I have a man who loves me so much he rushes home, barely has time to eat his lunch because he's trying to fit a job which requires 10 hrs into 8 hrs. Luckily for me, he's so good at his job and very rarely does he not cope.
Why am I writing this? Because the LORD just taught me an important 'NOT ABOUT ME' lesson. I wrote once that if I failed at everything but could pass on a legacy of God's love to our children then I could meet my Creator satisfied that I was a wife and a mother. Any other achievements would pale in comparison.....well tonight I failed at being a wife.
Of course, it's not the first time. But this wasn't one of those I forgot to do something for him or i hurt him moments. I forgot what the LORD's definition of WIFE is.
I have recently written a poem about my man and how much he means to me...yet tonight the LORD showed me what it means to walk in his shoes, to face his every day life worrying about me and how I will react to him if he should stuff up, or show any concern for himself over me.
I believe one of my gifts from the LORD is discernment. I can often cut through what people are saying and reach the heart of the matter. But when it comes to my man, I'm too busy focusing on me that i very rarely put myself in his shoes.
What I saw was a man trying his hardest to balance the many demands on his time and love. A man feeling like he can barely acknowledge even to himself that he is just hanging on to the edge of a cliff but even if he did just for a moment he would feel guilty and unjustified to even ask his wife for help.
It broke my heart and filled me with such compassion for him that I thought of many ways that I could help ease his burden within a few minutes.
The irony is I need him to share his feelings more. I need to know all this about him. But I make it so hard for him to share these things because he feels like he has to keep it together, because he can't afford to fail again.
But I love him and this has never changed. I don't want to be the cause of hurt or brokenness in him. He is my no. 1 practice ground for my purpose in life...to bind up the broken-hearted, to be his refuge in a storm. If I can't do it for the love of my life, then how can I do it for a stranger??
My work begins at home...otherwise I won't even be able to say to the LORD that I was a wife...his answer would be....' you call that a wife? Daughter, you never knew what that meant...definitely NOT what I meant BY 'WIFE'!!'
legacy of God's love....starts with God's no. 1 gift to me - my man.
Babe
if you read this public apology, then forgive me, and thank you for sharing your heart with me. I will do more to take better care of it. I love you and I know you are trying your best. Sometimes you succeed and sometimes you don't BUT I'm here to love you through both.
your wife
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Crisis : a learning curve?
With God..every day is a learning curve!
So much learnt yet so much more needs to be learnt!
the more he teaches me about himself the more i realise how crappy I am at being his daughter, his creation, his eyes and ears and hands...and funny enough, the more i know about these weaknesses the more i am encouraged that he has my destiny written on the palm of his hand and wont let me wander round too long in the wilderness because he wants me to get on with it...!
I am encouraged because he still knows me better than anyone else and Im all good!
Recently I have gone through some hard moments of betrayal,anger, and sadness...and like all humans I pointed the finger outwardly instead of inwardly...instead of saying "Lord what is wrong, what do i need to do,what do i need to change to prevent this from happening again..i instantly said Lord..." i hope they fall off the face of the earth" GOOOOOD CHRISTIAN :p
The Lord tested me with what i have always considered my worst fear..and i trembled and fell apart...but he didnt leave me there for long..he picked me up after my "ME" moment and reminded me of who my rock, refuge and fortress was.........HIM!!
Its through these moments of crisis that I got to see Gods face, feel his warmth and find confidence again.It turns out...my trust in him wasnt al that stable, my foundation wasnt all that solid and yes, i still havent surrendered over full control of my life to him.
So what now?? I have my moments of sadness...but hes already given me so much more in the space of 3 weeks that my moments are just that...moments!
One day...he will deliver me completely but for now...theres much i need to learn about my GOD and much much more i need to learn about myself in GOD!
"For he binds up the wounded and HEALS the brokenhearted" (thats in Psalms..cant remember the chapter :p)
So much learnt yet so much more needs to be learnt!
the more he teaches me about himself the more i realise how crappy I am at being his daughter, his creation, his eyes and ears and hands...and funny enough, the more i know about these weaknesses the more i am encouraged that he has my destiny written on the palm of his hand and wont let me wander round too long in the wilderness because he wants me to get on with it...!
I am encouraged because he still knows me better than anyone else and Im all good!
Recently I have gone through some hard moments of betrayal,anger, and sadness...and like all humans I pointed the finger outwardly instead of inwardly...instead of saying "Lord what is wrong, what do i need to do,what do i need to change to prevent this from happening again..i instantly said Lord..." i hope they fall off the face of the earth" GOOOOOD CHRISTIAN :p
The Lord tested me with what i have always considered my worst fear..and i trembled and fell apart...but he didnt leave me there for long..he picked me up after my "ME" moment and reminded me of who my rock, refuge and fortress was.........HIM!!
Its through these moments of crisis that I got to see Gods face, feel his warmth and find confidence again.It turns out...my trust in him wasnt al that stable, my foundation wasnt all that solid and yes, i still havent surrendered over full control of my life to him.
So what now?? I have my moments of sadness...but hes already given me so much more in the space of 3 weeks that my moments are just that...moments!
One day...he will deliver me completely but for now...theres much i need to learn about my GOD and much much more i need to learn about myself in GOD!
"For he binds up the wounded and HEALS the brokenhearted" (thats in Psalms..cant remember the chapter :p)
hillsong conference
the LORD's perfect timing again...I have been to Hillsong conference 4 times, 3 as a delegate. Each time it has been amazing for lots of different reasons. Last year I went and I heard some awesome messages, but for me, it felt like the conference was more about Myles - it was his first time.
Last year: Reinhard Bonnke's teaching stirred me to believe that if he can save millions in Africa then Australia was all in a day's work for the LORD. The Holy Spirit gripped my heart so much in his sessions that I wrote very little down but cried a lot. The LORD's love for the lost, the broken-hearted, to save his children filled me.
Joyce Meyer with her teachings convicted me as she spoke the truth about how we sometimes walk around with a 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign on us.
At the end of the conference, I had a sense that my conference days were over. That I was filled up with good teachings and had to get out there. The safety nets of christian church life were not for me.
So this year, being sick and preggy, was a completely new experience for me. I didn't make it to half the sessions including the last night. But I had no problems missing out because, like Myles, I had heard it all.
For me this year was more about hearing the heart of God's leaders in his body - his church. It was awesome because even though they had such big churches and huge success they had the LORD's heart - to save the lost, to help the poor, to not just preach but to build relationships even with their neighbours and people like Irene (my friend that died). That's my LORD's heart AND that's my heart.
I kept thinking of my life's purposes to be 'a refuge from the storm', to heal the broken-hearted and set the captives free, to give beauty for ashes... Isaiah 32 and 61...to help the outcasts, do all that the LORD will do to use me to remove poverty from Africa and make Jeremiah 29:11 true for all his children...blessed to be a blessing....this is my heart - a simple ordinary little christian in God's body. It was awesome to hear that the BIGWIGs in God's body have the same hearts. His message is the same for all.
It shows me how God does teach his family to be UNITED IN PURPOSE to do everything they can to save the lost and not just ACCEPT that they are the privileged few who can afford to live in comfort in their big churches and homes. They understand that they are not building a personal legacy, but God's legacy to span the generations to come. It's not enough for them to sit back and think they have accomplished great things, saved enough people and finished their race, securing their place in heaven.
If anything their hearts are even more certain of their christian purpose - they are blessed to be a blessing.
My man in his short christian life is already full to the brim of good teaching, already equiped to serve - if he didn't have all these resources at his disposal, it would have taken longer, but the LORD has given our generation no excuses to sit back and do nothing. He's equiping us faster and better than previous generations so that we can get out there and do his work - big and small.
This reminds me of one of Joyce's messages about how she equips us and sends us out, but some people are so full of teaching that it's overflowing out of them. They haven't realised that the season for learning is over and they need to actually go out and DO IT. Some of us are just collecting but not putting these teachings into practice in our every day lives.
I'm not doing hillsong next year as a delegate - I will go to some night rallies still. But that season is over - the LORD's perfect timing is that my man and I have reached the same conclusion in the same year. Another example of ONENESS - hoooraaaay!
Last year: Reinhard Bonnke's teaching stirred me to believe that if he can save millions in Africa then Australia was all in a day's work for the LORD. The Holy Spirit gripped my heart so much in his sessions that I wrote very little down but cried a lot. The LORD's love for the lost, the broken-hearted, to save his children filled me.
Joyce Meyer with her teachings convicted me as she spoke the truth about how we sometimes walk around with a 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign on us.
At the end of the conference, I had a sense that my conference days were over. That I was filled up with good teachings and had to get out there. The safety nets of christian church life were not for me.
So this year, being sick and preggy, was a completely new experience for me. I didn't make it to half the sessions including the last night. But I had no problems missing out because, like Myles, I had heard it all.
For me this year was more about hearing the heart of God's leaders in his body - his church. It was awesome because even though they had such big churches and huge success they had the LORD's heart - to save the lost, to help the poor, to not just preach but to build relationships even with their neighbours and people like Irene (my friend that died). That's my LORD's heart AND that's my heart.
I kept thinking of my life's purposes to be 'a refuge from the storm', to heal the broken-hearted and set the captives free, to give beauty for ashes... Isaiah 32 and 61...to help the outcasts, do all that the LORD will do to use me to remove poverty from Africa and make Jeremiah 29:11 true for all his children...blessed to be a blessing....this is my heart - a simple ordinary little christian in God's body. It was awesome to hear that the BIGWIGs in God's body have the same hearts. His message is the same for all.
It shows me how God does teach his family to be UNITED IN PURPOSE to do everything they can to save the lost and not just ACCEPT that they are the privileged few who can afford to live in comfort in their big churches and homes. They understand that they are not building a personal legacy, but God's legacy to span the generations to come. It's not enough for them to sit back and think they have accomplished great things, saved enough people and finished their race, securing their place in heaven.
If anything their hearts are even more certain of their christian purpose - they are blessed to be a blessing.
My man in his short christian life is already full to the brim of good teaching, already equiped to serve - if he didn't have all these resources at his disposal, it would have taken longer, but the LORD has given our generation no excuses to sit back and do nothing. He's equiping us faster and better than previous generations so that we can get out there and do his work - big and small.
This reminds me of one of Joyce's messages about how she equips us and sends us out, but some people are so full of teaching that it's overflowing out of them. They haven't realised that the season for learning is over and they need to actually go out and DO IT. Some of us are just collecting but not putting these teachings into practice in our every day lives.
I'm not doing hillsong next year as a delegate - I will go to some night rallies still. But that season is over - the LORD's perfect timing is that my man and I have reached the same conclusion in the same year. Another example of ONENESS - hoooraaaay!
Monday, July 10, 2006
hillsong conference challenged me
Spent the last week at the Hillsong Conference and it challenged me.
Sure it was long days, with convicting sermons etc.
What really challenged me was that I should spend less time at christian conferences but really seeking the lost, building on my visions/gifts, and using my time loving God and my neighbour.
I got sick of hearing similar stories about how to value people, how to tell them about Jesus, how to love the Lord. I know already!
I know I don't want to be a mature christian that doesn't actually do anything! I don't want to 'talk amongst ourselves and judge others'. I want to 'talk to others and judge ourselves'.
Sometimes I can be too judgemental of "mature christians" - cause I don't know what they do, what they are going through etc. I just hope I don't turn into what I perceive of some of them - stuck in a comforting, encouraging, validating christian world - and not out amongst the world!
Excuse me if this sounds like the rantings of a 5 minute christian.
Sure it was long days, with convicting sermons etc.
What really challenged me was that I should spend less time at christian conferences but really seeking the lost, building on my visions/gifts, and using my time loving God and my neighbour.
I got sick of hearing similar stories about how to value people, how to tell them about Jesus, how to love the Lord. I know already!
I know I don't want to be a mature christian that doesn't actually do anything! I don't want to 'talk amongst ourselves and judge others'. I want to 'talk to others and judge ourselves'.
Sometimes I can be too judgemental of "mature christians" - cause I don't know what they do, what they are going through etc. I just hope I don't turn into what I perceive of some of them - stuck in a comforting, encouraging, validating christian world - and not out amongst the world!
Excuse me if this sounds like the rantings of a 5 minute christian.
Monday, July 03, 2006
cold weekend
spent most of the weekend in bed with the cold. trying to squeeze in a doctors appointment today, registering our car, and a little bit of shopping (haven't shared that with my man yet)...all before Hillsong conference starts at 4:30pm.
Myles and I have hillsong all week - will be interesting to see if I last. I must be in for a great hillsong conference because Satan is trying to keep me home. The last time he succeeded I had to fly back to NZ for my Dad. He collapsed at home the day before and was taken to the hospital where they discovered he had cancer.
I have been looking forward to the conference because it's God's perfect timing to fill me with more of his word at a time when i need it the most. I feel like I'm making heaps of progress breaking through the strongholds in my mind. I know he's changing me from the inside out. The signs on the outside that i am changing are not that visible yet...only glimpses. But I know the LORD is working it out. I am filled with hope.
Myles and I have hillsong all week - will be interesting to see if I last. I must be in for a great hillsong conference because Satan is trying to keep me home. The last time he succeeded I had to fly back to NZ for my Dad. He collapsed at home the day before and was taken to the hospital where they discovered he had cancer.
I have been looking forward to the conference because it's God's perfect timing to fill me with more of his word at a time when i need it the most. I feel like I'm making heaps of progress breaking through the strongholds in my mind. I know he's changing me from the inside out. The signs on the outside that i am changing are not that visible yet...only glimpses. But I know the LORD is working it out. I am filled with hope.
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