like the waves that go back and forth

so i am feeling with all that is going on...!!!

its been 7 weeks now i think and still my mum refuses to talk to me since i moved out.It is a great barrier in moving on and a big ugly heavy black cloud hovering over my head.It saddens me coz i feel like im an outcast and i have been living with a fake family all this time.That i dont belong anywhere near my family coz im so strange and wonder if this is why the Lord made me so independent, and teaching me at such a young age how to soar alone.
My dad was supposed to call me back to tell me when i can go visit them and sort things out with my mum but still no answer. I cant seem to push past it and breakthrough coz i know i like things sorted, not just brushed under the carpet and live life in a facade.
ironically i hate having to be the one to confront issues like this and so i needed all the Lords strength and peace to make that call.

Work is extremely high pressure, and im feeling it which is very unusual for me....and to think i only took it coz i wanted to help some one out who was in desperate need of love and laughter.Now i barely have time to converse with her!!

I miss my sister and my heart cries for her company everyday. I miss going home to my parents house,and just be around their noise and dramas.

My man is surprisingly so needy and the sounding board for all my stresses.On a normal day it would be lovely to have your man "need"to just be around you even if your not talking but with everything else going on, it feels like suffocation to me and so i reject him and at times snap at him for nothing, which normally ends in an argument.

Ive got connect which i need to spend extra time preparing because of our study program and the fact that i cant seemt o make time to see all the girls individually so i get to see how they really are.

Yet, in the bottom of it all thertes a little voice reminding me again of who I believe in and who I seek validation from, and what he needs me to do!!!
I know Satan is working hard and getting me to believe that my mum was right about me, that I am everything she says I am and therefore i wont prosper in any plans i have.
and most of all the haunting words of my mother follow me everywhere " it is not gods will to move out and that all this crap is following me coz im disobedient"

i feel like just leaving the country and run off somewhere and start all over...but that is precisely whats making me feel like the waves that James speak off....that go back and forth achieving nothing!!

I come to the Lord yet my body is weak, but my spirit soars and wants me to focus on the Lord the creator of heaven and earth, from whom my help comes from....but really i just want to give it up and switch my mind off so i dont care anymore.....but how can i when i know what i know and i am accountable for so much...for where can i go to hide from God? not the heavens coz hes there, not the depths of the earth coz he is also there, not the east or the west...

Where can i go to hide from your presence Lord?? Even in the darkness of my mind your light shines so brightly covering any doubt and lies that lay there..because of your love for me you give me a truth to doubt the doubts Satan puts in my heart....
Lord im trusting in you, im trusting in your faithfulness to me, im trusting in your deliverance of my family and the restoration of broken relationships! i can only trust Lord, trust and obey!!!

"Why are you so downcast oh my Soul, trust in the Lord for I am yet to praise him"