40 yr old turning 5

LORD
who am I, who did you want me to be?
Am i anywhere near being that person?
Or did i turn right instead of left?

How close am i really to you?
How close was i meant to be?
i am 40yrs old and I have to wonder...have i come a long way?
What was i meant to achieve by this age?

I hope and pray that my relationship with my only living biological parent doesn't reflect my relationship with you. From her point of view i don't listen, i'm full of myself and i need to be told what to do every 5mins like a 5 yr old...oh great, that is how i am with you!

Please redeem the rest of my yrs so i can catch up...at least let me grow up faster with what's left of this year...so i can at least be 10 at the end of it. I will try to listen more, and be more humble.

I love you LORD with all that's worth from my heart to yours.

sunshine

it's such a beautiful day today in Sydney. I have the cold and so do my children. yes again. But who cares about that when the sun is shining and i can see beautiful white camelias outside my window.

I had a party for the 3 new little ones in our family. There was about 40 or more people. Was worth it to see all my cousins enjoying themselves. And it was a beautiful warm sunny day too. So at least i enjoyed myself and did something worthwhile when i caught the cold this time around.

I was a bit depressed the other nite when i saw my kids with runny noses knowing full well they caught it from me...sad one. But as my man says that's life.

Been thinking about lots of things lately - kids, last moments, where to from here, what do i desperately want to achieve, etc. And also the usual mother type things like...how to get my son to stop overeating grapes once he starts (he doesn't know when to say when...and just keeps asking for more!)

I'm on the computer, while my son is screaming 'go!' as he watches a rugby league semi-final with his Dad. He's getting very good at mimicking us. Having a quiet nite in. My little girl is fast asleep and my Mum is busy knitting. life keeps rolling on.

caleb moment

my son is developing quite a personality. Yesterday he found a hammer as I was sorting out the toolbox. Today he was walking around calling to it 'hammer, where are u? hammer'. He does that a lot...as if the thing he's looking for will answer him back OR it will get mummy's attention and miraculously she produces it in front of his very eyes :)

change

I'm letting people get to me emotionally. And since being preggys with two babies I have noticed the physical effect this is having on me. I can actually feel my stress levels rising...my body and face esp tense up. My head hurts from it and I can't cope.

Quite sad really. But it made me realise something. I know the LORD has harped on to me about this for years now and I have changed a lot but it's like something negative is creeping back into my life and I can't stand that! I have to snap out of it before it becomes a stronghold for Satan.

Anyways what i realised yet again is - i can't control anything except ME. The choices I make, how i chose to spend my day, focus on, enjoy...these are all mine to make the most of. Yesterday, was feeling very overwhelmed because I was expecting to have a nice day. My mum was staying at my brother's place so I had this free day to do what I needed to do.

So lots of washing planned - something I enjoy doing when it's on my own timetable. Plus wanted to sort my porch area - was given an outdoor table and chairs set for birthdays (mine and myles). Then was going to watch my cousins in their grand final for rugby league. Hang out with family there and have a laugh as we all cheer them on.

But my morning proved stressful. And the day was looking gloomy so not good washing weather and I couldn't take kids out in that weather. And someone who shall remain nameless upset me all morning. I won't get into details becos will be too obvious who it is.

I could feel myself losing control...my body was tense and I was about to have a huge hissy fit. And then i thought - why am I letting this person upset me? They are doing what they want. Why am I busting my gut trying to do things that benefit everyone when they're just looking after themselves?

That's when I remembered that important God lesson of mine. I can't change anything but ME. Do what I want to do...and enjoy the day the LORD has given me. So decided to leave kids with hubby and go out with my cousins. Since it's only the 2nd time I've been without them for a few hours...I can have some ME time.

And it was heaps of fun. Laughed and cheered till my voice was croaky. And they won!

And today I'm continuing with doing what I want...day is glorious and washing is drying, babies are asleep and I am going to have a cup of tea and flick thru my house mag on my tidied porch in the sun :) God is good.

hooray

everyone recovering and on the mend. Just as well because I am close to curling up in bed for a week and never getting up. But once my man is back on the mend, can help more with children and working out routines.

Plus organising a huge family gathering for the 3 newborns in my family - my cousins had beautiful girls too so having a party on the 20th. Going away hopefully for a few days the weekend before this. So life is still busy but these two things should be enjoyable.

Once everyone is better I think I'm going to do a dance for joy...i wonder what that would look like???