muddled thoughts

what if your life was THIS for the rest of your life? Whatever 'THIS' is for you...your every day life, what you spend most of your time doing, what you do for a living, who you spend your time with...all of the above.

What does 'THIS' look like for me? It's hanging out with my son which means looking after him, entertaining him, feeding him, loving him, hugging him, kissing him, etc. Hanging out with my husband...riding in the car, shopping, laughing, eating in the same room, watchng tv, sleeping, etc. Hanging out sometimes with family, occassionally with a friend or two.

What if 'THIS' was it? Nothing more and nothing less. Would i feel like I had fulfilled my purpose in life? Or would I feel like something was missing, like I hadn't done enough?

I dream BIG dreams. It's the way the LORD made me. I imagine the floodgates of heaven opening and see the wonders the LORD would achieve. It makes me want to jump up and down and rush out and conquer evil. So what if I never did this but settled in suburbia, in a safe church, with a safe life thinking my marriage is wonderful while ignoring the cracks which show up when I stand still....

Most people would think I was a positive, encouraging, happy person....except my husband and my mum. Why is that? They see my negative side, experience my disappointment and anger.

I wrote once that if I could say i was a good wife and mother then that would be enough. But i don't know what that looks like. Does it look like a wife who accepts everything and does whatever is required of her , keeps house and puts herself second? Or is it a woman who wants to be everything she can be and encourages her loved ones to be all they can be? Problem is sometimes people don't want to be anything more than they are right now. So encouragement sounds like a nagging pushy wife or an overprotective and overpowering mother....and then you stand still and you can't be bothered being anything more than you are right now.

i don't have the power to fix everything, but for some reason I insist on trying.

i'm talking in circles.