgives the most horrendous of deeds. His love is unconditional.

My children are asleep. I am thankful for the LORD's protection over us. I never take it for granted. When he answers my prayers I know all glory and praise belongs to him.

one day

where to begin.
just read about a horrific death of a child
17mths old beaten and abused
his whole life spent suffering at the hands of those who were suppose to love him.

how can this happen?
why did no one save this child?
how could my LORD let this happen?

why this child and not mine?
why not me? why save me and not this child?
i can't stop the tears.
i don't read these things because i know there is such evil in the world.

where were my LORD's angels when this child was hurting?
only 17 mths old, a few months younger than caleb.
how can we explain the great master plan when the minute details include this??
how can i praise a God who lets a little baby boy live such a torturous life??

if you're reading this and you are not a christian than you have just experienced a day in the life of a christian in this world. who sees what you see, feels what you feel, and doesn't understand how this can happen. But I still believe.

I said all this to my LORD and King in my kitchen. He knows how upset i am. Unlike me, he saw every day of that child's life, felt every minute of his pain. And did not act. But when that child died, I know he took him in his arms and surrounded him with such love that all that pain disappeared. Now he has an eternity of love, of sitting at our Father's feet, growing in his house, never again to feel anything remotely like his short life here.

And one day. One day. Satan will pay for what he did to that child.

I still can't stop my tears. But I know the LORD is the answer. Only he can stop this world from becoming completely evil. Maybe not today, or the day that little baby took his last breath. But one day. One day.

award

I received this award from my friend Faith. I love it. Mostly because it says blogging friends forever. I have to say my greatest award from Faith is just being connected to her. She is not only my friend but also my safeguard and guide to this blogging world. I trust the links to other blogs on her page are safe to surf. But also I know they're going to be fun and relevant to my life.

I love God connections!

sunset

this evening found myself sitting on the floor in my lounge with my daughter in my arms looking out my windows. The sun was setting because the sky was that eerie orange, red and dark clouds. I couldn't see the sun. The trees in my backyard looked so amazing...highlighted by the sunset.

I sat there feeling very blessed to be holding this precious little girl, mine from the LORD, in my home with this beautiful sunset which was also mine from the LORD. As if i was his little girl and he was holding me. Showing me this sunset. As if I didn't feel blessed enough. Blessed. Blessed.

Sometimes it's the simplest of things that make me feel so grateful. I smiled at my daughter and she made all the right baby noises as if she was pleased for me. Happy to be lying in her mother's lap.

God is good.

american election

i never thought i would see in my lifetime an african american president. It's so amazing. But it seems a lot of christians aren't happy with his stand on alot of things like abortion. Yet my husband said he's a christian. It made me wonder what we as christians consider fundamental beliefs...because we are all different and we belong to different denominations. I've heard many a pastor say things like ' at least we're not baptists' or 'we're not as strange as pentacostals' - all jokingly of course:)

But there must be some values, some base/foundation beliefs which we all must have in common. The 1st one that comes to mind of course is that each of us believes and has accepted Jesus as our Lord and Saviour. We accept that he was God in human form who suffered and died to pay the price for our sins. And he was resurrected so that all who believed in him would have eternal life. He left us the Holy Spirit who lives in each of us to be our Counsellor. We believe in an omnipotent God who is our Creator.

We may differ in who the trinity is in character and each of their roles in our lives. And we may differ in how we practice these beliefs.

But what else makes us the same? Are we expected to have the same views on abortion, homosexuality, who should be in charge of our country, marriage, children, sex?? Or does the LORD give us free will to decide these things for ourselves, based on our own personal experiences in these areas, our own knowledge on these areas?

Because if he made us this way with our own personal life experiences which help form our knowledge base, then we are all going to have different things that we believe strongly and different areas that we pour our lives into. And what i believed as a 21 yr old is not the same as what i believe now as a 40 yr old. Each of us is a work in progress with some areas that we are more set free in then others.

For me personally, the God I believe in, expects me to make judgement calls for myself alone, and now for my children, until they are old enough to do the same. I can only answer for myself when I stand before the LORD. I can't force anyone to believe what i believe because i haven't walked in their shoes. I don't know what makes them who they are.

So yes, I believe for myself abortion is wrong, but for someone who has been through sexual abuse or rape. How can I answer for them? Only God can work that out with them. For me there is no blanket answer to these bigger issues. By this i mean I can't just throw a blanket over these areas and say this one answer covers it all.

I hope I don't offend anyone by this. But sometimes it feels like we as christians have 'pet' sins that we like to stand up against or judge others on. Meanwhile in our lives the sins we should be worrying about don't get enough attention.

I pray the president of the united states not only answers to the people of america but also to the God who created him.

marked

something within me cries out to you
recognises your majesty
who you are
in a simple song
an act of kindness
my babies faces

it's like even if it's not visible from the outside
I am marked on the inside.
something within me knows that i belong to you.
That you are my Shepherd King.
My LORD and Saviour.
My Redeemer.

Yes, I belong to you.
Marked on the inside.

my mum

Responding to Faith's comment has reminded me of the power of praying Mums. Made me think of my Mum and how her prayers have covered me over my 40 yrs. So wanted to write a positive post about her. Mum has certain traits that I would love to emulate. Here's my list:

• prayer and worship. Mum is a prayer warrior. She spends every morning praying and singing praise to the LORD before she even gets out of bed. I can always hear her singing traditional hymns as she goes about her day. When she rocks my little ones, she sings more worship songs.
• she taught herself how to knit and cook. I remember her baking cookies and cakes. There was always a container full of something yummy when i was young. She knitted us clothes and now my children are blessed to have clothes from her too. And she taught me.
• she very rarely follows the crowd and she comes from a big family so it can be overwhelming not following everyone else! She normally stands up for what she believes in and is not afraid to stand alone.
• family and church are very important to her. When we were little and 1st moved to NZ from Samoa she would send us to english speaking churches. As for family...she loves her family and always tries to gather them together wherever she is. So when she's here visiting me, my house can get rather full!
• she's extremely hardworking. To the point of exhaustion sometimes! She does get out of balance with it, but she always wants to tackle everything and doesn't like leaving things for the next day.
• she plays with children. She doesn't just give them something to play with but actually takes time out to play with them and enjoys it.
• she's young at heart. Mum turns 60 this year but she's like a big kid sometimes.
• she loves the LORD. Spends time with him and always remembers him in everything she does.

my daughter

I pray the LORD binds us together so whenever you need me I will know. I worried that I wouldn't love you as much as i love Caleb. I worried in vain. When i hold you in my arms, see you look at me, I am flooded with dreams, hopes and love for you.

I dream that your dreams come true
I hope that you will fly like an eagle
That all the LORD has planned for you will come true
And you will open all the awesome gifts he has for you.

I feel like the LORD. Hoping and dreaming the impossible for you will be possible. Why dream only for some when the LORD is offering it all? Even as a 40 yr old I still dream the impossible. My life has not fazed me because I know my Redeemer lives.

But as a Mum, I worry for your safety. Girls are so vulnerable in this world. I hope and pray that the LORD will keep you safe from harm and that his angels will carry you away from danger. Be a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path.

skin rash

my son has had this skin irritation just under his bottom lip. He 1st had it when he was sick with the cold. We thought it could have been his teeth. At night he's woken up by it and touches his bottom lip with his fingers pulling it out in the process...not exactly tugging at it, but just pushing it. It's almost become a habit now. Then he rubs the left side of his mouth with the back of his hand because it's itchy. This causes a red patch on the right side of his mouth. You can kind of see it on the picture above with him and riley.

We have tried different creams recommended by our Doctor and even had a 2nd opinion with other creams. Tried putting vaseline on it. It's very upsetting because it goes away and we think hooray it's cleared up. Then a couple of weeks later it's back.

Last night it happened again. I've tried googling it but because it could be a number of things there's no other solution apart from what we're doing already. I held him in my arms last night and I couldn't stop crying to see him so disturbed because he was so tired but kept trying to press him lip with his fingers. Then the scratching started.

It could be teething, drooling, an allergy, overheating....all of the above!

I have prayed about it. But the LORD hasn't taken it away yet. And I'm still no clearer as to what it is. So going to take him to the doctor again. I'm worried it's going to leave a scar because it's been happening on and off for months now.

Need to be observant about it. So i can narrow down when it happens. It's always when he's asleep that it irritates him. My poor son.

movies

i have not spent a lot of time with the LORD lately. I thank the LORD for prayer! The ability to talk to the LORD whenever and wherever has been my life saver over the years. And yet again, this is keeping me afloat. I always have time to talk to him.

I have watched two stink movies lately in my after midnight sessions with riley. But both had messages straight from the LORD. That shed light on my life - in both these cases about my marriage. How do i know it was from the LORD? Because i recognised it immediately as truth. It was about me and it's always as if they looked into my soul and found what I already knew was there but couldn't put my finger on. As always the LORD being the creator of my soul cut right to the heart of me.

I said to him, why are you using these two mediocre movies to speak to me - i mean they could at least be memorable ones! And i realised it's because I haven't spent a lot of time in study or reading my daily sources or in the word. So typical of him - he stepped into my every day life.

I love it when he does that because it shows me how much he cares that he can still touch my life right where I'm at. I watched these movies because I don't need to concentrate on them, but they might be funny or a bit of a story that i can follow in the background while i hang with my daughter. A romantic comedy would be great...but haven't found anything yet :)

Anyways he's given me a lot of food for thought. I have a lot of personal homework to do!

day dreaming

every now and then i have crazy ideas and get the travel bug. I have a list of places i would love to visit before i die. The biggest on this list would be Antarctica. I hope I get to go. An even bigger dream is space travel, but that wont be in my life time...and even if it was, it would be waaay too expensive.

So last week was hanging with my son and another idea popped into my head. Why can't we go live in New York for a year or two. Myles could get a transfer...We've always wanted to go to New York. But then the whole 9/11 happened and put that idea to bed for a while.

If we did, then what year would that be? How disruptive would that be for the kids education? It would have to be before they went to school which means in the next couple of years. But then I would miss out on crucial years in my nieces and nephews lives. Especially the older two and the youngest one!

I still haven't ruled it out. But thought maybe we could just go there for a couple of months and explore the place. That way myles gets to spend time with us rather than at work.

I'm such a dreamer! But dreaming did get me to London, Paris, Jerusalem, the Serengeti, the Disney castle in Germany with the impossible name Neuw...stein, Austria, Switzerland, Holland, etc. So will happily keep dreaming :)

movies

my little girl just went to sleep. I am watching more movies since she's staying up late. She slept the day away and wanted to eat and play after midnight.

I am one of these people that watch movies, find something in them, like in last post, and then off i go to wake up my hubby to discuss it with him. Of course, I don't just wake him willy nilly...is that a universal term? I only wake him up when it's relating to us or our marriage.

So watched this movie, wont say what it's called cos might reveal too much about us, and since only one of us blogs, it's not fair on the other to blurt out marriage stuff. But my point is this movie was really bad, it had characters i didn't even like. This was a good thing because it was like they were keeping it real, that people can be funny and stupid and weird. We're not perfect.

2nd point. This movie actually hit it on the nail about marriages and how different men and women are. And so after this I am going to wake up my man and have a deep and meaningful, which he won't enjoy because he's so not a night owl.

But that's me, far from perfect, one of these people who can't sleep when something needs discussing or is weighing heavy on my mind. So even tho i am really tired...had 50th tonite of one of my loved ones which was really low key and enjoyable...but didn't get home till late. Still common sense tells me i should go to be bed because i have church in a few hours, and baby will wake again. But no, I am still waking up my man :)

I am starting to wonder if this is me, up late thinking about my life, working out my issues at the opposite end of the day. I can cope with that. That's life.

hope

i'm a sci fi fan and i was watching a babylon 5 movie. A line was used on it about hope. The captain said he's never known hope to be anything but on a diet...something along those lines. I thought wow is that true? Is that true of the hope the LORD promises us? He said in Jeremiah that his plans are to prosper us and not harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future.

Is that hope the LORD speaks of on a diet?? Is that the hope of glory in me? Is that Christ in me?

Hope is usually most relevant in the midst of trials and tribulations. Is it ever so slim and faint that it doesn't spell out a feast in the presence of my enemies, like Psalm 23 speaks of? Cup overflowing, mercy and goodness following me for the rest of my life??

At first glance it sounds true...I remember when they wheeled me around in that hospital bed to have my operation...to remove my 7 week baby in my fallopian tube. As I lay on that bed watching things wizz pass my eyes, was i filled with hope or despair? It's a moment i remember clearly. I prayed all the way and it didn't change the fact that I was about to lose a child that I only knew existed in me that very same day. We had been trying for about 3 years to have children.

I took refuge in the LORD. And I prayed the impossible prayer to save this child as they were wheeling me towards an operation which would end his/her life. I took hope in the knowledge that this proved I could have children even tho he/she was growing in the wrong place. That seems like the hope i had was on a diet. Small consulation for the loss of a life. We had been trying for 3 years and this was our reward?? Little hope surely. Especially as this would mean more difficulty having a child with only one fallopian tube and to make matters worse they also found a large cyst on the opposite ovary...hope on a diet.

Three months later, before my cyst operation I was told they wouldn't be able to save my ovary and this would mean I couldn't have children...with no fallopian tube attached to my only good ovary. Yip, at first glance the LORD's promise of a future and a hope seemed very slim. I remember sitting in that doctor's office. I remember having to hold back tears as they stated that fact to me. Taking away that wonderful future I hoped for.

But I knew the LORD was with me. I knew my child was safe in him and that one day I would meet this little soul again. That even tho i didn't know him/her, the LORD knew. This was his creation and he was taking my child home.

I was devastated. But i put all my hope in the LORD. Hope of more children, hope that this child would experience eternity before me, see my LORD, see my Saviour, hope in the unseen. I knew Satan was trying to steal my future.

So as I prayed on that hospital bed, I was filled with such peace and comfort. I needed it to get thru the operation. Mourning would come later.

That was my hope. And yes the LORD did have a future planned for me and a hope. Yes there was a feast waiting for me. My reward for this hope? A reward I thank him throughout my days for? Two beautiful little ones fast asleep as their crazy Mum bakes a banana cake at 3:20am on this warm Sydney night.

life with two

i think because i have been tired all week, last nite i was looking forward to going out shopping. But it wasn't the shopping but more just the hanging out carefree. I spend my days with my two little ones, so they determine my daily schedule...when they eat, when they sleep or play, etc. Even though my man is at home at night, there is still sleeps, breast feeding, etc. I don't do lots in between because i am tired and i just want to sleep at the moment. (yes, can't wait for my little girl to get back to a routine!)

So it's nice to have a few hours where you just wander around, have coffee and a little something special, pop into shops and see what's out there. (popped into one of those dollar shops and they had electric hand held fans with a twist - they had a light which you could programme words into and they flash up as the fan spins around. Great stocking filler for my nieces and nephews!).

But last nite my man came home late and so by the time we got to the shops there was nothing carefree about it. We had to buy a 5oth pressie which was meant to be easy but wasn't. And didn't get to have coffee and hang out. Very sad.

And the nite before we had takeaways but didn't get what i ordered....so all very disappointing :)

It made me realise i really have to do better at scheduling time for myself. Otherwise I won't enjoy my two little ones as much and they will definitely not enjoy me! lol

I am normally up till 2am and then wake up 6am, , 7:30am, 8:30am...lots of broken sleep makes for a very sleepy mum. I'm having one of those 'what about me' moments :)

blogging

it's funny every now and then i think i should give up blogging. I have spells when life just gets busy and then my enthusiasm wanes. But then i read blogs listed on Faith's blog and realise how really great a tool this is. Especially for women who need to pour out their hearts in lots of different ways. And for me writing has always aided me in getting to the root of my problems. Often i find just by writing it down the LORD speaks to me and shines his light on the truth of who i am.

I sometimes feel like i write like the Psalms where it starts with 'woe is me' and somewhere in the midst of it all I get some perspective and wake to an awesome truth - GOD rules. So nothing is ever as bad as Satan makes out it to be when you believe and know who the LORD is. He is all knowing, and has already written all the days of our lives, and he's the master planner so he always provides us with escape routes and coping mechanisms beyond our little being. So we are never alone. And just need to remember that kids song about our God being so big...the Creator of heaven and earth stands behind me, beside me, dwells in me, carries me :) holds my hand and comforts me. ok that list could go on forever!

Enough about me! My son has been drumming all morning. He just sits on his cushion drumming away as he watches the world go by. sometimes he sings. Right now he's rummaging thru his toys and he needs some mummy time.

40 yr old turning 5

LORD
who am I, who did you want me to be?
Am i anywhere near being that person?
Or did i turn right instead of left?

How close am i really to you?
How close was i meant to be?
i am 40yrs old and I have to wonder...have i come a long way?
What was i meant to achieve by this age?

I hope and pray that my relationship with my only living biological parent doesn't reflect my relationship with you. From her point of view i don't listen, i'm full of myself and i need to be told what to do every 5mins like a 5 yr old...oh great, that is how i am with you!

Please redeem the rest of my yrs so i can catch up...at least let me grow up faster with what's left of this year...so i can at least be 10 at the end of it. I will try to listen more, and be more humble.

I love you LORD with all that's worth from my heart to yours.

sunshine

it's such a beautiful day today in Sydney. I have the cold and so do my children. yes again. But who cares about that when the sun is shining and i can see beautiful white camelias outside my window.

I had a party for the 3 new little ones in our family. There was about 40 or more people. Was worth it to see all my cousins enjoying themselves. And it was a beautiful warm sunny day too. So at least i enjoyed myself and did something worthwhile when i caught the cold this time around.

I was a bit depressed the other nite when i saw my kids with runny noses knowing full well they caught it from me...sad one. But as my man says that's life.

Been thinking about lots of things lately - kids, last moments, where to from here, what do i desperately want to achieve, etc. And also the usual mother type things like...how to get my son to stop overeating grapes once he starts (he doesn't know when to say when...and just keeps asking for more!)

I'm on the computer, while my son is screaming 'go!' as he watches a rugby league semi-final with his Dad. He's getting very good at mimicking us. Having a quiet nite in. My little girl is fast asleep and my Mum is busy knitting. life keeps rolling on.

caleb moment

my son is developing quite a personality. Yesterday he found a hammer as I was sorting out the toolbox. Today he was walking around calling to it 'hammer, where are u? hammer'. He does that a lot...as if the thing he's looking for will answer him back OR it will get mummy's attention and miraculously she produces it in front of his very eyes :)

change

I'm letting people get to me emotionally. And since being preggys with two babies I have noticed the physical effect this is having on me. I can actually feel my stress levels rising...my body and face esp tense up. My head hurts from it and I can't cope.

Quite sad really. But it made me realise something. I know the LORD has harped on to me about this for years now and I have changed a lot but it's like something negative is creeping back into my life and I can't stand that! I have to snap out of it before it becomes a stronghold for Satan.

Anyways what i realised yet again is - i can't control anything except ME. The choices I make, how i chose to spend my day, focus on, enjoy...these are all mine to make the most of. Yesterday, was feeling very overwhelmed because I was expecting to have a nice day. My mum was staying at my brother's place so I had this free day to do what I needed to do.

So lots of washing planned - something I enjoy doing when it's on my own timetable. Plus wanted to sort my porch area - was given an outdoor table and chairs set for birthdays (mine and myles). Then was going to watch my cousins in their grand final for rugby league. Hang out with family there and have a laugh as we all cheer them on.

But my morning proved stressful. And the day was looking gloomy so not good washing weather and I couldn't take kids out in that weather. And someone who shall remain nameless upset me all morning. I won't get into details becos will be too obvious who it is.

I could feel myself losing control...my body was tense and I was about to have a huge hissy fit. And then i thought - why am I letting this person upset me? They are doing what they want. Why am I busting my gut trying to do things that benefit everyone when they're just looking after themselves?

That's when I remembered that important God lesson of mine. I can't change anything but ME. Do what I want to do...and enjoy the day the LORD has given me. So decided to leave kids with hubby and go out with my cousins. Since it's only the 2nd time I've been without them for a few hours...I can have some ME time.

And it was heaps of fun. Laughed and cheered till my voice was croaky. And they won!

And today I'm continuing with doing what I want...day is glorious and washing is drying, babies are asleep and I am going to have a cup of tea and flick thru my house mag on my tidied porch in the sun :) God is good.

hooray

everyone recovering and on the mend. Just as well because I am close to curling up in bed for a week and never getting up. But once my man is back on the mend, can help more with children and working out routines.

Plus organising a huge family gathering for the 3 newborns in my family - my cousins had beautiful girls too so having a party on the 20th. Going away hopefully for a few days the weekend before this. So life is still busy but these two things should be enjoyable.

Once everyone is better I think I'm going to do a dance for joy...i wonder what that would look like???

more sickness

my man has some gastro bug...i think the kids gave it to him. The funny thing is only the other day we were joking that it would be better if one of us got whatever virus they have so we would know what it was and know how to help them cope with it. Then myles caught it on Sunday :)

So it's definitely a gastro thing. confirmed by the doctor today. So thankfully Caleb's ear infection is much better. And riley's cold is more or less gone. So just have this to deal with now. Roll on summer please!!! Spring is still cold too but it means summer is closer!

My 40th is soon too. was planning to go away for a few days, the 4 of us. But will see how well everyone is. hoping they will all be fit enough for a car trip somewhere beachside!

I have to laugh at my baptism of fire into motherhood of 2. Don't know how my sister-in-law does 4 kids because she stresses big time, and is a drama queen. Yet she has survived 4 kids who get sick a lot and are very hypo with her especially. Must buy her a pressie for being such an awesome mum.

Makes me value my health even more!!! Need to do more! Need to do more!! Oh had my 6 week checkup and i'm doing fine. Wooohhoooo that's worth celebrating :)

watoto update

We have reached another milestone! Less than $7,000 to go before we reach our target set so long ago. So close to building that house for Watoto.

It's so exciting for me. And I can't wait to say it's done!!!

dreamer

i have been watching olympics. you spend a lot of time sitting down when breast feeding.

I watch the volleyball and still dream of playing....except i'm 40 this year, 5 ft 7 and these girls are in their 20s and most are well over 6 ft. and super fit. oh well, a girl can dream can't she??

how does He do it??

how does the LORD cope with sickness? I have 2 children he has millions. Does he feel what we feel? Jesus did experience all we have, he had mercy on us, he cried when he saw us in pain, he loved those who belonged to him and showed compassion to many.

The LORD knows each of us. He knows all the days of our lives before we even know them. Yet he is right there with us for each moment of our lives. He feels the pain i feel today - caleb was getting better and yesterday he vomited twice, and tonite he woke up and vomited. It's very upsetting for me, because he's so upset and all i can do is hold him because i can't instantly wave a wand and make it all go away.

The LORD sees caleb's little face too and he sees mine. He's seen his children experience the most horrific things in this world. And he doesn't wave a magic wand and make it instantly go away. I would want to intervene. But i know that's not the plan.

It's like seeing Jesus suffer at the hands of the soldiers, tortured and nailed to a cross...how did God not unleash all the power he holds to wipe those soldiers from the face of the earth and beat Satan to a pulp??? I mean the angels must have been pacing up and down like caged lions waiting to be released so they could devour all before them and save Jesus. But they could do nothing without God's permission.

How does the LORD suffer with us so?? How does he comfort us and hold us in his arms and not want to act?? Even if he is all knowing. Satan's time on this earth keeps rolling on...i know God sees time differently from us but still...how can he live in the moment and view the future the same way??

So glad that my job is sooooo much smaller. I just have to figure out why my son is spewing and if i can't do that I have to do what i can to comfort and help him through it. I only have to be discerning about my two little ones and I pray the LORD grants me so much grace in this area. Because I have no idea what i'm doing.

I just have to care for my two little ones, hold them in my arms. Unlike the LORD who holds the world and works out what's best for all...the seen and the unseen.

sickness

kids are both sick. now i know what it feels like to be my brother. He has 4 kids and when one gets sick they all go down!

I don't cope well with sickness. Caleb has very rarely been sick but when he is i become a blubbering mess. So having two kids sick as been a huge learning experience. But here's something interesting. My little girl has the cold and when i talk to her i say things like 'you can fight this little one', 'keep fighting'...what's with that??? Yet with caleb it's all been 'my poor baby' and lots of comforting talk.

Yet my daughter I seem to be trying to build her up or something! Am i expecting more from her already? Or is it because she's my 2nd child and so i have more experience and know she will be alright? But she's only a month old. I see her struggling to breath and wish i could do something to help her breath, tried sucking the mucus out of her nose because the silly nose drops weren't doing a lot of good and causing her a lot of stress, making her even more blocked up.

it's weird because my relationship with my own mum who is here helping out is deteriorating. And i hope and pray that I build a much more loving and accepting relationship with my little girl.

For some reason in my family more is expected of girls. They have more responsibility. I'm typical of girls in my family. I don't want that for my daughter. I don't want to expect more of her than caleb. she can be her own person. I don't want to be doomed to repeat the mistakes of my parents but then i don't want to overcompensate and go the other way.

Balance, balance, balance. LORD, help me to love her the way you love her. To be her guide and her greatest cheerleader. To be a great steward of this awesome creation you have placed in our hands. She's so vulnerable and I guess part of me what's to make her strong so she can cope with this world. Please draw close to her LORD and help her to love you. Thank you for protecting her and being her rock and her refuge. Hide her in your wings LORD as she battles this cold. help her to a speedy recovery. Thank you LORD.

being a mum

I know it's only been a month since riley was born and being a mother of 2 will take some time for me to get use to...but it's hitting me just how much my life is going to be full on. I know I have to be fitter and healthier to be able to cope but just working out routines is going to take time.

I have learnt one lesson - never carry a newborn into your toddler's bedroom when he's just woken up. Because mine doesn't wake up a happy chappy but crying and wanting to be carried...and my arms were full with riley...I was like 'wait a minute son, i've just got to put riley down'...run back to lounge put riley down, run back to room and pick up a hysterical caleb :)

Today both my babies fell asleep - riley on the couch and caleb on my lap...I wanted to have a nap too...so instead of carrying caleb to the room, I put him on his toddler couch on the floor, I grabbed floor cushions and made myself a bed next to him and we all camped in the lounge. Except riley woke up 10mins later :)

Right now I don't have time to myself. It has hit me in the last week because I'm always being Mum. 24/7...unlike a job you can leave at the office, I never stop being Mum. Mum's are an amazing lot. I have no qualifications for it, and every day I learn how to be a Mum, learn something new, learn the job...and unlike other jobs most of my learning is going to be by trial and error. There is no job description, list of duties, and someone to teach you how to do the job...yes, I have books and advice but each child is different and two children in one family are not the same as two children in another family.

I know in a few months it will change again and I will have a better idea of how my two little ones fit with each other and me. I can't wait till my 6 week check up and hopefully I will be able to do more exercise and then do more with caleb. Already I am doing too much but I feel like I'm recovering well.

It's been great being able to run around and do stuff without pain and tiredness. I have been thanking the LORD for small mercies...3 hours sleep without interruption...the sound of rain as I jump into bed with my little family around me...my son sleeping without waking up.

Had a family bbq just to celebrate how blessed we are to have riley and caleb. I felt like celebrating with my close loved ones. I forgot how much work a bbq was but i enjoyed every moment of it, because I was just looking forward to hanging out with them all, the noise and laughter, the smiling faces of my family. It was great. But the next day could barely move my legs :)

Being a Mum has to be the most challenging and the most rewarding job ever. There is a lot of self-sacrificing...or is that just the kind of mother I choose to be?? I want to put them 1st because they need protecting and loving...I am learning to love without expectation...so when do parents change and start expecting more in return? I hope that never happens to me.

my little girl

here's a pic of my not so 'little' girl. She was bigger than her brother in length and weight but for some reason she just seems so much more fragile than he was.

Not sure if I have said this but I've always been scared to have a little girl. For a couple of reasons...

her safety...this world is not made for little girls...but i thank the LORD that she will be holding his hand in this world...i can't go everywhere with her but he can. I know personally how messed up this world can be and I wish I could protect her from it, but the LORD knows best and he will be with her every step of the way home.

i'm not a typical girl...I've always loved the outdoors, running around, playing sport, playing with a ball, or wargames with my cousins. Didn't play with dolls or dress up or other girlie things. Preferred hanging out with boys than girls because they were always so catty.

So I worried that if I had a girlie girl I wouldn't be able to meet her needs. But I have worked out some strategies...if she needs help with make-up or her hair, I have a couple of close relatives I can turn to :)...if she wants to play with her dolls than I have 2 cousins who just had girls around same time as me...I can invite them around :)

Having said all that I can be very girlie...love flowers, love bright colours, Pacific colours, so lots of beautiful bright flowery summer dresses for my little one. I think with all the many women in my family Riley will be fine. Lots of variety to choose from and help her to decide who she wants to be and what she will love and include in her life. Most importantly she will have the LORD, her Creator, to show her who she was destined to be.

baby girl

quick word - had a healthy baby girl - Riley Diana. Caesarian after going into labour...couldn't get pass that magic mark of 8cm. Just as well I didn't have a natural birth - Riley was bigger than Caleb - 4.52 kilos or 9.9lbs and 56cm long or 22inches.

I thank the LORD for blessing us with another healthy child. I feel like I have been waiting for her for ages, so am soooo happy we are both home and well.

will write more when I have energy.

the continuing saga of baby names!

Last nite, my Mum had the baby names book out and the rest of us (my brother and hubby) brainstormed on names yet again.

So far we only have Riley which Myles and I both like. Then my brother came up with the idea of letting caleb pick a name. So we wrote all the possibilities down on bits of paper....misty, storm, riley, ocean, tre, calypso, etc. And then tried to get caleb to pick one. Except he kept taking them all. So got him to hand me one from his pile. And guess what it was? RILEY.

Myles and I cracked up laughing. My mum didn't find it too funny - she doesn't like that name. So looks more and more like her name will be Riley Diana. But myles has taken a liking to Misty now...

pregnancy loneliness

when i feel helpless I feel lonely
why is that??
I literally can't help myself...i have to ask for help for big things and little things.
I can't complete things on my own...I need help to accomplish even small things.

This last month I have felt frustrated at my inability to cope.
I can't even stretch away my aches and pains.
Someone else has to massage me.
I can't enjoy my son falling asleep on my arm...it hurts too much.

Why does this make me feel so lonely??? because I'm alone.
No one else can carry my child.
I could barely walk 2 days ago...but I went out anyway.
I looked ridiculous.

I am worried for my baby.
I want to try a natural birth.
Having had a caesarian, if things go wrong I might lose my child.
It's a small chance, but still it's a risk.
I'm scared and have been praying I make the right decision.

I feel alone because I'm so dependent on others.
I hate being so needy.
But that's just how it's meant to be.
I only have to survive a little while longer.

Then I will hold my baby.
See the life that has been growing in me.
The aches and pains will not compare.
And every day I spend with her will be a blessing.

dreaming

1 week to go!!! Have that feel like writing feeling again.

Dreams:
to buy a holiday house somewhere within walking distance of a beautiful beach so i can take all my nieces and nephews and children there during the weekends. Give them experiences they wouldn't otherwise have.

to have my own business working from home. So I get to spend maximum time with my kids and do something i love.

to buy a plot of land where we can build a community centre which churches can book out for services (ideally free of charge), outdoor bbq park area, basketball courts, volleyball court, pool, cafe and bookstore. Where everyone is welcome and churches from different denominations work together for the good of the local community and on projects bigger than themselves...united as one.

to fund practical progammes which meet the basic needs of poverty strickened countries in Africa...like Watoto. one country at a time.

ok that's enough dreaming :)

i feel like writing today...

What's been happening...

• the LORD has been renewing my mind about that situation I mentioned before.
• I've been so busy nesting it's not funny. Have notebook with long to do lists which i complete and fill another page with.
• Last night I rearranged my cupboards now that I have more storage. I'm still in the process of putting up curtains. I would have done them already but requires hubby's help and he's a wee bit busy at the moment too.
• Finished a painting that I've had for a couple of years. Trying to blow up a picture of caleb...took a while to narrow it down to 5!
• Weather has been very wet of late...sunny for an hour then rain and cloud. Not good for the loads of washing I have.
• Have almost packed my hospital...leaving it a bit late!
• Knitted a couple of scarfs.
• Knitted my daughter a cardigan but didn't like the buttons so will change those today.
• Have these plain white nighties which were given to caleb...but he never wore them. I have some ribbon and iron ons to jazz them up a bit...don't like plain white anything - too many beautiful colours in the world.
• Still putting up pictures and paintings on our walls. Getting there!

Well that's enough of my everyday life.

How's my eternal life going???
Next post.

a few caleb highlights

Just finished a drumming session with my son. Our neighbours must be going deaf :) Made me think of sharing a few of my caleb moments:

• my son loves drumming...his plastic drum is too beat up from his constant banging on it that I have to buy him a new more hardy one!
• He beats everything with drumsticks, and turns whatever he picks up into drumsticks...he had a small toy guitar and he decided to bang it against our wooden floors.
• He dances a lot! And sings most mornings whatever pops into his head.
• He has inherited his Dad's love of music...i'm just hoping it's not country music :)
• he's crazy about cheese...always asking for it. Had to buy one which is reduced fat!
• he has this new habit of falling asleep but wanting to hold my hands.
• when I tell him off for something he goes crying to his Dad and vice versa.
• greets my Mum and brother with 'morning'.
• when we pray for him, he says 'amen' over and over and over.

caleb is such a blessing in our lives that I can't imagine life without him. To be so blessed after years of wanting a child just makes me appreciate God's perfect timing even more!

who do i want to be?

a person of integrity

faithful, trustworthy and loyal

loving and giving

discerning

a woman who smiles at her future

enjoys life and grasps every moment of it

a blessing to those the LORD puts in her hand

a person of vision who follows through and doesn't give up easily

always learning - especially from mistakes which seem to teach the most!

AS IF THESE WERE NOT IMPOSSIBLE ENOUGH. TWO TRAITS FROM MY LORD AND SAVIOUR:

someone who can see into the hearts of individuals and know who they truly are

to see my life beyond myself, through the eyes of the Father

sabotage

Do you ever feel like you're sabotaging the LORD's blessings and plans in your life? I do. The LORD has given me so much and yet I act like an ungrateful child who looks at what I don't have instead of what I do. I mourn a past that the LORD has taken away. Why???

This is one of those posts I talked about before where you can't really share the full story.

I am like this because the LORD's ways are not my ways. When he answers a prayer he doesn't always do it the way you expected or wanted. And sometimes he requires sacrifice from you...literally...you are that sacrifice and it's a cross you have to carry.

It's the LORD's way to teach me and help me grow. It definitely doesn't feel like. It feels like I'm falling apart and I don't know how to cope or shake free from what binds me. And the funny thing is it would be so much easier if i followed his example.

I've been going through something which I thought I had to go thru to get to the other side. But the LORD showed me that's not his plan. I went to my cousin's church for a night service and realised that the LORD had put my house in order and i was to walk in it. Not walk in the past but to walk in his plan to prosper me.

He rescued me from this situation so I wouldn't have to continue living it, but so I could move on from it. I can't cope with it, and he knows that. I need to consider it done and dusted. Leave it in his hands and focus on what I have control over and what I can do.

I can't control how other people feel about me, how they behave towards me, or even how much they love me. All I can do is love them the best I know how and not let them steal my joy. Make the most of what I have, focus on all that's positive. And in my life there is so much that is positive.

My head said what if i'm living a lie?? Then the LORD will sort it, but I can only be true to myself. I can't stop people lying to me. Only God can. Until he tells me they are lying to me, I have to trust him and believe that my life is in his hands. He is in control even if I am not.

But what if I get hurt again?? I can choose to let it hurt me again and again or I can choose to NEVER let it take a hold of me again. Hurt is something Satan wants me to feel. I'm not defeated, no weapon formed against me will prosper because my reward is eternal. My hope is in the LORD and the joy of the LORD is my strength.

It only hurts because it makes me feel helpless and unworthy and unloved. But the LORD loves me. And I am worthy of his love, not by my deeds but by his grace. I can't earn his love or anyone else's. It must be freely given.

I can't pretend either. But I can choose to shake it off, take it captive in the name of Jesus, and not dwell on it. Yes, it hurts. But only because I let it.

I don't feel like I'm explaining this very well. But the gist of it is: the LORD wanted to save me from this pain, from having to battle this on my own. He set up a rescue plan. And I thought that meant I had to cope with the consequences. But he rescued me so I wouldn't have to do this. He did the spring cleaning because he knew I couldn't.

All I have to do is accept that his mercy and grace is enough. That my life is still on track and under his control, not Satan's. I don't have to deal with it anymore. He let me know what was happening but he wasn't expecting me to dwell on it.

It was a case of 'Daughter this is the truth about the life you are living. But don't worry because my plans for you are still on track...your husband will be saved, your children born. Think of it no more. But strive forward in the plans I have set up. Leave the rest to me...I will sort it and it will be for your good.'

ok, i think that's what i was trying to say.

shopping dramas

I am all shopped out!!! I went shopping on Sat, still looking for 3 items of furniture for my new home, plus curtains, etc. I was shopping 3 hrs and went to this huge mall. We're not familiar with it, so walked around and around searching for a couple of shops. Even my man who is usually good with directions found the signage very difficult to follow.

As I was walking around I could feel my body wasn't coping, legs were aching and I was overheating. I could see Myles getting further ahead of me and didn't have the energy to even speak. So I kept walking and walking. When I caught up to myles - I had to sit down, but I was so exhausted and overwhelmed with how I was feeling physically, I couldn't tell him how I was feeling. So he knew something was wrong, made the decision and sat us down.

In my head I kept thinking, I can't cope, this is too much, I should be doing less, simplifying my life, not doing shopping marathons. I just wanted to breakdown and ball my eyes out, but this mall was super packed with people and the seat we were on had several other people sitting there.

So I decided Sunday would be my last day shopping, even if we found nothing. It would just have to wait till after baby. I asked the LORD to help us find what we needed on Sunday after church because I was soooo done with shopping.And on Sunday we found everything we needed. One of the things was out of stock but at least I knew what I wanted now, and myles could go pick it up when they restocked. I didn't have to go again.

Why am I sharing this?? Because I have never felt so overwhelmed and unable to help myself like that. I couldn't even talk. With caleb I made a point of relaxing and staying home because it was my 1st child. But Gobbie has had it hard.

It made me realise that I was stressing myself out with the long list of things to do. Instead of focusing on the one thing I need to do most. Look after myself for Gobbie's sake and mine. I can't afford to have my blood pressure rise this month. I have 4 weeks left and I need to spend these wisely.

So no more marathon shopping days. One task a day and nothing overwhelming. What are those three magic words the LORD gave me??? simplify, balance and accept. Need to write these on my heart.

gobbie

My cousin had a beautiful baby girl. There are 3 of us due in the next few weeks, I'm the last. Plus Faith's sister is due any day! Next is my other cousin due in a couple of weeks, then me in 5 weeks.

Gobbie is still nameless....possibilities....peita diana, rylie diana, eva diana, eden diana (that doesn't sound that nice together ), kiri diana, mika diana (but sounds too similar to my cousin's baby, so won't pick that one now)...

What's in a name anyway?? I want it to have meaning but words like grace, wisdom, merciful, compassionate, kind, giving, faithful, discerning...don't come with great names...and my family is so big chances are there is already one or two already...

And the search continues...

to blog or not to blog?

I was reading faith's blog and it reminded me of the blogging dilemma that I have. Blogging is not like your personal diary where you can write all that's on your mind, all the trials and battles you go through, or even all that the LORD is working on in your life.

It's the whole privacy thing. If you want to be able to write all this then you're better of remaining anonymous and not putting your name or family pictures, etc. because sometimes it's your family you're battling with. You have to think of their privacy.

So when you're going through something and it occupies all your head space then it's hard to blog about what's happening in your life. It's a bit like that saying...my man has used it occasionally...something about an elephant on the table and no one wants to discuss it. That's what it feels like for me. And you can't even write about the specific lessons the LORD is teaching you at the time.

So sometimes when I'm not blogging it means life has slapped me in the face and I'm working on it or recovering from it. But of course other times it's just because i'm too busy living life and too tired to write :)

home life

view from my pc...

• large windows that cover the back wall of our lounge,
• looking out on to our porch in the backyard,
• pine trees on the right side which extend way too high but give us lots of privacy,
• grassy yard enclosed by more trees.
• Next to me, on my right is a large bookcase with a collection of books, mags, little suitcases and boxes, pictures of loved ones,
• on my left I can see the kitchen,
• behind me is the rest of the lounge where hubby and brother sit watching some tv programme.

this is my new home. And I'm very blessed to have found a place which has a great balance of space and cosiness.

All that's left to do is add those finishing touches which personalise homes...photos, and pictures on walls, curtains, and rearranging chairs/couches now we have a better feel of the space. Plus I have a few extra bits of furniture to purchase from IKEA now I know what extra storage we might need.

And countdown is on for Gobbie...bought clothes for her, my only complaint is everything in the shops for girls is pink! I like pink but there are other colours just as wonderful...red, green, yellow, orange, blue....but no everything blue had a truck or some male oriented picture. So no more pink for me!

Doctors appointments are going well. I thank the LORD for taking care of Gobbie and me. Looking forward to a quiet and relaxing next 6 weeks building up to the big event!

transition

we are still unpacking our house! All funeral things are over as of yesterday so can put all my efforts into sorting and purging.

I have just over 8 weeks before baby is due unless she comes early :) She is still nameless and I can't keep calling her Gobbie.

It's weird to think there is going to be another little one in the house. I wonder how caleb will react. He slept for the first time in his own bed, separated from us, for the whole nite. So hopefully, by the time Gobbie comes home, he will have adjusted to his big boy bed.

Haven't spent much time with the LORD apart from talking to him through out my day. Looking forward to see quality time with him. My life feels like it's in a transitional phase...definitely because of the move, but also with a new baby, my mum over, no time to just sit back and enjoy life, lots of unfinished tasks to follow up on. But it's temporary.

Hope by the end of this week I will feel more settled.

another death

My uncle died on Tues. He has been sick for a couple of years - 75 years old, so it's a mixed blessing because now he's no longer in pain and he went to be with the LORD. I wasn't feeling sad about it until I saw him and my aunty. Having just been to Myles' mum's funeral it's all just too much sadness. Lost so many loved ones, 3 of them in April...bad month for my family. I think I'm over mourning.

It has been a busy time for us. I have been feeling sick and we're moving house. So been busy packing up old house, cleaning and unpacking at new house. My family is busy with funeral preparations so haven't had the usual cousins to help. But Monday we've hired a truck and 4 of my male cousins are coming over to help load and unload.

Funerals in my culture are no small feat. My uncle was a popular man in his community and church so it will be a big funeral with lots of people turning up at their house to pay their respect. There's always a lot of cooking and lots of people.

I would normally be over there a lot but with moving and being preggy and sick it's just not possible. Have had to prioritise so packing and cleaning is all i'm doing until the big move on Monday. We're not moving far from our current place so it makes it easy to troup back and forth.

My niece has been helping me pack and unpack. She's 9 and needs to know the exact schedule of her day...what we're doing every hour. So keeping her entertained has been funny while still letting her help me. She likes cleaning the outside of cupboards but not the inside. She loves using the cleaning spray and is always trying to create jobs that require spraying. She enjoys vacuuming but only what she can see is dirty :)

I can't wait to settle in to our new home and focus on baby. With the funeral, my Mum is now coming over earlier which is another mixed blessing....letting her help me while not letting her stress me over her perfectionist, only 'one way' to do everything attitude. caleb is going to love having her around. Will have to make sure she doesn't spoil him to the point of disobedient!

sleep is calling me.

God and me

what does it mean to be your daughter LORD?
is it perfection? Creation made perfect?
or is it acceptance? Of who we are and who others are.
that even angels are not perfect.
but they are loved, just as we are.

why did you make us so flawed LORD?
to right a wrong and give Satan a chance to repent?
Or to prove that love is the only way.
Satan chooses hate as his weapon because he knows you are love.

he tries to undermine you by attacking your greatest weapon - love.

He takes love from those who have it
Shines it in the light so we can see just how imperfect it is.
He steals it from us little by little so we don't even notice
And then we wonder why we are all strangers.

You say love never fails
love covers a multitude of sins
love activates faith
without it all the glory, all the miracles in the world are meaningless.

So what do you expect of me, your daughter?
Not just to live my life to the full, not just to achieve all that I can.
But to do all this with love.
To do less things than this with love.

Always when given a choice.
My choice must always be to love.
I am your daughter.
You made me this way.

What if I can't?
You will still love me.

change in the air

i'm turning 40 this year. So it seems like a good time to assess who i am and what needs to change. I have lots of qualities which are less than admirable and I have to make an effort to change. So what do I need to change...well this is just what I can think of now:

my hubby gave me my 1st one:

I need to be less bossy or loosen up more!
I live with 3 men - hubby, son and brother. I feel like I play mother to all 3 not just little Caleb. I know that I'm alot more flexible then i use to be about keeping the house tidy. And I let mess slide otherwise I will go crazy telling the boys to tidy up after themselves. eg: my man has a habit of eating and leaving his plate on the bench...sometimes he will remember to pack it but other times he will leave it there over night. Or he will open a muesli bar and instead of putting the wrapper in the rubbish he will leave it on the bench. So I have to stop telling him what to do all the time and let him be messy and do things his way instead of telling him my way all the time.

I need to be more assertive and brave
I'm not brave about doing new things and I'm terrible with ringing up things or people. I need to get my licence and take control of my life. I procrastinate too much.

I need to build relationships with those closest to me and make time for my loved ones
I spend the majority of time with my man and caleb. But it might be a case of too much time so we don't value each other as much.

I need to get back to reading more!
I use to be an avid reader but these days I go through moments when I will read 3 books in a month and then read nothing for months on end!

I need to pay more attention to what's happening in the real world
I don't pay attention to any current affairs. It's terrible but it just seems to be the same old same old. It's not a good trait for a christian. I need to know what's happening in the world. So watching the news and reading my man's news website which has a broad range of current affairs.

I need to take better care of myself
I don't do enough pampering of myself and girlie things. I need to include this into my time. Plus my health and fitness.

Well that's it for now. Some of these things are small and easily rectified but the biggest thing for me is I need to loosen up. I'm such an overanalyser that I pass judgement on everything instead of just enjoying it. As I have gotten older it has become worse. I need to be more like my husband in some respect. No wonder the LORD placed him in my life. It's that horrid word again that I struggle with ACCEPT.

I use to be a lot more carefree and loved doing spur of the moment things. But now time is taken up by the routine of life and doing extra things seem to be too draining. With two kids I hope I find more energy and get back to being more inventive with my time.

That's a start.

I'm up late because I haven't felt baby kicking much today. So made myself a cup of tea, but of course I can't just sit on the couch and watch tv I have to be doing something.

She has been kicking and moving a lot lately so maybe she's just having a quiet day.

We still don't have a name for baby. Her middle name is Diana, after Myles' Mum. And her nickname is Gobbie. Poor girl. Her Aunty, Myles' sister, in her hunt for baby names came across some Irish name which sounds like Gobnet. And when you're talking about baby alot it's much easier for her to have name...so she was called Gobbie for short. Myles' family will probably keep that nickname for her even when we do find her a name. I might use it when she's misbehaving and needs to be put in her place :)

The cup of tea hasn't worked...might try a midnight snack!

caleb update

Sunday nite my son developed a high temperature. All day he was a bit tired and didn't eat as much as he normally does. So gave him panadols throughout the nite. But at about 5am he had a temperature of 39.4. So we zoomed off to emergency at our local hospital. Stayed there for a few hours trying to get a urine sample. But of course he had just had a wet nappy and didn't want anything else to drink. So the doctor told us to go home since he had no other symptoms. And in a couple of days take him to our family doctor for a check up.

So Monday nite he still had a temperature and about 3am tues morning it shot up to 39.8. We tried giving him nuorefen but he spewed it up. We were so worried we took him to emergency again. They checked him and basically sent us home. Just as we in the waitng room waiting for my brother to pick us up he spewed so we told the duty nurse and she kind of brushed us off saying he's a sick kid so spewing is normal.

They must have thought we were over cautious parents. But we are 1st time parents who are not use to their little boy being sick so yes we were worried. We've learnt now that a fever is not a bad thing and not to rush off to emergency :)

Today caleb is much better. still not eating as much but his temp is much better. hoooraaaay!!!

I kept thinking to myself. How do parents cope with their kids being sick - much worse than this. He's so small and can't communicate with us apart from the cry and call 'mum' all the time. Maybe it will be easier when he can tell us what hurts. I hope so!

house and home

found a place! We looked last weekend and applied for one place and found out this weekend that we were successful. Hooray!

The place met most of our requirements and all 3 of us liked it. My only worry was that it would be too far from the train station for Myles but he said it was fine. There is no more swimming pool so will have to take my nieces and nephews to public pools and beaches more. But its big enough for my cousin to hold his outdoor wedding reception if he chooses.

And added bonuses - it has two of my favourite trees - hibiscus and frangipani. Saw it again today and the backyard had lots of fallen frangipani flowers so of course I pictured me and my children collecting them all and filling the house with its scent. Especially the bathrooms - yip have two which is great when there are lots of people.

The rooms are a great size and have built ins, floor boards throughout the house except for the kids room which has a carpet that looks like it could cope with messy little ones :) That was an added bonus because floorboard can be cold in winter for little ones.

There are two fire places, not useable but great looking features and I have a window seat in the master bedroom. Plus air con in the living areas which will be great for our hot summers. The backyard is a great space for the kids, not too big, and very private. Plus great outdoor spaces for hanging out.

And its close to our church. What more can I ask for? Oh yes, i can see it being a very cosy home to raise little ones and for family gatherings. Thanks, LORD.

update

it's been a while. We're back in Sydney. Lots of things to organise...baby preparations, doctors, and house hunting.

I'm super tired, and caleb is super active, makes for a great combination :)

Myles is back at work but he played one volleyball game and sprained his ankle and fractured a bone in his foot. So we would both be house bound if it wasn't for my brother driving us to view houses, and doctors appointments.

I'm eager to move before it gets to close to my due date - June 29. Still no name for my little girl and i think we've brainstormed every girls name there is...well it feels that way. worked my way through a baby book...plus all myles' siblings many suggestions during our time in NZ.

That's all my news. My son is growing so much he's almost getting too heavy to carry around. He's learning so much at the moment. Mimicking words and actions. He's such a boy - he thinks everything is a drum. My back, the floor, pots, the table, chairs, etc.

Diana

My mother-in-law went to be with our LORD, Frid 7 March. It was a shock because it happened so quickly. But the way she went was a blessing - in her sleep peacefully.

She was an awesome kind-hearted woman who lived a full life. I am thankful that she was saved and believed in the LORD.

I am thankful for these blessings:

• Diana was able to return to England, where she was born, and visit her old home and her parents graves
• She was able to visit her son in England whom she hasn't seen in a few years.
• Diana visited her sister in Canada whom she hadn't seen in more than 30 years so that was really awesome.
• She was able to go on a cruise and visit Australia a few times to see her grandson and sons.
• She did a lot of travelling to places she had never been to before.

All these things she was able to do in the last few years since she retired. So she was so pleased that she had fulfilled these important milestones and felt she had lived a very full life.

I'm grateful for these blessings. Especially that she met Caleb and knew that the little one to come is going to be a girl with Diana as her middle name.

She is a great loss and we will miss her so much, and I want caleb to always know how wonderful his Gran was and how much she loved him.

To Faith and Lill, thanks so much for your prayers and awesome words of encouragement and faith. Your words really filled my spirit. Thanks so much.

we fly out tomorrow - to see myles' mum in new zealand. I am praying for lots of discernment because Myles' family is different from mine. So I want to be mindful of her independence but at the same time I want her to know it's ok to be emotional about all of this. That she doesn't have to put on a brave face for us.

I am hoping Caleb brings her lots of joy and laughter. That seeing her grandson will help her to choose life...to make the most of whatever time the LORD has given her. I am praying that it will be years and not just months.

Of course, I'm worrying about Myles too. He's so use to being strong and in control that I don't want to be a burden on him in any way. I don't want him to have to look after me and everyone else. It's a time he can be selfish and take care of whoever and whatever he thinks best. I'm praying the LORD will shower him with love and guidance as he steps into unknown territory for him and his family.

I guess this is like stepping into the dark for the first time holding the LORD's hand. He has no idea what's out there or what to expect. I pray he holds on tightly to the LORD and doesn't feel like he has to cope on his own.

I'm also wondering how caleb will cope with staying somewhere that's not his home, how will he sleep, will he be himself or too scared to relax...lots of unknowns.

ok, overwhelmed now...need to pray.

LORD
I'm so leaning on you right now. Your word is flooding me....we can do all things through you who strengthen us, if we draw near to you then you will draw near to us...cast all our cares on to you for you care for us...We need you LORD. We are not strong and we can't do this without you. Thoughts of losing my Dad are flooding me, and now I face another parent who is going through the same circumstances.

I know that you are with us. That greater are you who live in us then he who lives in this world. That you are our refuge. That no one can snatch us from your hands.

Fill us with your discernment LORD. The way you saw into the heart of whoever you talked to, so you knew what they needed. Help us to do this with myles' family. Fill us with your Spirit LORD, so our words are your words, so we can comfort those that need comfort and laugh with those who need laughter.

Help us to be their refuge in this storm. Help us to be a blessing to them.

And please help Myles and I to communicate with each other. Help me to help him LORD. To be his right hand in this time of need, to be Jesus to him - no pressure just lots of love.

Thank you LORD. You already know my heart's desire LORD. And I magnify your name which is above all names, Lord Jesus. You said we overcome by our testimony and your blood sarificed on that cross for us. My testimony is this - you are the Son of God, my Lord and Saviour and that all things are possible with you, that you are the same today as yesterday. That you heal the sick, bind up the broken-hearted, and set captives free. That you intercede on our behalf and turn our prayers into something beautiful. Thank you Lord. I ask all this in your mighty name. amene.

magnify the LORD

When I think of the worse things that have happened to me...and there are a few that have devastated me in different ways...worse fear, affected me for life, broken my heart, lost loved ones, emotional and physical pain, screwed with my mind...yet what do all these mean compared to the best thing that has ever happened to me....SAVED AND FORGIVEN, CREATED NEW.

If I was to weigh them on a scale would all the pain and hurt outweigh the joy of my salvation???

Even if I feel pain for the rest of my life here it will never outweigh being SAVED FOR ALL ETERNITY. I realised this today.

I am reminded of some of the words of amazing grace and Isaiah...I was lost but now I'm found, blind but now I see, given beauty for ashes, a captive set free, a prisoner released from darkness, a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. These all describe me, describe what it means to be saved.

I will magnify the LORD who is worthy to be praised. I am saved. I am saved. I am forgiven. I am forgiven.

My husband is saved. This is no small miracle. My husband was an atheist. He knew God existed for me, but not for him. Even if Jesus walked on water in front of him he would still disbelieve. It just didn't make sense to him. And now he believes. The impossible made possible.

He is saved. He is forgiven. Created new. He was blind but now he sees. Amazing grace.

The LORD loves us. The Maker of Heaven and Earth knows our names. He moved heaven and earth to save us. What is impossible for man is more than possible for our LORD.

I can't say: I am saved BUT it cost me everything. If I truly understand what it took to save me, transform me, then the cost is nothing in comparison. I am saved AND YES it cost me everything. It was worth it and more.

I can't live without the LORD. My sins are too overwhelming and my pride too great. My days of independence are long gone. Obedience is my choice. Why? Because I cost the LORD his life. It took everything to wipe away my sins.

It's easy to take it for granted because the LORD made it seem so easy to change me. But I didn't overcome my weaknesses, my sins. The LORD did. He removed them as far as the east is from the west. Why? Because he knew I couldn't do it. I would have drowned. This doesn't make me strong. The LORD is my strength. I can never take this for granted.

He restored my innocence and gave me a choice I thought I had already made...to choose life. Joshua's words I make my own:
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, (whether the idols in your life, the lust of this world, whatever you devote your time and energy to above the LORD) But as for me and my family, we will serve the LORD.