sparkle

had a great day today.  church in the morning, followed by lunch with my little family, then movie with my girlfriend.  Some christians might find this scandalous but I actually like 'sex and the city', it's hilarious and sometimes surprisingly relevant to this girl's life.  And I get to escape into a life of fashion that I have no idea about...seriously the clothes they wear on that programme are nearly always beautiful.  Carrie's home wardrobe was enough to make me feel like I need to upgrade...and that was her scaled down :)

Plus i saw my 1st episode last year...and then watched every series ever made for the next few months on foxtel which showed episodes every night.  When my brother died I needed to laugh and the 1st episode I saw made me laugh so loud I had to watch more.  Of course, I fast forwarded the many sex scenes, thanks to my IQ box which let me watch recordings.

So that was the movie I saw today.  Apparently not great reviews.  But if you're fan it's still great fun and leaves you feeling like celebrating everything girlie...I want the green dress, nightie probably for Carrie, that she wears in the final scene :)

So she was worried her marriage was losing it's 'sparkle' and it made me think just how important that was in a marriage. I've been with my man for 20yrs and I can honestly say that my marriage has lost some of it's sparkle...and if you've seen the movie you will know I'm not talking about sex.  And I want more sparkle because to spend 50 years with one person is going to take more than just sharing every day life together of kids, meals, work, chores etc.  I love my husband but sparkle ...that's like something only lovers can share.

accept

accept accept accept accept.  what's wrong with this beautiful life i have...two wonderful children who fill my heart with love and hope...a husband who loves me...a beautiful home...family....a church to belong to....more than enough for a good life....then why is ACCEPT such a hard word for me????  Am I so greedy that this is not enough for me?  if it was taken away I would wish to have this time back when my life was so good.

My husband is making up my daughter's scooter.  A birthday present for her. my 3 yr old son saying 'dad, i have two wrenches like that'...i shld be with them enjoying this moment instead of here.

Song playing 'i'm trading my pain for the joy of the LORD. yes LORD, YES LORD YES YES LORD AMEN.

God cannot be more clear to me :) Yes, LORD

grief overwhelming

I see you in that room teaching us your final lessons.  I see you in that garden praying for us.  You spent your last moments of freedom thinking of us.  Help me to think of you.

mum

there's something about my mum that just rubs me up the wrong way.  if i'm more like my dad then why can't i be like him and love mum for who she is?

everything i try doesn't work.  i don't know how to shut up.  it's very disrespectful and i don't know how to stop myself and walk away.  it's because she's always telling me what to do. which wld be ok if it wasn't small stuff that i learnt when i was 10 or if it didn't feel like i was under a microscope and she was watching my every move waiting to tell me what i shld have done, or how to do it, or do it better...it's that.  she drives me nuts and i just want to scream leave me alone and get the hell out of my face.  yip :) that's the truth of it.

so i don't respect her.  how do i fix that?  LORD can you help me pls.  things can't keep going on the way they are and i will not be able to live with her and I need to when she can't look after herself.  I don't want my mum in a home.  I love her and I miss her when she's not here, but a week is enough for me to wish she wasn't here.

when she nags me i need to let it go over my head.  I need to think of it as her trying to be a good mum, not her trying to take over my life.  There's just no privacy with her.  She wants to know everything and be involved in everything.  And i'm  a private person.  It's like a  serious clash of personalities.  I don't know how to love her.

Last time i balled my eyes out after a phone conversation with her  which just made me want to pull out all my hair.  I was crying and complaining to the LORD.  And he just put this thought in my head 'she needs more love than you do' and that made me cry more because I thought of how she lost my dad who adored her and spoilt her, her husband, lover and best friend.  She's living on her own, having to do more for herself then she has ever had to...trying to do life on her own.  I have everything.  hubby, children, lots of family, my brother living with us...she had no one.

I need to remember that even tho i am old she is still my mum.  she's not a friend or or my sister who i wld treat with more respect and who would respect me more.  I need to remember I am still her child.  She deserves my respect.  She use to change my nappies.  Get over myself and accept that she's a bossy, negative, judgemental, think she's always right kind of person.  Leave all that to the LORD and just give her the respect she deserves as my mother.

I need to have it written on my hand, somewhere in front of me so I can remember: YOU ARE STILL HER CHILD SHE DESERVES RESPECT.  Will try that next time i see her :)

RECONCILIATION

current thoughts:
the LORD sacrificed himself to reconcile the world to him.  He didn't die just for us Christians but for all humanity.  He died for everyone so there would be a door from our world to his and whoever chooses to open that door will find him.  But still it's our choice to make.  He provided a way for us to come to him.  For sin to lose it's power over us full knowing that we couldn't do this ourselves.  He's so far beyond us that there was no way we could meet his standards once we made that choice to follow our own wills.  Nothing we can do to earn it.  We will never reach our potential in this world because we need him to guide us.  He made us and he knows us better than we know ourselves.  But he has given us the option of unlimited time to become all that we can be.

When we decided we knew best in Eden we took that option away.  But God loved us so much he let it happen knowing one day he would sacrifice his son, himself.  So that we would have another choice to death.   So what's time on this planet all about.  Why not just skip it and make the choice now...if you choose to be boss of your life...there's a line to hell.  If you choose to let God be boss...there's a line to heaven.  Why spend thousands of years, and countless lives  who have/are struggling in this world, or enjoying this world only to make that decision a moment later??   Why not end it after Jesus was resurrected?

Creation isn't finished...God hasn't finished creating.

So what do we do with the 0-100 odd years we get on this planet?  I say enjoy it.  So when we go to eternity we don't waste a moment of it having to learn what we should have already learnt, having to grow up...or be sent to kindergarten cos we wasted our days on this planet saying God is boss but not living it.  Living lives of duplicity.  I WANT TO BE ALL THAT I AM MEANT TO BE FOR THIS MOMENT IN TIME.  Not wishing I was more or pretending I am more, or thinking I'm less and wasting time feeling sorry for myself and living in the past or fighting the present.  Whoever i am at this moment in time is worth celebrating.  Becos the LORD made today for me, for you, for us.

Let's enjoy it please.

simplify

lots of thoughts lately...life changing...renewing mind...transforming thoughts.

sometimes i feel so very blessed.  when i'm looking at my children sleeping between me and my husband. my daughter holding on to her brother, snuggled into him and caleb snuggled into me.  my man's arm around them both.  why has the LORD given us so much and others so very little?  it's moments like that i can't thank him enough for letting us have children after trying for so long, and an entopic pregnancy.  Meanwhile their are children starving, families living on the street in this cold winter weather.  It just makes me want to do more.

i've decided i don't need all these material possessions.  what i need is a home for my kids, welcoming and safe for them both.  but i have too many things, lots of unnecessary clutter.  I want to find that balance of enough so my home doesn't feel sterile but without the collections. 

To simplify my life.  So that it's about the things i love and not everything else.  i love to travel.  i don't need lots of vases and candle holders and kitchen stuff, and linen, etc.  I'm planning to radically change my life.  Be healthy, enjoy the outdoors, and have a place to rest our heads and gather as a family.  Home should be simple.  So i'm going to go thru each room and purge.

But i realised i need things on the wall.  photos and paintings. And texture and plants.  It means making things more.  And not collecting stuff for one day.  But on that day when i need it, I can just get it.  But not before!

month of may

may is going to be a very emotional month for me.  My brother's birthday.  My brother died 10 days after his birthday.  My anniversary with my man.  Realised something about myself.  I will never be able to look at 16 may, when my brother died, as anything but sad.  I thought maybe one day because my sister and mum want to make it a special day.  But my Dad died 7 yrs ago and I still hate that day.

But his birthday.  I will always celebrate that day.  Next year is his 40th so will throw him a big bash :)

This year our anniversary, 20th years as a couple, was overshadowed by the focus on Rob.  1st birthday since he died, etc.  But I also realised that I want to make our anniversary something worth remembering and celebrating.

Don't know how all these mixed emotions will balance out...but next year i will do better.

judge me on this

live life to please the LORD not myself

love my beloved with all that i am

be inclusive not exclusive

unity is more important than being right

what can i do today to make the most of it?

if it doesn't bare fruit then why do it?

life is my practice ground 
to love God and to love others

my brother

i am missing my brother so much this week.  it's because his birthday is around the corner.  i asked the LORD last nite to help me to live without him.  I know he's already doing this, but sometimes i miss him so much i just can't bare the next moment.  I just have to wait for it to pass me by...that's when mindless tv is great.

Having a gathering this weekend which he would have loved.  Has a few of his favourite people but it's also the kind of gathering he likes...good food, good company, just chilling at someone's home for the afternoon.

When i do new things I keep thinking he's missing out.  It sometimes makes me not want to do them.  But I hope the LORD lets him share these moments with us.  And he's with the LORD...having amazing moments of his own.  I have to see it as me making the most of this life, making it more precious, treasuring and not wasting every moment because he would want nothing but good things to come from him leaving us.  He would want his niece and nephew to have the best lives.  Not a mum missing her brother so much that she can't even enjoy her own life.

I miss him but i am coping better with my feelings then months ago.  It's ok to miss him.

accept God loves me like Jesus

I don't really truly believe God loves me like his son...as his daughter.  If i did it would completely colour my world...everything i thought, believe, trust, know, all actions and attitudes.  Maybe that's what this short time on earth is about...learning how much God loves us.  Adam and Eve, didn't get it.  If they did then they wld know God wasn't holding out on them, but protecting them.  They wld have trusted him completely.

How can we be ONE with God if we don't fully accept his authority over our lives.  That he knows best.  Jesus may not have liked the pain ahead of him, but he still accepted God's authority...that God loved him and knew what was best.  Even though i know God is not Santa Claus I act as if he should be.  Instead of remembering who he is.  God is thinking of all humanity and as his kids so should we.  It will mean carrying our own crosses, accepting that when we suffer in this world, God is still in control and he will use it for my good.

All the crap that's happened in my life.  All the stuff that makes me scream, that shakes me to the core...latest being losing my brother...should make me lean more on my God. It has taught me that I need to change the way I view the world.  Change myself.  Grow up.  Wake up from my slumber.

I have moments when i realise this...like after a Hillsong conference when i said to the LORD whatever you want is fine with me...whatever you want....it gave the LORD permission to shake my marriage and save my husband.

Everything in my life should start with IF GOD LOVES ME then...

why me why not them??

here i sit on my computer in the comfort of my home while there are women out there living in unspeakable unimaginable circumstances, their lives stolen from them, no one to protect them or save them.
my children sleep in their beds, warm and safe on a cold night while there are other children out there who have never known safety or comfort, who have lost their childhoods, and live lives full of fear.

how can this be?  why do people like me let this happen?  why aren't we doing more than just making our own private worlds better?  why do we collect things we don't need when we cld save a life?

What will the LORD say to people like?  I need to do more. It will never be enough but doing nothing is not an option.  help one child, help another, do more, save more, spend the rest of your days saving as many as you can.

easter

i can't remember ever wondering what easter must be like in eternity.  now i do because my brother is there.  He would love it.  Whatever 'it' is for them.  I can imagine huge celebrations.  Maybe those who were not there on that 1st Good Friday get to see what it really was like 1st hand.  See the battles in our world and the spiritual world that Jesus had to wage as our Saviour.   I imagine my brother listening and watching intently so as not to miss any bit of this incredible story that we, as believers, have all made our own.  He loved history and he loved conspiracy and spiritual battles so I can imagine him loving Easter in eternity.

As for me.  I woke up early, and found myself in the kitchen singing the old rugged cross.  One of my Dad's favourite songs.  I can imagine him singing it in eternity with choirs filled of angels.  How much more meaning this must have for him now.

Me, I'm just grateful that I am saved.  That both my brother and father were saved.  That because of my Lord and Saviour I will meet them again.

tv addict

if the LORD is asking me to change then i really need to look at what is out of balance in my life.  I watch waaay too much tv.  In fact since my brother died it has become my new best friend.  Can i give up all the tv programmes I watch or limit it to just 2????  2 sounds soooo small.  Can i do that...I don't want to be out of balance the other way too :)  how about 1 hr a nite max....excluding the weekend.

Sounds a bit petty...why wld the LORD ask me to give up tv??  Becos it's not meant to be my best friend.  Becos it replaces having an intimate relationship with anyone.  I cld be doing something else more fulfilling.  Becos I need to prove it has no hold on me.  Addictions are not good.  It opens a door to Satan becos instead of living the lives we are meant to be living, we are being side tracked by the petty and unimportant.

Giving up tv sounds easy but can I do it???  This is the small thing...exercise and health is the big deal in my life :)

what's going on???

My best friend's dad died tonight  One of my close family members is having his 3rd major operation tomorrow in less than a week because he has blood clots in his kidneys and bowels from some rare disease i can't pronounce.  My brother-in-law is in a psychiatric ward facing the possibility of electric shock treatment.  Sounds like a bad movie plot.  All this on top of a year of coping with losing my own brother.

Life in my part of the world has permanently changed.  I have gone from living a fairly safe life to having to face the loss of a close family member nearly every year around the same time for the last 6 years.  Is this happening in other people's lives?  It feels like something has changed in the spiritual world.  It feels like the LORD is asking more of us these days...for those who believe to step up and obey....we need to change, change, change...and get about our Father's business.  The times they are a changing.

colour

i went to the colour conference for the 1st time in years.  It was as inspiring as i remember.  But more importantly it was moving forward.  Conferences are almost for newbies cos they are about motivating us.  So colour has lots of girlie stuff, gifts, pampering, etc.  But it has more of a plan now on how we can as God's girls impact our world.  Very real causes that we can as one army of prayering warrior women put our hands to.  See the progress, expect more, pray for more, and change lives of those less privileged then us.  It's like we are really getting it...that God's heart is our heart.

I love Bobbie Houston.  She is compelled to act on whatever the LORD lays on her heart.  She has all these resources but they all mean nothing if it wasn't for God's spirit working in her.  He blesses the fruit of her hand and motivates women at these conferences to act with her.  To help stop trafficking of women and children, to fight for God's children stuck in poverty and affiction, to make Jer 29:11 true for more than just herself but for neighbours.  And she unites us all to do the same.

For me, unity is the key.  Imagine if we didn't just meet together but ACTED together.  As God's army taking back what belongs to him.   John 17 was life transforming for me. It's when Jesus prayed for us.  Here he was about to die but he prayed for us - it was more important to him to say these words to be recorded and passed down from one generation to another! He needed us know we must unite as ONE.

My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me.  (John 17:20,21)

times they are a changin

i am thinking of giving my blog a new name.  so much has changed since we 1st started this blog and now it's like my own baby.  Change seems to be where i am at.  So might change everything.  last post as not about us.  time to update.

out of the dark...

i think it's time to start blogging again.  Only because I have so much i want to write and looking back on this blog has shown me where the LORD has shown up in my life in the last few years.  My memory is so bad these days that this is a good thing :)

My brother dying has rocked my world and my faith.  It has shown me that I have a lot of changing to do.  His death was a slap in the face for me, a wake up call.  There is no time like the present to change because life is short.  I took it for granted that Rob would be around forever and now he's gone.

As a christian I am a foreigner in this world.  I'm a traveller, an explorer, at heart, so this fits in with my personal view of the world.  Some girls dream of a career, of finding the love of their lives, of being married, etc.  But for me a job was my means to being able to travel.  I just wanted to see as much of this world as possible before my time was up.  I am just blessed to have found the love of my life as well.

Life is a holiday.  To be enjoyed, to be challenged, to take risks, to laugh, to love, etc.  Eternity is our reality, when we get to go home. I need to make the most of this life.  And I know I'm not.  I'm cruising but not like the kind with ocean views.  More like stuck in the depth of the ship with no windows.  Every day matters to the LORD. And it should matter to me.  I have more than enough but i'm not making the most of this life the LORD has blessed me with.  I have got to stop accepting what this world dishes me like it's all i have to choose from.  It's so not true.  Why do i have so much???  Not to swindle it away and hand this over to my children.

LIFE IS PRECIOUS.  DID JESUS WASTE HIS 30 SOMETHING YEARS BEING A CARPENTER'S SON OR DID HE PREPARE FOR HIS MINISTRY, FOR HIS DEATH?

I thought i was eternity focused before...losing my brother has made me more so. 

accept, balance, simplify...3 words from the LORD for me.  I get the feeling I'm going to take these words to my grave, to eternity because my life doesn't end at the grave.  Thanks to Jesus.