accept accept accept accept. what's wrong with this beautiful life i have...two wonderful children who fill my heart with love and hope...a husband who loves me...a beautiful home...family....a church to belong to....more than enough for a good life....then why is ACCEPT such a hard word for me???? Am I so greedy that this is not enough for me? if it was taken away I would wish to have this time back when my life was so good.
My husband is making up my daughter's scooter. A birthday present for her. my 3 yr old son saying 'dad, i have two wrenches like that'...i shld be with them enjoying this moment instead of here.
Song playing 'i'm trading my pain for the joy of the LORD. yes LORD, YES LORD YES YES LORD AMEN.
God cannot be more clear to me :) Yes, LORD
Sunday, July 04, 2010
grief overwhelming
I see you in that room teaching us your final lessons. I see you in that garden praying for us. You spent your last moments of freedom thinking of us. Help me to think of you.
Friday, July 02, 2010
mum
there's something about my mum that just rubs me up the wrong way. if i'm more like my dad then why can't i be like him and love mum for who she is?
everything i try doesn't work. i don't know how to shut up. it's very disrespectful and i don't know how to stop myself and walk away. it's because she's always telling me what to do. which wld be ok if it wasn't small stuff that i learnt when i was 10 or if it didn't feel like i was under a microscope and she was watching my every move waiting to tell me what i shld have done, or how to do it, or do it better...it's that. she drives me nuts and i just want to scream leave me alone and get the hell out of my face. yip :) that's the truth of it.
so i don't respect her. how do i fix that? LORD can you help me pls. things can't keep going on the way they are and i will not be able to live with her and I need to when she can't look after herself. I don't want my mum in a home. I love her and I miss her when she's not here, but a week is enough for me to wish she wasn't here.
when she nags me i need to let it go over my head. I need to think of it as her trying to be a good mum, not her trying to take over my life. There's just no privacy with her. She wants to know everything and be involved in everything. And i'm a private person. It's like a serious clash of personalities. I don't know how to love her.
Last time i balled my eyes out after a phone conversation with her which just made me want to pull out all my hair. I was crying and complaining to the LORD. And he just put this thought in my head 'she needs more love than you do' and that made me cry more because I thought of how she lost my dad who adored her and spoilt her, her husband, lover and best friend. She's living on her own, having to do more for herself then she has ever had to...trying to do life on her own. I have everything. hubby, children, lots of family, my brother living with us...she had no one.
I need to remember that even tho i am old she is still my mum. she's not a friend or or my sister who i wld treat with more respect and who would respect me more. I need to remember I am still her child. She deserves my respect. She use to change my nappies. Get over myself and accept that she's a bossy, negative, judgemental, think she's always right kind of person. Leave all that to the LORD and just give her the respect she deserves as my mother.
I need to have it written on my hand, somewhere in front of me so I can remember: YOU ARE STILL HER CHILD SHE DESERVES RESPECT. Will try that next time i see her :)
everything i try doesn't work. i don't know how to shut up. it's very disrespectful and i don't know how to stop myself and walk away. it's because she's always telling me what to do. which wld be ok if it wasn't small stuff that i learnt when i was 10 or if it didn't feel like i was under a microscope and she was watching my every move waiting to tell me what i shld have done, or how to do it, or do it better...it's that. she drives me nuts and i just want to scream leave me alone and get the hell out of my face. yip :) that's the truth of it.
so i don't respect her. how do i fix that? LORD can you help me pls. things can't keep going on the way they are and i will not be able to live with her and I need to when she can't look after herself. I don't want my mum in a home. I love her and I miss her when she's not here, but a week is enough for me to wish she wasn't here.
when she nags me i need to let it go over my head. I need to think of it as her trying to be a good mum, not her trying to take over my life. There's just no privacy with her. She wants to know everything and be involved in everything. And i'm a private person. It's like a serious clash of personalities. I don't know how to love her.
Last time i balled my eyes out after a phone conversation with her which just made me want to pull out all my hair. I was crying and complaining to the LORD. And he just put this thought in my head 'she needs more love than you do' and that made me cry more because I thought of how she lost my dad who adored her and spoilt her, her husband, lover and best friend. She's living on her own, having to do more for herself then she has ever had to...trying to do life on her own. I have everything. hubby, children, lots of family, my brother living with us...she had no one.
I need to remember that even tho i am old she is still my mum. she's not a friend or or my sister who i wld treat with more respect and who would respect me more. I need to remember I am still her child. She deserves my respect. She use to change my nappies. Get over myself and accept that she's a bossy, negative, judgemental, think she's always right kind of person. Leave all that to the LORD and just give her the respect she deserves as my mother.
I need to have it written on my hand, somewhere in front of me so I can remember: YOU ARE STILL HER CHILD SHE DESERVES RESPECT. Will try that next time i see her :)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
RECONCILIATION
current thoughts:
the LORD sacrificed himself to reconcile the world to him. He didn't die just for us Christians but for all humanity. He died for everyone so there would be a door from our world to his and whoever chooses to open that door will find him. But still it's our choice to make. He provided a way for us to come to him. For sin to lose it's power over us full knowing that we couldn't do this ourselves. He's so far beyond us that there was no way we could meet his standards once we made that choice to follow our own wills. Nothing we can do to earn it. We will never reach our potential in this world because we need him to guide us. He made us and he knows us better than we know ourselves. But he has given us the option of unlimited time to become all that we can be.
When we decided we knew best in Eden we took that option away. But God loved us so much he let it happen knowing one day he would sacrifice his son, himself. So that we would have another choice to death. So what's time on this planet all about. Why not just skip it and make the choice now...if you choose to be boss of your life...there's a line to hell. If you choose to let God be boss...there's a line to heaven. Why spend thousands of years, and countless lives who have/are struggling in this world, or enjoying this world only to make that decision a moment later?? Why not end it after Jesus was resurrected?
Creation isn't finished...God hasn't finished creating.
So what do we do with the 0-100 odd years we get on this planet? I say enjoy it. So when we go to eternity we don't waste a moment of it having to learn what we should have already learnt, having to grow up...or be sent to kindergarten cos we wasted our days on this planet saying God is boss but not living it. Living lives of duplicity. I WANT TO BE ALL THAT I AM MEANT TO BE FOR THIS MOMENT IN TIME. Not wishing I was more or pretending I am more, or thinking I'm less and wasting time feeling sorry for myself and living in the past or fighting the present. Whoever i am at this moment in time is worth celebrating. Becos the LORD made today for me, for you, for us.
Let's enjoy it please.
the LORD sacrificed himself to reconcile the world to him. He didn't die just for us Christians but for all humanity. He died for everyone so there would be a door from our world to his and whoever chooses to open that door will find him. But still it's our choice to make. He provided a way for us to come to him. For sin to lose it's power over us full knowing that we couldn't do this ourselves. He's so far beyond us that there was no way we could meet his standards once we made that choice to follow our own wills. Nothing we can do to earn it. We will never reach our potential in this world because we need him to guide us. He made us and he knows us better than we know ourselves. But he has given us the option of unlimited time to become all that we can be.
When we decided we knew best in Eden we took that option away. But God loved us so much he let it happen knowing one day he would sacrifice his son, himself. So that we would have another choice to death. So what's time on this planet all about. Why not just skip it and make the choice now...if you choose to be boss of your life...there's a line to hell. If you choose to let God be boss...there's a line to heaven. Why spend thousands of years, and countless lives who have/are struggling in this world, or enjoying this world only to make that decision a moment later?? Why not end it after Jesus was resurrected?
Creation isn't finished...God hasn't finished creating.
So what do we do with the 0-100 odd years we get on this planet? I say enjoy it. So when we go to eternity we don't waste a moment of it having to learn what we should have already learnt, having to grow up...or be sent to kindergarten cos we wasted our days on this planet saying God is boss but not living it. Living lives of duplicity. I WANT TO BE ALL THAT I AM MEANT TO BE FOR THIS MOMENT IN TIME. Not wishing I was more or pretending I am more, or thinking I'm less and wasting time feeling sorry for myself and living in the past or fighting the present. Whoever i am at this moment in time is worth celebrating. Becos the LORD made today for me, for you, for us.
Let's enjoy it please.
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
simplify
lots of thoughts lately...life changing...renewing mind...transforming thoughts.
sometimes i feel so very blessed. when i'm looking at my children sleeping between me and my husband. my daughter holding on to her brother, snuggled into him and caleb snuggled into me. my man's arm around them both. why has the LORD given us so much and others so very little? it's moments like that i can't thank him enough for letting us have children after trying for so long, and an entopic pregnancy. Meanwhile their are children starving, families living on the street in this cold winter weather. It just makes me want to do more.
i've decided i don't need all these material possessions. what i need is a home for my kids, welcoming and safe for them both. but i have too many things, lots of unnecessary clutter. I want to find that balance of enough so my home doesn't feel sterile but without the collections.
To simplify my life. So that it's about the things i love and not everything else. i love to travel. i don't need lots of vases and candle holders and kitchen stuff, and linen, etc. I'm planning to radically change my life. Be healthy, enjoy the outdoors, and have a place to rest our heads and gather as a family. Home should be simple. So i'm going to go thru each room and purge.
But i realised i need things on the wall. photos and paintings. And texture and plants. It means making things more. And not collecting stuff for one day. But on that day when i need it, I can just get it. But not before!
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