my personal testimony - how I came to believe in jesus

I was a winner. I leant on my own understanding and people saw me winning.
I was too analytical to be a 'christian'. I had my own strength. My own wisdom.
I was successful. Proud.
I thought I had christian values. I did things (so people thought I was great) for my own self-gratification.

I reached a point in my life where I had no where else to turn.
"I" was no longer an option.

I love the wisdom in the bible.
I realised how shallow I had really been.

I am now more confident. More wise (and more aware of how unwise I am).
I am more satisfied in my successes (whether the world sees them as successes is another question).
I have more direction when I am lost. And when I am successful.

Jesus is the centre of my life. The centre of my analytical frameworks. As best I can.

this is my 'remove myself from the world' prayer

Lord, can I remove myself from the world. Please.
It's too hard.
I have tried. I have. You know I have tried.
I knew you said it would be hard.
But I need to rest.
It's too hard.
Take me away. Or take the world away.
We just need some time apart, the world and me.
If the world spins one way, maybe I can spin the other.
How about opening a temporal anomaly in the space time continuum.
Just for me. Please.
Amen

a poem: the burden

awake. asleep. awake.
move. slightly. reach out.
sense.
she's not there.

trepidation. depression. sadness.
annoyance. frustration. burdens.
questions. wonder. pray.

listen. concentrated listen.
decision time. get up.
enter the fray. silent battle.
diplomacy. pleading. tactics.

defeat.
depression.
2 steps back. little faith
both of bare the burden. still.

a poem: no where to be

i can't do anything.
scared. hungry.
fearful.
is this her way too? not quite.
so tight on the straight and narrow.
critique and review hammering away at anything outside the narrow.
can't talk. can't think. can't do.
then wonder why i can't go left or right in anything.
too scared. fearful.
no where to go. no where to think. no where to talk.
no where to be.

When did i fall in love?

Was it that day in school when she told me she liked me?
Was it when I observed her from afar and considered her 'forbidden fruit'?
Was it when she used to smile at me like she knew me?
Maybe that night we ate in McDonalds.
Perhaps when she used to come round to my house those early mornings. Or when she stayed till late at night. Did I fall in love in those long inseparable days.

I knew I loved her when she held me as I sobbed. When I had no one else.
I knew when the Doctor gave me my son at 3am in the morning.
When she cares for me as I sneeze and cough the days and nights away.

Falling in love it seems was a path of exploring, sharing fears, exposing, fitting together. Holding each other together. I pray I will hold her for the rest of my life.