rob

my brother died 38 years old, heart attack in his sleep, 16 may 2009.

This is my last entry. I have learnt so much about myself from this. But mostly I miss him. He was a big part of my life. We both moved to sydney way back when and we have lived together most of this time. I think I have only ever spent 5 years apart. As my husband said, he was his flatmate.

He had the biggest heart and time for those no one else did. He just found the love of his life about 6 mths ago. He was starting the next stage of his life. Getting more healthier.

I am heart broken. And my world is very grey. Even tho i know he is with the LORD. He died too young. What I would give for another minute with him.

I would tell him how much i loved him, even tho he knew.
I would tell him how proud i was to be his sister.
I would tell him I wish the LORD had shouted at me that he was short on time so he could have had a less stressful last month. So we could have found a way out.
I would tell him how much I'm going to miss him, my children will miss him, how having him in our home made me feel more safe.
I would tell him that my life will always feel incomplete without him.
That i was looking forward to him getting married and having a family.
That i was glad he had found his soulmate no matter how brief the time.
That I was sorry for anything I have ever done to hurt him.
And then i could have wished him a safe journey home to his Maker.

Where he would struggle no more, feel no pain, see our Dad and my child, Ange's children, and fulfil his eternal purpose. Rest in peace is not something i would wish for him, not the resting part anyway, peace most definitely. He wanted to be one of the LORD's soldiers so I hope he's busy organising some offensive against the enemy. Or gathering people together to tell one of his stories.

Enjoy being a part of the bigger picture, have the best time doing whatever the LORD has assigned you, and look after our house until we meet again

what is it about my Saviour

i love the LORD because he 1st loved me.
Isaiah 61 is true of me. He gave me beauty for ashes.
a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness.
Songs of praise healed my spirit.
I was broken but he put the pieces back together and made me new again.
Restored my innocence, removed my sins as far as the east is from the west.
I was heading for destruction but no one knew
Only the LORD saw me in the dark, my tears he wiped away.
He is my Saviour. A simple truth about the Son of God.

I love the LORD because he could have ruled the world but he chose to serve.
He chose to spend 30 something years in obscurity as a carpenter's son.
He did not seek fame or try to stand out of the crowd.
He chose obedience over power.
He chose to submit, to love unconditionally.

I love the LORD because he was so different from this world. He had a way of turning everything upside down with a simple act. He spoke to a Samaritan woman when he shouldn't have. He wept when he saw his friends suffering even tho he knew he would fill them with joy within moments. He paid attention to the unlovables of his world. And made fishermen famous. Obedience, submission, servanthood, and unconditional love. He didn't conform even to his world's image of him. He simply went about his business and completed his purpose.

Even as he was about to go through undescribable suffering, he spent his last moments of freedom praying for us. His disciples and all other believers. He prayed for me and you. His love the world had never seen before. He wasn't just an innocent man dying unjustly. He was the Son of God choosing to die for us. For me.

some crazy thoughts

i sometimes think the only things that make sense in my life are my children.

freedom...galatians 5:1...how free am I? how burdened am i by a yoke of slavery (or the message version...never let anyone put a harness of slavery on me)....i don't feel free....need more simplifying and balance. The LORD died to set me free...am i honouring him by making the most of this freedom or did he die for me in vain??

if the LORD was living my life what would he get rid of? What would he prioritise? Do i need to be more like him or more like who the LORD made me to be? Becos I'm not like my Saviour. But there are certain characteristics about him that I adore and would love to call them my own too.

mother's diary

Reading thru the discipline book recommended by Faith. It's seriously encouraged me because I didn't have much luck putting into practice current baby techniques of letting them cry or old techniques of discipine. So a lot of the practices recommended in the book we have done just thru building relationships with our two little ones and adapting to their needs and what's right for us.

I think some people look at me and think I'm overly sensitive to my children but they're just as important to me as any adult so I do listen to them and answer them when they call me. And i'm flexible with their routines.

Caleb is super shy with people he doesn't know well and in a family of loud laughing social butterflies it's a bit hard for some to understand. But myles and i were both shy when we were little so he has a double dose of it! We don't try to force him to say hello, etc we just try to encourage him and interact with him.

I'm going to keep a diary of my little ones. How they're developing as little people...how our relationship grows...the many changes.

Today's note:

my son says 'no' a lot. I'm told at this age 'no' is normal. But he also has a habit of turning any suggestions into the negative....if he's said 'no' to something then even things he normally likes doing will get the negative response...eg: if I say do you want to go outside he will say, 'no don't want to go outside'. do you want a hug 'no, don't want a hug'....etc.

He is very strong willed. And refuses to do anything someone else tells him, if he gets in his 'negative' mood. What does this mean for him? I find myself asking the LORD why does he need to stand up for himself so? why does he need to be so strong willed? I wonder what he will have to face in the future, that he might need this in his personality?

I have learnt not to tell him to stop doing something instead I give him something different to do. Eg: instead of saying move back from the tv, which he immediately says 'no' to, I pull his couch out and say 'caleb come and sit on your couch' or if i'm sitting on the big couch I will say 'come sit with mummy' and he does. Without any problems.

caleb

just had a ditzy moment. If you read this faith sorry, for making a mess of your comments! forgot that you have to approve comments on your blog 1st.

I had a hard moment today. With caleb and discipline again. He had the worse trantrum. And screamed at me when i took something off him that he was ripping up. In the end he said sorry and we hugged etc. But scared me into doing something about it.

So just ordered the book Faith recommended , actually there were a few. But thought I would start with the discipline one and see from there. Might get a whole library of them :)

just a little romance

a little romance can go a long way...an act of kindness, thoughtfulness, of love...can make a girl feel like someone else out there gets who she is and wants to be a part of her life.

It's an interruption in her day to say 'i know you and I love you so much I just had to show you.'

It shows that person knows what makes your heart melt, what makes you smile and laugh, what brings out the best in you. What makes you shine!

We love to feel loved. I'm trying to capture that feeling...but I can't quite express it well enough. It's like standing in a crowded room and everyone else is out of focus except you. That's what a little romance can do.

It's what the LORD does when he interrupts your day just to say that even though he has so many sheep he still sees you and he knows who you are...his daughter, his son. And he knows exactly what you need and when you need it.

A little of that magic is all a girl needs in her busy hectic day. It's enough to make her want to wash her man's dirty feet with love :)

my family

myles

My man playing with my children.

proving to be a very productive time without my man. only because my brother has pitched in to help me sort my backyard. Since we did the biggest loser comp. it has been full of sports equipment. I do have a lot of stuff to get rid of! Purging I think is great for the soul. Including old attitudes!

I miss myles. I knew I would but it's not his presence like I thought I would. He is such a big help with the children and weekends we spend even more time together. It's not in relation to the kids. I just miss my hubby.

Absence does make the heart grow fonder. We have been together 19 years and I realise he has changed so much in the last 10 years or so. It made me realise something about myself. I still treat him as if he's the same. Instead of learning to love and appreciate who he is now.

It doesn't help that the man I fell in love with was so awesome and ahead of his time! But now at 40 he's learning what it means to be him, who God created him to be, warts and all.

I am one of the lucky ones. My husband is supportive and loving and he never stops trying. He's forever trying to accommodate me. And I need to do the same with him. Old attitudes of mine have no place in this new family of ours.

home alone

40 yrs old and home alone with my children for the 1st time ever! My brother lives with us but he's mostly at his girlfriend's place. My hubby has gone to NZ for the weekend. His Mum's plaque will be unveilled on Saturday. Hope he will be ok.

Home alone should be interesting - aaaahhh! putting them to sleep at night will be the hardest...caleb will wonder where his Dad is. Lots of fun!

I'm wondering how I will cope. As long as we stay accident free I should be ok. That's when I start to panic. I could easily ask one of my relatives over to help out but I actually want to see how I will go.

My daughter is crawling all over the place and my son wants me to play soccer with him...all good stuff. But a whole weekend??

small things can outweigh big things

I wrote a post a few days ago which I didn't post. It was just to revealing, layed my heart bare for the world to see. And it was just too much of my heart.

But since I wrote it the LORD has really answered so much of it. And I'm trying to put it into practice. It requires me renewing my mind.

I can share this - you know when things weigh you down and you can't get them out of your head? Well, that's me. I'm a problem solver so when something bugs me, I can't just put it aside.

So in writing about it, the LORD of course has shown me yet again that I don't have to let my mind rule my spirit or my emotions. The world does not have to be perfect for me to enjoy it still.

In fact I can be dealing with huge issues and still manage to enjoy my every day life. This image of my son and my man popped into my head when the LORD was counselling me over this. I wish I had taken a photo! It took place the day before when we all spent the morning together.

They were sitting on a bench on a main shopping road, so there was a lot of hustling and bustling around them, and they were happily sharing lebanese bread together watching the world go by...just hanging out together waiting for me and riley to return.

It was such a great image. I stood there watching them for a bit. It was such a lovely morning together with lots of 1sts. We started off with great coffee in a new coffee shop. Found this deli with yummy salads and great bread which we had never noticed before! Plus a wonderful french style homeware store. It was like we had never walked along that road before. Yet we've been their so many times!

So this all happened the day before the battle with my mind! Praise the LORD for he never leaves me nor forsakes me. That he is ever present in my life and patiently teaches me. Reminds me how blessed I am to have the family I do have. And most importantly to cast my cares on to him! He reminds me that I don't have to deal with the big stuff on my own. And that there are much better things to dwell on which may seem small to others but are just as powerful to me.

health kick

don't think i've posted on this...but about 3 mths ago I started a 'biggest loser' comp with my family. My sister-in-law was doing it at her work, so I thought there are a few of my close family needing to do something about their health. We did really well in the 1st couple of months until christmas hit and then it was hard to meet up and people went away on holidays. Might do it again later in the year for another 3 mths. We met once a week compulsory to exercise together, and then another night for those super keen.

Most of us lost some weight. It really kick started me on doing something about my health. I've lost 13 kilos. I'm trying to increase my exercise so I'm doing something everyday. I found that just running around after the children helped. Most days I only sit down for an hour at most in total....5 mins here and there.

But my little ones are starting to have more of a routine...every time I say that to myself Riley starts teething again and doesn't sleep for very long!

Yesterday I managed to actually read something during the day. I'm realising more and more than I need to spend time doing things that I love like meeting up with my girl cousins, reading, crafty things. Rather than just duties and chores!

Myles and I are planning to be more involved in other activities this year. My worry is exercise will be sacrificed and that is a huge priority for me. In the back of my mind is this thought - I'm an older parent and i need to stay young and healthy for my kids. I want to see my grandchildren. I can't do that if I'm unfit and unhealthy.

I realised a few years ago that I take care of my mind and spirit but never my body. I have apologised to the LORD about that because he gave me such a good beginning. I use to be skinny and sporty. But i've used and abused one of his gifts to me.

The LORD is covering me with his grace because he knows this is such an area of weakness for me. Even when I take giant steps backwards I still keep losing weight.

But now I really need to move to another level and change my lifestyle. It has to have lots of activities which focuses on my fitness. Those three magic words which the LORD seems to have written over my life pop into my head:

BALANCE SIMPLIFY ACCEPT

discipline

i just had a moment with my son which has brought home to me that I need to decide how to discipline him and stick to it.

I use to think that a little smack on the hand was ok esp when they're young like caleb's age now. But that was before I had caleb. I gave him one smack on his leg when he did something really naughty last year sometime. I was so upset with myself that I decided i would never do it again. It's not ok for him to smack people so why is it ok for me? How can I teach him if I don't lead by example??

So just now, I was breastfeeding riley on the couch, caleb sitting next to me. I didn't realise he had riley's toe in his mouth till she gave a little yelp. he had bitten her toe. Once i realised what he was doing I immediately told him off. And moved him away from us. He reacted badly which is normal for him. I told him to say sorry to his sister and he refused so I let him sulk while continuing to breastfeed.

But then he reached for her foot again and i instinctively flicked his hand and said 'NO!' It was a smack, ever so small but still. Caleb totally lost the plot and was so angry and tried to hit me. I was so taken back by it. I said 'No, caleb don't hit me' but he tried again. His face was so angry and hurt by me.

I just wanted to hug him and say sorry. In his lifetime where has he learnt to raise his hand and hit? Has he seen my nieces and nephews do it? I know he was with a couple of boy cousins and they were beating each other up as if it was a game, and I immediately took him away. Was it that one time when I hit him??? My son is 2yrs old and 2 mths. He already knows how to hit another person!

I am never going to hit him. I know it was reflex to protect riley, my other hand was holding her to my boob, so I was caught out. I should have removed myself from him. But I just didn't think he was going to try bite her again.

It was a rebellious moment. Maybe it's a human reaction. Maybe caleb was acting instinctively to protect himself.

Now I remember, I was kissing her foot better at the time so when he reached for her foot that second time...he may even have been trying to kiss it better too! But I just reacted instinctively. I have to be very careful from now on. My son is at the terrible 2 age so I need to be consistent about how I discipline him. Never again will I smack him.

We kissed and made up, lots of big hugs all round. But it caused me to pause.

mummy moments

it's funny but the simplest of things become very hard with two little ones. Take using the phone. I often annoy my family because it's impossible to get a hold of me. Unlike a lot of them I don't carry my phone on me.

If only people could see me talking on the phone or texting or even on this pc. There is usually one child crawling under me because when I keep still they come running!

Even now my daughter is trying to stand up by holding on to my knees. She wants my attention.

Today i had my hand in the air texting a cousin of mine in Ireland while two kids were sitting on my lap. My son was playing choo choo train and my daughter climbing over me trying to reach the bookcase.

And now I have scooped her up and of course she is searching for boob. So now I'm multi-tasking :)

I love my days!

time out

since i wrote my last post i have really been put to the challenge about what needs to change and how I can be responsible for my life! In all honesty I can say last night and today has been totally crap, but as always in the midst of confusion and trials the LORD shines hope.

I visited Faith's blog which was just what i needed. I remembered I was going to do one of her wonderful list things on christmas day. But I never did. It's just what I need to chill out so going to make a cup of tea, let my man mind my kids behind me as I zone out :)

Seven things I did before I was a Mom:

1. played volleyball for a club - loved it!
2. walked in the rain ...just seems a bit irresponsible to do that with little kids :)
3. danced and danced out on the town with my family. I still dance but with my little ones to wiggles songs or occassionally at family weddings and birthdays...but that's too old ABBA songs!
4. drank gin and tonic - in fairness I had 2 last month at my cousins hens/bucks night. But the long wait before I could breastfeed riley wasn't worth it so will wait till riley can drink from a bottle.
5. movie marathons...in cinemas when they have 3 movies in a row starting at 11pmish and finishing about 6amish.
6. all nighters with loved ones - stay up all night and go to bed after breakfast!
7. paint...sooo haven't done that! But I have a list of ideas for next ones to do.

Seven things I do, now that I know Jesus really loves me:

1. cast all my cares on to him including my gripes :)
2. listen for his voice in my every day life
3. give more than i take
4. examine my heart
5. sing without reservation because I sing for him
6. love more and judge less
7. change

Seven things I would like to do:

1. see more of the world the LORD has made, especially with my children
2. learn how to sew! Becos it hinders so many of my craft projects
3. learn how to drive
4. buy a holiday home by a beach so my extended family can go on holiday
5. visit Watoto in Uganda
6. spoil my grand-children
7. spoil my mum

Seven things that still attract me to my husband!

1. he loves to play with his nieces and nephews and now his children
2. he loves to help others
3. he still makes me laugh
4. he lets me have time to do this, even though it's taking me ages and the kids are going crazy
5. he's so happy to see his son running to him after work and he has love written all over his face as he scoops him up and squeezes him!
6. most of the time he sits in shopping malls patiently waiting for me to finish
7. his beautiful eyes

Seven favorite foods:

1. ham on the bone
2. lattes
3. chippies/crisps
4. mangoes
5. lime ice cream
6. seafood pasta salad my cousin makes
7. pork buns
   

Seven things I say most often:

1. No, caleb...hopefully temporary :)
2. baby...to both my little ones
3. love you
4. thank you LORD (whenever my kids escape seriously injuring themselves after a tumble! this happens often)
5. why? (to the LORD, my hubby, myself!)
6. careful...to caleb mostly :)
7. when are you coming home? to guess who :)

New year old year gripes

There are times when i seriously don't like myself. I'm snappy and lose the plot over things like messy kitchens and bathrooms. Certain people rub me up the wrong way and i find fault everywhere.

These are things that concern me because they add unnecessarily to my daily chores and with a little effort by everyone, my life is made easier. But is it worth losing my joy over?

So today i hung out with an old girlfriend of mine. Always afterwards I feel a lot lighter and happier. Why is it some people lift you up and others pull you down? Does that mean i should surround myself with the 1st lot and banish the 2nd lot to a small corner in my life...only to be dealt with when necessary. Or am i just being to fussy??

IT'S A NEW YEAR! Life does not have to be an accumulation of wasted moments. I am 40 years old. I am in charge of my own life. If I don't like it then something needs to change otherwise I'm doomed to live wasted moments.

I would much rather celebrate life and have real life changing moments. Hanging out with my kids is awesome and fun but being responsible for everything in my home is not. I'm not the only adult here.

Last week I went to bed at midnight or soon after. Even by 11pm one night. But my little ones have been waking up a lot due to the heat and riley is teething. So I have had lots of broken sleep. I'm not good with broken sleep. Yet still i'm expected to do everything else in the house.

Something has to change. It's a new year, a great time to start a fresh and shake off the old ways!

potential

Every now and then I sit doing something ordinary like watching tv and a thought slips into my head. What am I meant to achieve in this life of mine? I'm 40, what was i meant to do by now? Am I doing it or am i nowhere near close to where I should be??

I'm worried about other people in my life, that they will be swamped and give up, their relationship with the LORD. But what about my relationship with the LORD?

I found myself asking 'just how close am i to you LORD?'. Another thought popped into my head - How close do you want to be?

My answer is this - as close as i can be, as close as if i was resting my head on his chest...or as a child sitting at her Father's feet - safe, happy, protected.

Can I be that close to you LORD? If I was I would whisper into you ear 'hold on tightly to my brother and don't let him go'.

I wonder what my potential was meant to be? I am 40 yrs old and I still have a desire to reach my potential before I die...not to fulfil it, because I have an eternity for that, but to be where I'm meant to be at whatever age I meet the LORD.

I'm doing a 5 yr plan, and I think I need to step up my game. Life is just too short and I have 2 beautiful children who need me to be around for as long as i possibly can be...without being a burden to them of course :)

changes changes

LORD
plse hold on tightly to my brother. He needs you right now. I dont know what his relationship with you is like, but i know he believes and i know he prays. His life has been turned upside down now. I know they needed a changed because he was so stressed out with his job and family life. Something had to give. I'm sad for him that it has ended this way with the loss of his job after all his hardwork. I need you to fill him with hope about his future LORD. He has opened the door for you to turn this change around. You let this happen for a reason. Plse show my brother what he needs to do, help him to make right choices, to see your plans for him, to prosper him and not to harm him, to give him a hope and a future.

It's the first time my sister-in-law has said anything about you to me LORD. Please show her that you are taking care of them. That Satan meant this for their destruction, but you will use it for their good because you love them. I have prayed about them for years LORD. Please help them now. Letting this turning point in their lives bring them closer to you.

Please hold on tightly to them LORD. No weapon formed against them shall prosper LORD. Your joy will be their strength. Fill them now LORD. No more bad news. Give them that hope they need to pick themselves up and keep going. Show them what you see, lift my brother up on your shoulders and show him that you closed that door so he could move on to something better for his own personal growth and for his family. Show him the possibilities and fill him with your spirit LORD so that he can walk in your will. Be a lamp onto his feet and a light onto his path.

If you did this to discipline him then show him what needs to change. For you only discipline the ones you love, like a Father with his son. If it's because you wanted to set him free from his burdens so he move on to a better future, then show him what he needs to do next to walk in it.

Speak to him loud and clear LORD. Show him that he is sheltered under the shadow of your wing, and even though this is so hard and sad, he has so much more to look forward to. comfort him LORD, like you always comfort me, more so LORD because he's not use to your voice. He was brought up in traditional christianity, so having you step into his every day life needs to be as crystal clear as Thomas seeing the scars on your hands. Show him LORD that you are real and you care for him now, in the midst of his pain, you are there. That you will never leave him nor forsake him.

His wife is trying to be so strong for him. Please LORD fill her with your wisdom. Help her to understand her man. You know her personality LORD, plse use this to bring them both closer together. To strengthen their love and commitment to each other and to their children.

My brother weighs heavy on my mind. My heart breaks for him because he worked so hard for so long and this is how it ended. He needs to take some good from this LORD. Please let his managers remember the good he did, and reward him in some way so he can walk away on good terms.

My other brother is also weighing me down. It's funny but times like this I want to talk to my mum and my sister. Why is that LORD? For comfort or just to hear their voices and make sure they are both ok.

Help the rest of us to speak your words to him LORD. Fill us with your discernment and wisdom so we can help and not hinder. So we wont be a stumbling block for them, so we can love them as you would. So we can be like Jesus and speak words of wisdom that will touch their hearts and help them to see past the fog that surrounds them now.

in your mighty name Lord Jesus