month of may

may is going to be a very emotional month for me.  My brother's birthday.  My brother died 10 days after his birthday.  My anniversary with my man.  Realised something about myself.  I will never be able to look at 16 may, when my brother died, as anything but sad.  I thought maybe one day because my sister and mum want to make it a special day.  But my Dad died 7 yrs ago and I still hate that day.

But his birthday.  I will always celebrate that day.  Next year is his 40th so will throw him a big bash :)

This year our anniversary, 20th years as a couple, was overshadowed by the focus on Rob.  1st birthday since he died, etc.  But I also realised that I want to make our anniversary something worth remembering and celebrating.

Don't know how all these mixed emotions will balance out...but next year i will do better.

judge me on this

live life to please the LORD not myself

love my beloved with all that i am

be inclusive not exclusive

unity is more important than being right

what can i do today to make the most of it?

if it doesn't bare fruit then why do it?

life is my practice ground 
to love God and to love others

my brother

i am missing my brother so much this week.  it's because his birthday is around the corner.  i asked the LORD last nite to help me to live without him.  I know he's already doing this, but sometimes i miss him so much i just can't bare the next moment.  I just have to wait for it to pass me by...that's when mindless tv is great.

Having a gathering this weekend which he would have loved.  Has a few of his favourite people but it's also the kind of gathering he likes...good food, good company, just chilling at someone's home for the afternoon.

When i do new things I keep thinking he's missing out.  It sometimes makes me not want to do them.  But I hope the LORD lets him share these moments with us.  And he's with the LORD...having amazing moments of his own.  I have to see it as me making the most of this life, making it more precious, treasuring and not wasting every moment because he would want nothing but good things to come from him leaving us.  He would want his niece and nephew to have the best lives.  Not a mum missing her brother so much that she can't even enjoy her own life.

I miss him but i am coping better with my feelings then months ago.  It's ok to miss him.

accept God loves me like Jesus

I don't really truly believe God loves me like his son...as his daughter.  If i did it would completely colour my world...everything i thought, believe, trust, know, all actions and attitudes.  Maybe that's what this short time on earth is about...learning how much God loves us.  Adam and Eve, didn't get it.  If they did then they wld know God wasn't holding out on them, but protecting them.  They wld have trusted him completely.

How can we be ONE with God if we don't fully accept his authority over our lives.  That he knows best.  Jesus may not have liked the pain ahead of him, but he still accepted God's authority...that God loved him and knew what was best.  Even though i know God is not Santa Claus I act as if he should be.  Instead of remembering who he is.  God is thinking of all humanity and as his kids so should we.  It will mean carrying our own crosses, accepting that when we suffer in this world, God is still in control and he will use it for my good.

All the crap that's happened in my life.  All the stuff that makes me scream, that shakes me to the core...latest being losing my brother...should make me lean more on my God. It has taught me that I need to change the way I view the world.  Change myself.  Grow up.  Wake up from my slumber.

I have moments when i realise this...like after a Hillsong conference when i said to the LORD whatever you want is fine with me...whatever you want....it gave the LORD permission to shake my marriage and save my husband.

Everything in my life should start with IF GOD LOVES ME then...

why me why not them??

here i sit on my computer in the comfort of my home while there are women out there living in unspeakable unimaginable circumstances, their lives stolen from them, no one to protect them or save them.
my children sleep in their beds, warm and safe on a cold night while there are other children out there who have never known safety or comfort, who have lost their childhoods, and live lives full of fear.

how can this be?  why do people like me let this happen?  why aren't we doing more than just making our own private worlds better?  why do we collect things we don't need when we cld save a life?

What will the LORD say to people like?  I need to do more. It will never be enough but doing nothing is not an option.  help one child, help another, do more, save more, spend the rest of your days saving as many as you can.