the continuing saga of baby names!

Last nite, my Mum had the baby names book out and the rest of us (my brother and hubby) brainstormed on names yet again.

So far we only have Riley which Myles and I both like. Then my brother came up with the idea of letting caleb pick a name. So we wrote all the possibilities down on bits of paper....misty, storm, riley, ocean, tre, calypso, etc. And then tried to get caleb to pick one. Except he kept taking them all. So got him to hand me one from his pile. And guess what it was? RILEY.

Myles and I cracked up laughing. My mum didn't find it too funny - she doesn't like that name. So looks more and more like her name will be Riley Diana. But myles has taken a liking to Misty now...

pregnancy loneliness

when i feel helpless I feel lonely
why is that??
I literally can't help myself...i have to ask for help for big things and little things.
I can't complete things on my own...I need help to accomplish even small things.

This last month I have felt frustrated at my inability to cope.
I can't even stretch away my aches and pains.
Someone else has to massage me.
I can't enjoy my son falling asleep on my arm...it hurts too much.

Why does this make me feel so lonely??? because I'm alone.
No one else can carry my child.
I could barely walk 2 days ago...but I went out anyway.
I looked ridiculous.

I am worried for my baby.
I want to try a natural birth.
Having had a caesarian, if things go wrong I might lose my child.
It's a small chance, but still it's a risk.
I'm scared and have been praying I make the right decision.

I feel alone because I'm so dependent on others.
I hate being so needy.
But that's just how it's meant to be.
I only have to survive a little while longer.

Then I will hold my baby.
See the life that has been growing in me.
The aches and pains will not compare.
And every day I spend with her will be a blessing.

dreaming

1 week to go!!! Have that feel like writing feeling again.

Dreams:
to buy a holiday house somewhere within walking distance of a beautiful beach so i can take all my nieces and nephews and children there during the weekends. Give them experiences they wouldn't otherwise have.

to have my own business working from home. So I get to spend maximum time with my kids and do something i love.

to buy a plot of land where we can build a community centre which churches can book out for services (ideally free of charge), outdoor bbq park area, basketball courts, volleyball court, pool, cafe and bookstore. Where everyone is welcome and churches from different denominations work together for the good of the local community and on projects bigger than themselves...united as one.

to fund practical progammes which meet the basic needs of poverty strickened countries in Africa...like Watoto. one country at a time.

ok that's enough dreaming :)

i feel like writing today...

What's been happening...

• the LORD has been renewing my mind about that situation I mentioned before.
• I've been so busy nesting it's not funny. Have notebook with long to do lists which i complete and fill another page with.
• Last night I rearranged my cupboards now that I have more storage. I'm still in the process of putting up curtains. I would have done them already but requires hubby's help and he's a wee bit busy at the moment too.
• Finished a painting that I've had for a couple of years. Trying to blow up a picture of caleb...took a while to narrow it down to 5!
• Weather has been very wet of late...sunny for an hour then rain and cloud. Not good for the loads of washing I have.
• Have almost packed my hospital...leaving it a bit late!
• Knitted a couple of scarfs.
• Knitted my daughter a cardigan but didn't like the buttons so will change those today.
• Have these plain white nighties which were given to caleb...but he never wore them. I have some ribbon and iron ons to jazz them up a bit...don't like plain white anything - too many beautiful colours in the world.
• Still putting up pictures and paintings on our walls. Getting there!

Well that's enough of my everyday life.

How's my eternal life going???
Next post.

a few caleb highlights

Just finished a drumming session with my son. Our neighbours must be going deaf :) Made me think of sharing a few of my caleb moments:

• my son loves drumming...his plastic drum is too beat up from his constant banging on it that I have to buy him a new more hardy one!
• He beats everything with drumsticks, and turns whatever he picks up into drumsticks...he had a small toy guitar and he decided to bang it against our wooden floors.
• He dances a lot! And sings most mornings whatever pops into his head.
• He has inherited his Dad's love of music...i'm just hoping it's not country music :)
• he's crazy about cheese...always asking for it. Had to buy one which is reduced fat!
• he has this new habit of falling asleep but wanting to hold my hands.
• when I tell him off for something he goes crying to his Dad and vice versa.
• greets my Mum and brother with 'morning'.
• when we pray for him, he says 'amen' over and over and over.

caleb is such a blessing in our lives that I can't imagine life without him. To be so blessed after years of wanting a child just makes me appreciate God's perfect timing even more!

who do i want to be?

a person of integrity

faithful, trustworthy and loyal

loving and giving

discerning

a woman who smiles at her future

enjoys life and grasps every moment of it

a blessing to those the LORD puts in her hand

a person of vision who follows through and doesn't give up easily

always learning - especially from mistakes which seem to teach the most!

AS IF THESE WERE NOT IMPOSSIBLE ENOUGH. TWO TRAITS FROM MY LORD AND SAVIOUR:

someone who can see into the hearts of individuals and know who they truly are

to see my life beyond myself, through the eyes of the Father

sabotage

Do you ever feel like you're sabotaging the LORD's blessings and plans in your life? I do. The LORD has given me so much and yet I act like an ungrateful child who looks at what I don't have instead of what I do. I mourn a past that the LORD has taken away. Why???

This is one of those posts I talked about before where you can't really share the full story.

I am like this because the LORD's ways are not my ways. When he answers a prayer he doesn't always do it the way you expected or wanted. And sometimes he requires sacrifice from you...literally...you are that sacrifice and it's a cross you have to carry.

It's the LORD's way to teach me and help me grow. It definitely doesn't feel like. It feels like I'm falling apart and I don't know how to cope or shake free from what binds me. And the funny thing is it would be so much easier if i followed his example.

I've been going through something which I thought I had to go thru to get to the other side. But the LORD showed me that's not his plan. I went to my cousin's church for a night service and realised that the LORD had put my house in order and i was to walk in it. Not walk in the past but to walk in his plan to prosper me.

He rescued me from this situation so I wouldn't have to continue living it, but so I could move on from it. I can't cope with it, and he knows that. I need to consider it done and dusted. Leave it in his hands and focus on what I have control over and what I can do.

I can't control how other people feel about me, how they behave towards me, or even how much they love me. All I can do is love them the best I know how and not let them steal my joy. Make the most of what I have, focus on all that's positive. And in my life there is so much that is positive.

My head said what if i'm living a lie?? Then the LORD will sort it, but I can only be true to myself. I can't stop people lying to me. Only God can. Until he tells me they are lying to me, I have to trust him and believe that my life is in his hands. He is in control even if I am not.

But what if I get hurt again?? I can choose to let it hurt me again and again or I can choose to NEVER let it take a hold of me again. Hurt is something Satan wants me to feel. I'm not defeated, no weapon formed against me will prosper because my reward is eternal. My hope is in the LORD and the joy of the LORD is my strength.

It only hurts because it makes me feel helpless and unworthy and unloved. But the LORD loves me. And I am worthy of his love, not by my deeds but by his grace. I can't earn his love or anyone else's. It must be freely given.

I can't pretend either. But I can choose to shake it off, take it captive in the name of Jesus, and not dwell on it. Yes, it hurts. But only because I let it.

I don't feel like I'm explaining this very well. But the gist of it is: the LORD wanted to save me from this pain, from having to battle this on my own. He set up a rescue plan. And I thought that meant I had to cope with the consequences. But he rescued me so I wouldn't have to do this. He did the spring cleaning because he knew I couldn't.

All I have to do is accept that his mercy and grace is enough. That my life is still on track and under his control, not Satan's. I don't have to deal with it anymore. He let me know what was happening but he wasn't expecting me to dwell on it.

It was a case of 'Daughter this is the truth about the life you are living. But don't worry because my plans for you are still on track...your husband will be saved, your children born. Think of it no more. But strive forward in the plans I have set up. Leave the rest to me...I will sort it and it will be for your good.'

ok, i think that's what i was trying to say.

shopping dramas

I am all shopped out!!! I went shopping on Sat, still looking for 3 items of furniture for my new home, plus curtains, etc. I was shopping 3 hrs and went to this huge mall. We're not familiar with it, so walked around and around searching for a couple of shops. Even my man who is usually good with directions found the signage very difficult to follow.

As I was walking around I could feel my body wasn't coping, legs were aching and I was overheating. I could see Myles getting further ahead of me and didn't have the energy to even speak. So I kept walking and walking. When I caught up to myles - I had to sit down, but I was so exhausted and overwhelmed with how I was feeling physically, I couldn't tell him how I was feeling. So he knew something was wrong, made the decision and sat us down.

In my head I kept thinking, I can't cope, this is too much, I should be doing less, simplifying my life, not doing shopping marathons. I just wanted to breakdown and ball my eyes out, but this mall was super packed with people and the seat we were on had several other people sitting there.

So I decided Sunday would be my last day shopping, even if we found nothing. It would just have to wait till after baby. I asked the LORD to help us find what we needed on Sunday after church because I was soooo done with shopping.And on Sunday we found everything we needed. One of the things was out of stock but at least I knew what I wanted now, and myles could go pick it up when they restocked. I didn't have to go again.

Why am I sharing this?? Because I have never felt so overwhelmed and unable to help myself like that. I couldn't even talk. With caleb I made a point of relaxing and staying home because it was my 1st child. But Gobbie has had it hard.

It made me realise that I was stressing myself out with the long list of things to do. Instead of focusing on the one thing I need to do most. Look after myself for Gobbie's sake and mine. I can't afford to have my blood pressure rise this month. I have 4 weeks left and I need to spend these wisely.

So no more marathon shopping days. One task a day and nothing overwhelming. What are those three magic words the LORD gave me??? simplify, balance and accept. Need to write these on my heart.