mum

there's something about my mum that just rubs me up the wrong way.  if i'm more like my dad then why can't i be like him and love mum for who she is?

everything i try doesn't work.  i don't know how to shut up.  it's very disrespectful and i don't know how to stop myself and walk away.  it's because she's always telling me what to do. which wld be ok if it wasn't small stuff that i learnt when i was 10 or if it didn't feel like i was under a microscope and she was watching my every move waiting to tell me what i shld have done, or how to do it, or do it better...it's that.  she drives me nuts and i just want to scream leave me alone and get the hell out of my face.  yip :) that's the truth of it.

so i don't respect her.  how do i fix that?  LORD can you help me pls.  things can't keep going on the way they are and i will not be able to live with her and I need to when she can't look after herself.  I don't want my mum in a home.  I love her and I miss her when she's not here, but a week is enough for me to wish she wasn't here.

when she nags me i need to let it go over my head.  I need to think of it as her trying to be a good mum, not her trying to take over my life.  There's just no privacy with her.  She wants to know everything and be involved in everything.  And i'm  a private person.  It's like a  serious clash of personalities.  I don't know how to love her.

Last time i balled my eyes out after a phone conversation with her  which just made me want to pull out all my hair.  I was crying and complaining to the LORD.  And he just put this thought in my head 'she needs more love than you do' and that made me cry more because I thought of how she lost my dad who adored her and spoilt her, her husband, lover and best friend.  She's living on her own, having to do more for herself then she has ever had to...trying to do life on her own.  I have everything.  hubby, children, lots of family, my brother living with us...she had no one.

I need to remember that even tho i am old she is still my mum.  she's not a friend or or my sister who i wld treat with more respect and who would respect me more.  I need to remember I am still her child.  She deserves my respect.  She use to change my nappies.  Get over myself and accept that she's a bossy, negative, judgemental, think she's always right kind of person.  Leave all that to the LORD and just give her the respect she deserves as my mother.

I need to have it written on my hand, somewhere in front of me so I can remember: YOU ARE STILL HER CHILD SHE DESERVES RESPECT.  Will try that next time i see her :)