baby brain

according to my baby books and antenatal classes, women become forgetful and lose a few brain cells when they become preggy...unfortunately these don't return once baby is born.

my baby brain experience = my mouth runs the 100m sprint while my brain runs 10k marathon over mountainous terrain at very high alttitude.

this is very unusual for me because as a rule I always think before I speak, I even say little prayers when people are speaking to me along the lines of 'LORD, please speak through me. Help me to see their heart, to walk in their shoes'. Most of the time this works :-)

But now I say things before my brain has even had the chance to wake up and yawn....so I find myself stuck in mid sentence because I've forgotten what I was trying to say. In the first few months I would try to use my powers of recall and work it out. But now I just give up. My favourite phrase these days: 'I forgot what I was trying to say...oh well' and I move on. Why fight it?

I forget people's names...this wouldn't be so bad if they were people I barely knew. I end up saying 'you know what's her name' and people look at me like 'you don't remember your niece's name?'. Yes, I forget names of people I love dearly.

Perhaps it's a master ploy on the LORD's part - to prepare us for the hours of painful labour....the moment we hold baby in our arms we forget just how much it hurt us to push that little alien out.

symbols

it's looking like baby's name is going to be Caleb - today is D day. Only hitch came on Sunday when myles went to church and found that one of the church couples had a grandson called Caleb - he was born this month. They live in NSW country but still it rained on our parade a bit.

I am 5 weeks and 1 day closer to baby being born. I am still hoping and praying he is born 5 Dec if that fits in with God's will for baby. It would make him a day ahead of schedule so shouldn't be too complicated for the LORD to arrange :-)

I was packing my hospital bag last night and thought of my Dad. Taking his dressing gown with me - what do Aussie's call that? a robe??. Will wear it when baby is born, and I've tidied myself up after a long painful labour (preparing myself for the worse), when my family flood in to see how much of a monkey baby looks like.

That dressing gown is symbolic of my Dad's last months. I remember walking the corridors of Wellington hospital with him that 1st month he was diagnosed with cancer. I stayed in the hospital with him and that was all he wore - his pjs and that dressing gown. He wouldn't leave his bed without putting it on - he had to look respectable.

Whenever it was washed, it had to be returned to him that same day. Now I have it. Taking it to hospital will be like having a physical symbol of my Dad with me. I would rather have him next to me, but the LORD's will was to have Dad with him instead.

I doubt very much the LORD lets our loved ones see our lives once they are with him. They're too busy enjoying eternity. But if he gave me a choice as to which moments left in my life I would want to share with my Dad, then seeing me holding baby with my family around us would be one of those moments.

I would say 'here's your grandson Dad' and I can just imagine his beaming smile and tears...yip, my Dad would have tears of joy.

zoooom in.....what do you see?

This is a link to Google Maps

ACCEPT ACCEPT ACCEPT

sometime ago in the life of this blog the LORD gave me three words ACCEPT, BALANCE and SIMPLIFY. These were three areas I needed to work on and I think I have made tons of progress in two of these, but not anywhere near enough when it comes to ACCEPT.

In fact when I have tried to recall these 3 words I nearly always forget ACCEPT. I remember the other two fine. Why is that?

Because in the last 4 years of my life he has asked me to ACCEPT lots of huge life changing events. The last 2 years have been hardest.

To ACCEPT things are out of my hands, out of my control...sad, hurtful, betrayal, heart-breaking and soul destroying events. Why does he want me to just ACCEPT these things? Because he wants me to TRUST HIM COMPLETELY. TO TRUST THAT HE KNOWS BEST. TO TRUST THAT BREAKING MY HEART NOW WILL BENEFIT ME AND MY LOVED ONES FOR ETERNITY.

That seriously sux. I have this constant battlefield between my MIND and my SPIRIT. My spirit gets the LORD's plans, and knows that if I just ACCEPT then I can move forward into the kind of future that only the LORD can dream up.

But my MIND can't get past the heart-break. It refuses to let go of the last 4 years of my life. It keeps saying if you ACCEPT then you are running the risk of having your heart broken for good next time. You need to protect yourself.

I know Satan is having a field day with my thoughts. But it seems so logical. To not listen would be to act like a door mat, a stupid woman who never learns but goes back for more.

Yet the LORD has blessed me during this time. He made Romans 8:28 a reality for me over and over again - And we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

ALL THINGS meaning good and bad.

Out of heartbreak and sadness he saved my husband and I am about to have a child. These are not small prayers he has answered. But 14 years and 5 years worth of praying. Miracles.

Yet I still battle with this area. I wonder how long it's going to take me to press through???

• I have to ACCEPT that when things are OUT OF CONTROL he is in CONTROL.
• I have to ACCEPT that when there is MISTRUST he is always TRUSTWORTHY.
• I have to ACCEPT that when there is UNFAITHFULNESS he is always FAITHFUL.
• I have to ACCEPT that when I am being sacrificed he is making me more like his son, my Saviour, and not a door mat.

These are not easy things for me to accept because I am a strong independent woman. The last 4 years has stolen so much from me personally. Yet the LORD's message remains the same ACCEPT.

baby names countdown

Myles and I still haven't decided on a baby name. We're having a boy so you would think that only gives us half the names in the world to choose from. But we have six weeks to go and we are still unsure.

So I have given us till the end of Oct to come up with a name.

We obviously need help....especially when my man and other family members come up with suggestions like Elvis, Jet Li, Van Helsink, Judas etc.

Names are important, especially to the LORD, but even if we give our little one a name without meaning, we still have to think about possible nicknames which might scar him for life.

So if you're visiting our website, and you read this post, then please feel free to contribute to our baby's name.

BIG or small THE LORD ANSWERS

today I looked up an old post of mine . Claire was looking for a christian book about getting out of the boat. It reminded me of a message the LORD gave me about Peter walking on water http://notaboutus.blogspot.com/2006/02/walking-on-water.html

So this morning I looked it up and after reading it I said to the LORD that was a great message from him and I would love it if someone actually read it. Tonight I checked our stats and I had a reply from the LORD.

Someone in Germany searched for a very unlikely combination of my name and Peter. It gave him my post of walking on water. It never ceases to amaze me when the LORD does this...no matter how many times he does it!!!!

The other bizarre fact is this person's search also found a pastor with my name as his last name in my home village in Samoa. How freaky is that?! The world is not so big that even a tiny little village in a tiny little country can be found by someone on the other side of the world. But not just any village - the village where my family is from, where I lived as a child.

The LORD knows me too well. He knew I would enjoy this. It lets me know just how well he knows me. Someone actually looked up that post. It's like the LORD taking time out of his busy schedule of saving lives just to answer one of his daughters little requests. And I know he does this every day for all his children - just little things to let them know they are special to him.

I don't even know if this person was searching for my post or some other bizzarre combination - my name is not very common. I don't even know if this person received it well or didn't like what I wrote. But what really matters to me is the LORD answering me and showing me, yet again, that he is very much a part of my every day life. Very relevant and ever present!

I talked to him today and he answered me today.

When it pours HE reigns!!

I havent been on this for soooooooooo long i actually forgot my password and forgot how to create a post!!!! :p:p

Its been a drought for so long where i am, spiritually i mean, actually i think it was more financialy than spiritually. WOW...what a journey but i made it...from leaving work, to being without work for 6 months, to not goin to church, to not having my connect group anymore, to totally not goin to church or even speaking to anyone from church, to nights alone cryin on my bed, to more nights and days of cryin on my bed, to asking for help, to cryin again, and again..to THIS!!!!!

There were times when i wanted to put on my wings (the ones the lord tookaway when he planted my roots and showed me what committments were) and just.....FLY AWAY!! leave it all behind and just go....but i couldnt, i wouldnt, and i didnt...he taught me too much to give up!

what a battle its been....if i could only tell you all about it..but i start work tomorrow, a role that i know nothing about but wanted to do, after so many rejections and knockbacks, i got it!

and perhaps ill get to share my story again when i visit...but ill leave with one verse that was always on my mind " do not be afraid, be strong and courageous for I am the Lord your God and I will NEVER leave you nor FORSAKE you"

When you are unemployed, have no money, and living off the bare minimum, you tend to get easily discouraged, feel rejected by God and even go through the pain of feeling like hes punishing you for your past sins (the ones he said hes forgiven you for and remembers them no more??) yeah those ones...you cut off ties with frenz and even loose the courage to face family..next thing you know youre in a world of your own..for me it wad Planet Zella, Population 1......i wont say DONT do that coz its gonna happen and youre gonna feel like youre worth nothing, you will swallow your pride and ask for help and then feel ashamed for it everytime you see those people that helped you...yes!! Satan did dome to steal, kill and destroy, but our Lord said "whomever the son sets free is FREE indeed"

and a looooong time ago i received my conviction for freedom...and with it came the HOPE that never failed me..not once...!
so i cried at night but in the morning i was ready to battle it out again...the lord disciplined me big time...but he did not forsake me!

when it POURED on me and i was drowning....HE REIGNED over all my circumstances and filled me with hope day after day...when i trusted he directed my every step...when i doubted his love he remined me of the first time i realised it...when i cried he gave me every reason to cheer up...when i felt like giving up he quickened my spirit to remember who I was!!

for the struggling unemployed person out there....remember what the Lord has taught you in your journey, never give up the hope you found,never forget his plans for you and he will come to your rescue...just like he did for me!

count down

6 days 6 weeks to go.......aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

I can't believe I'm almost there. I have been carrying around this little alien for 33 weeks :-)

I am completely prepared for lots and lots of pain. But secretly I'm praying for a small child so it wont hurt so much. But if he ends up being huge then I will just have to scream even louder.

It's weird I'm not someone who lets people know that I'm in pain or struggling. I'm generally quiet and my beloved is the only one who knows I'm upset or in pain.

But I have no illusions about having a child - I wont be hiding anything.

Remember who I am says the LORD

GOD'S poetic answer to Job (a man who knew what suffering and loss was all about):

Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.

Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?

On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone- while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?

"Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; here is where your proud waves halt'?

"Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place, that it might take the earth by the edges and shake the wicked out of it?

The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; its features stand out like those of a garment. The wicked are denied their light, and their upraised arm is broken.

"Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep? Have the gates of death been shown to you? Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death?

Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this. "What is the way to the abode of light? And where does darkness reside? Can you take them to their places? Do you know the paths to their dwellings? Surely you know, for you were already born! You have lived so many years!

"Have you entered the storehouses of the snow or seen the storehouses of the hail, which I reserve for times of trouble, for days of war and battle?

What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed, or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?

Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm, to water a land where no man lives, a desert with no one in it, to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass?

Does the rain have a father? Who fathers the drops of dew? From whose womb comes the ice? Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens when the waters become hard as stone, when the surface of the deep is frozen?

"Can you bind the beautiful Pleiades? Can you loose the cords of Orion? Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons or lead out the Bear with its cubs?

Do you know the laws of the heavens? Can you set up God's dominion over the earth? "Can you raise your voice to the clouds and cover yourself with a flood of water?

Do you send the lightning bolts on their way? Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?

Who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind?...................

Job 38:4-36

future thoughts

DO I WANT THE FUTURE THE LORD HAS PLANNED FOR ME?

Or is it just too hard?

HE SAID "TRUST IN ME WITH ALL YOUR HEART AND DON'T LEAN ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING."

THEN HE WILL MAKE MY PATHS STRAIGHT.

Can I trust him with ALL my heart?

Or do I know better than the LORD what is right for me?

plans to prosper you

when you're going through a storm, around a mountain several times....anything that leaves you feeling like the LORD has abandoned you. It's very easy to wonder if the LORD's plans are actually making any progress.

It's very easy to forget the LORD's plans. Especially if you spend months or years struggling and getting further away from the vision the LORD gave you.

What happened to that dream?? What happened to that vision and passion to be full on for the LORD? Something about preparing for eternity??

It was easy when life was easy, but when it became hard and the LORD took away your security blankets and your safe lives...did you still trust him?

That's the LORD. You are his child that he lifted up on his shoulders and showed you wonders far away that you wouldn't be able to see standing on the ground. But instead of throwing you into the air so you could grasp these wonders immediately - he puts you back on the ground. And you are still a child and the only way you can grasp those wonders is to grow up. This can take years or months depending on how fast you learn life's lessons.

plans to prosper PART II

What does this mean for me? I forget that whatever I'm going through is nothing compared to the future the LORD has planned. I forget the vision the LORD once showed me. I forget his passion is so much greater than mine. I get bogged down in the moment and I can't see the bigger picture because my emotions get the better of me.

The more I get bogged down the further I move away from the future he plans for me. The longer it takes for me to get out of the desert.

Do I want the plans he has for me? Do I want to live a life beyond any of my dreams, be so passionate that I can stand by my LORD for all of eternity? Do I want to know what the LORD meant when he said I could be ONE with my man?

OR do I want to settle for whatever Satan has planned and live a mediocre life? Something safe so Satan doesn't have to worry about me doing anything amazing. It will still be enjoyable and I wont have to worry about learning anything if I don't want to.

If only the LORD would leave it at that, abandon me instead of reminding me of his vision for my future every now and then so I don't give up. HIS REAL PURPOSE IS TO KICK ME IN THE BUTT AND TELL ME IF I WANT THAT FUTURE THEN I HAVE TO PRESS THROUGH AND BE OBEDIENT. NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO SHRINK BACK OR SET UP CAMP - NOW IS THE TIME TO RUN LIKE CRAZY AND SHAKE OFF ALL SATANS TRAPS.

In real life it looks something like this:
Satan tells me lies by putting thoughts in my head - eg: live today don't worry about tomorrow, enjoy yourself now.....................why try it's too hard nothing is going to change.....................God will sacrifice you because he doesn't care about you.............you're not good enough, strong enough, worthy enough, so you might as well just give up.........................what about you? you deserve to enjoy your life?

BUT THE LORD TELLS ME:
Remember your dream? Remember who I am? Remember who you are?
You are my daughter and I formed you in your mother's womb.
I saved you, gave you a new beginning, and I will always love you.
My plans are to prosper you not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future.

That future is eternal.
Choose me again and again. Choose life.
Satan wants to steal, kill and destroy you. I want to give you life in abundance, to the full.
I am in complete control, trust me.
I am able to do immeasurably more than all you can ask or imagine, according to my power that is at work within you.
I am your refuge in a storm. Stop working against me!
Draw closer to me and I will draw close to you. Seek me with all your heart and you will find me.
The battle belongs to me - don't do it alone.

some things change some remain the same

it's been a year since we started this blog. A year of our lives' thoughts and reflections. A year of our relationship with the LORD and others. So much has changed including ourselves.

Myles is in NZ visiting his Dad. It's weird when I travel on planes I don't think twice about it but my man travels on a plane and I suddenly get all paranoid about terrorist attacks. I was relieved to hear he made it safely. (Thanks, LORD).

We've been together 16 years and we still miss each other terribly when we're apart. I feel like a part of me is missing and I smile and laugh but on the inside I'm counting down the days until he returns.

Our marriage in the last few years has been a rocky ride but this is still true for me - he is my greatest gift from the LORD.

marathon last few days

We had a family wedding on Saturday. My Mum arrived from NZ on Wednesday. Thursday we went shopping for 5 hrs with with my sister-in-law, niece and nephew. Very full on. Friday shopping for about 4 hours with my Mum then a family dinner. Sat wedding ceremony then kids and family came over to swim in the pool, packed them off, went to wedding reception. I didn't sit down or rest that day.

Sunday I woke up completely exhausted and could not drag myself out of bed! Something tells me I completely over did it! I was tired Friday nite, but Sat nite the wedding was so much fun I must have been running on adrenalin. Honestly, I forget I'm almost 32 weeks preggy.

I went from doing nothing to doing too much!! I felt like I was recovering from a hangover yesterday and I didn't have a drop!

So all I did Sunday was sleep, sit, put my feet up, had a bath. I woke up today feeling better, but still very tired...like I could sleep the day away. So after this it's back to bed with a book. Might go out for coffee later with a cousin, but haven't planned it yet because I'm wondering if I will have the energy!

Hard to Come Back

I have not been to church for so long and now I finding it hard to come back. Its not that I don't believe in God, I just keep finding excuses to not come back. But I think its time to stop being lazy and get back to God. I'm noticing I'm not as strong a person as I used to be and that is because I'm relying more on this world then I am on the Lord. I'm starting to feel that emptyness again. Its time to start doing instead of just talking about it.

my life purpose: save the logical

I have a favourite song which goes:

Maybe Lord
I can show someone else
What I have been through myself
On my way back to you.

And it popped into my head a couple of weeks ago that the purpose God has given me is:

SAVE THE LOGICAL: the emotionless, analytical information gatherers

That's who I am. That's what I have been through.

Yet through this I have found God. And now God has given me the experience and the mind to relate to the logical. Geek to geek. Vulcan to vulcan.

footnote: so I am going to blog some logical things I have learnt...so i can start gathering my thought.

God's Billboards

why i love Jesus

value the un-valued

I blogged recently on 'honour the un-honourable' about my dad.  And I am about to see him next week!  All part of God's plan for me to build a relationship with him.

What I have also learnt recently is to value the un-valued.

I have had times in my life when I have been very valued by the world.  And recent times when I have not been.  Believe it or not I was quite a cool kid at school.  Other kids weren't.  I have always kinda been valued by people at work.

What the Lord has really done is opened my eyes to value those that other people don't value. 

Sadly, this has been shown up in the church area of my life...where it is easy to value those that are perceived to have value (like me).  Whereas the real untapped value is those that don't seem to have any value - yet I know that the Lord is busily pointing to us and yelling "those people...over there....use them!!"

baby shopping

we have had one of those crazy weekends of shopping. My baby shopping list is so long that it's taken us the last couple of months to finally buy everything. There are so many little things and big things...when baby turns 6 mths, there's more to buy.

I still have little things to buy but i can do these at a leisurely pace now.

We had to buy the strangest things...a hose connector for our taps so we could fill in baby's bath from the basin rather than our very low bath tub. We bought a strong comfy armchair for our room so when I'm feeding at night I don't disturb myles by sitting on the bed, or disturb baby by taking him into the lounge and making him all alert so he won't go back to sleep.

Myles had a bit of fun yesterday though - we bought a video camera which cost us a bundle but hopefully will last us years. He was busy playing with it last nite - taking close up's of his fat wife and her huge tummy.

We are so privileged....we can afford to buy everything baby needs and things we would like. It's true we have baby savings and I always try to buy a bargain without sacrificing quality. So my baby has cheapo cute clothes but an expensive car seat because it met all my and australia's safety standards. Plus it had extra features I liked. Even then we went to a few baby shops to find the best price and finally found it on sale in the weekend. But we're very blessed. Lots of mums out there must struggle to buy the bare necessities even in a wealthy country like Australia.

With privilege comes responsibility...I owe it to the LORD to be a blessing because I am so very blessed.

I can imagine how different a shopping list would look like for a mum in Australia compared to a mum in the Pacific Islands or Asia, or India or Africa...a car seat would be completely unnecessary in some of these countries, let alone an armchair.

It's easy to get sucked in and think everything that's expensive must be the best quality but it's not necessarily true. So I spent heaps of time researching products. Take prams and strollers. There are so many out there, very trendy and very expensive. But I looked up the consumer website and found one of their best buys was only $250 compared to $600 for top of the range prams.

MY ADVICE TO MUMS:
decide what will suit your lifestyle and your budget. Then do lots of research on the internet and window shop before making those final big purchases.

I'm glad it's finally all done. I'm almost 31 weeks so only have 9 more to go if baby comes on time.

I have been praying one of those impossible prayers - that baby is born on a certain date. At the moment he is due 6 Dec, but I'm praying for 5 Dec. That's my Dad's birthday. I know the chances are very slim...but if anyone can arrange it, it's the LORD. All I can do is ask and wait to see if it fits in with his plans....please let it fit in with your plans, LORD :-)