we fly out tomorrow - to see myles' mum in new zealand. I am praying for lots of discernment because Myles' family is different from mine. So I want to be mindful of her independence but at the same time I want her to know it's ok to be emotional about all of this. That she doesn't have to put on a brave face for us.

I am hoping Caleb brings her lots of joy and laughter. That seeing her grandson will help her to choose life...to make the most of whatever time the LORD has given her. I am praying that it will be years and not just months.

Of course, I'm worrying about Myles too. He's so use to being strong and in control that I don't want to be a burden on him in any way. I don't want him to have to look after me and everyone else. It's a time he can be selfish and take care of whoever and whatever he thinks best. I'm praying the LORD will shower him with love and guidance as he steps into unknown territory for him and his family.

I guess this is like stepping into the dark for the first time holding the LORD's hand. He has no idea what's out there or what to expect. I pray he holds on tightly to the LORD and doesn't feel like he has to cope on his own.

I'm also wondering how caleb will cope with staying somewhere that's not his home, how will he sleep, will he be himself or too scared to relax...lots of unknowns.

ok, overwhelmed now...need to pray.

LORD
I'm so leaning on you right now. Your word is flooding me....we can do all things through you who strengthen us, if we draw near to you then you will draw near to us...cast all our cares on to you for you care for us...We need you LORD. We are not strong and we can't do this without you. Thoughts of losing my Dad are flooding me, and now I face another parent who is going through the same circumstances.

I know that you are with us. That greater are you who live in us then he who lives in this world. That you are our refuge. That no one can snatch us from your hands.

Fill us with your discernment LORD. The way you saw into the heart of whoever you talked to, so you knew what they needed. Help us to do this with myles' family. Fill us with your Spirit LORD, so our words are your words, so we can comfort those that need comfort and laugh with those who need laughter.

Help us to be their refuge in this storm. Help us to be a blessing to them.

And please help Myles and I to communicate with each other. Help me to help him LORD. To be his right hand in this time of need, to be Jesus to him - no pressure just lots of love.

Thank you LORD. You already know my heart's desire LORD. And I magnify your name which is above all names, Lord Jesus. You said we overcome by our testimony and your blood sarificed on that cross for us. My testimony is this - you are the Son of God, my Lord and Saviour and that all things are possible with you, that you are the same today as yesterday. That you heal the sick, bind up the broken-hearted, and set captives free. That you intercede on our behalf and turn our prayers into something beautiful. Thank you Lord. I ask all this in your mighty name. amene.

magnify the LORD

When I think of the worse things that have happened to me...and there are a few that have devastated me in different ways...worse fear, affected me for life, broken my heart, lost loved ones, emotional and physical pain, screwed with my mind...yet what do all these mean compared to the best thing that has ever happened to me....SAVED AND FORGIVEN, CREATED NEW.

If I was to weigh them on a scale would all the pain and hurt outweigh the joy of my salvation???

Even if I feel pain for the rest of my life here it will never outweigh being SAVED FOR ALL ETERNITY. I realised this today.

I am reminded of some of the words of amazing grace and Isaiah...I was lost but now I'm found, blind but now I see, given beauty for ashes, a captive set free, a prisoner released from darkness, a garment of praise for a spirit of heaviness. These all describe me, describe what it means to be saved.

I will magnify the LORD who is worthy to be praised. I am saved. I am saved. I am forgiven. I am forgiven.

My husband is saved. This is no small miracle. My husband was an atheist. He knew God existed for me, but not for him. Even if Jesus walked on water in front of him he would still disbelieve. It just didn't make sense to him. And now he believes. The impossible made possible.

He is saved. He is forgiven. Created new. He was blind but now he sees. Amazing grace.

The LORD loves us. The Maker of Heaven and Earth knows our names. He moved heaven and earth to save us. What is impossible for man is more than possible for our LORD.

I can't say: I am saved BUT it cost me everything. If I truly understand what it took to save me, transform me, then the cost is nothing in comparison. I am saved AND YES it cost me everything. It was worth it and more.

I can't live without the LORD. My sins are too overwhelming and my pride too great. My days of independence are long gone. Obedience is my choice. Why? Because I cost the LORD his life. It took everything to wipe away my sins.

It's easy to take it for granted because the LORD made it seem so easy to change me. But I didn't overcome my weaknesses, my sins. The LORD did. He removed them as far as the east is from the west. Why? Because he knew I couldn't do it. I would have drowned. This doesn't make me strong. The LORD is my strength. I can never take this for granted.

He restored my innocence and gave me a choice I thought I had already made...to choose life. Joshua's words I make my own:
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, (whether the idols in your life, the lust of this world, whatever you devote your time and energy to above the LORD) But as for me and my family, we will serve the LORD.

listening

I thank the LORD that even in the midst of sorrow there is joy. I can still praise him because I know he will work this out for all our good. He knows our hearts desires and I trust him to do what's best for all of us. No weapon formed against us shall prosper.

Myles has 3 siblings - a twin brother, an older brother and sister. They don't believe in the LORD. I wonder how the LORD will use this difficult time in their lives to bring them closer to him?

At the moment, as I wait on the LORD, I am listening for him to reveal his heart, his will, for Myles' Mum, his siblings, us as a family. He said we could test and approve his will if we don't conform to the patterns of this world but instead be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom 12:2).

We are going to New Zealand next week to spend some time with his Mum. My aim is to bring her some joy and laughter in the midst of this. For her to enjoy Caleb and have her loved ones around her.

I wonder what is the greatest miracle to heal the sick or save a soul? There are a few souls in Myles' family that need saving. I pray that the LORD will send us as his hands, and fill us with his words and his heart for his lost sheep.

only have the LORD

Found out tonight that Myles' Mum has an aggressive cancer. She has 1-6 mths to live. The biopsy results are not in yet, but it is unoperable and there is nothing they can do apart from ease the pain or at most palliative chemo.

So the doctors can do nothing and we only have the LORD to help her.

It's a funny thing to say that we ONLY have the LORD. It's like saying we ONLY have the Creator of life, we ONLY have the Saviour of the world who raises the dead, walks on water. We ONLY have the Maker of heaven and earth. We ONLY have the Healer of broken hearts who gives beauty for ashes and sets prisoners free. We ONLY have the God of the impossible, my LORD and Saviour.

It's times like this I'm so grateful I only have the LORD. Who better to have on our side, when the world says it's hopeless. Only God can heal my Mother-in-Law and perform a miracle.

I'm still waiting on the LORD. He can rescue my Mother-in-Law. He gave me my miracle son and I'm pregnant again. He healed my broken heart a long time ago and set me free. He transformed my husband into a new creation and within one night removed a lifetime of disbelief.

Yes, I am thankful that we only have the LORD. For there is none like him.

dad

I woke up this morning remembering my Dad's smiling face. He had one of those sunshine smiles that he always greeted his loved ones with. You always knew he was happy to see you. I miss that smile.

And he had this chuckle when he laughed and when you tickled him he screamed like a girl :)

My Dad, glad he's with the LORD, but if I had a choice I would wish him here with us!

waiting on God

My mother-in-law is having her biopsy on Monday, so will find out then if they can do anything to help her. I'm praying for good news.

My Dad died of kidney cancer 4 years ago. He lived for 8 mths after they 1st diagnosed him. It had spread throughout his body. My Mum had cancer in the uterus, but they caught it in time. Praise the LORD. She has annual check ups now. This means 3 out of 4 of our parents have had cancer.

We must have a big bullseye on our backs for Satan to target our family so much. But thankfully, we have the LORD on our side, and he has worked overtime in our lives to strengthen our faith. And in Myles' case to save him - he became a Christian in 2004.

That's what I'm most grateful for - Myles has a relationship with the LORD. He knows he can ask the LORD for anything - give the LORD his heart's desires. And he can lean on the LORD instead of himself.

I have lost a lot of loved ones in the last few years. Each time I prayed for healing except when I found out too late. Not one of them was healed. Their sicknesses took their lives. And now my mother-in-law. Does this stop me from praying for healing? Does this make me doubt that the LORD heals the sick? That he is the same today as when his son walked this earth and performed miracles? NO!!!!

Some people might think this is stupid of me. But my job is to believe and trust the LORD is who he says he is. I choose to believe and not doubt. I choose to ask and receive.

I have no idea all the things, circumstances, people the LORD takes into account in working out what's best for every one of those prayers. He sees the bigger picture so I trust him to decide what's best for me and my loved ones. I am also blessed to know that they all believed and were saved. So I will see them again.

I have seen the LORD heal broken hearts, including my own, and he saved my ovary when the Doctors told me it was unsaveable and I would not have children. I have a beautiful son and another child on the way. Cancer is not bigger than my LORD.

I believe that all things are possible with our LORD. I believe he is our Healer. I believe in miracles. The outcome is in his hands but he wants to know what we expect from him, what we desire from him. Not for his sake do we declare our faith in him. But for our own. To fill us with hope and encourage us to never give up. He said we have not, because we ask not and when we ask we ask with the wrong motives.

I know my motives are right because my Lord and Saviour had the same motives when he healed the sick. He was filled with compassion and love. I love my mother-in-law and I know my son would be blessed to have her be a part of his life. We all would.

So yes, I am praying for good news. And I wait on the LORD to answer only as he can.

sad news

Very sad today. Myles found out last night that his Mum has bowel cancer and it's spread to her liver. She is a lovely woman, very supportive and encouraging. I always say I have the best Mother-in-law. We are waiting for her to have a biopsy and see from there.

Whenever there is a trial or a test, I wonder what Satan's trying to do apart from the obvious and I wonder what God is doing to rescue us? There are lots of people involved so only they will truly know what God is doing in them during this time. For me, the timing is impeccable.

Myles and I took a first step yesterday in regards to our marriage and then this happens. It's like Satan is trying to keep us from doing something. With Myles' Mum sick, now is not the time to take this step. I could still pursue it but I know Myles needs me to love and support him right now. Yet I know this may accomplish the same goal. So what's the LORD doing?

I think the LORD will use this time to strengthen my love for Myles, focus on others, to remind me how blessed I am, and of what really matters.

One day you are smiling over flowers from your little son and the next day you are crying over your Mother-in-law's pain. I can remember a time when sickness didn't touch my life, when the greatest drama was family arguments. Now, there is sickness every year.

I was only just saying to the LORD last week that I am so over mourning, that I wanted to celebrate life and remember my loved ones who are all gone as Joel Osteen does. That they went to be with the LORD. And they are happiest where they are now.

If I am over mourning, then I have one final step to take, to let go of the past and set my eyes on the future he has for us, me and my loved ones.

It's ironic that my verse for this week is Jer 29:11. How can I see my mother-in-law's cancer as something positive? Because I believe the LORD will be with us, will meet our needs, and use this time to bring us all closer together. I know and believe the LORD doesn't want to harm us, but to help us.

Satan wants the opposite, he wants us to give up, to blame the LORD, to take our eyes off God and drown in the mayhem he wants to create. He wants to steal, kill and destroy us. He knows times like this either unite us or divide us. I choose to let it unite us no matter how hard it gets.

today's highlight

My son gave me flowers today. I was outside hanging the washing with him and their were dandelions nearby. He picked one and gave it to me. Of course I was so happy, he picked 3 more for me. Made me feel like the best Mum in the world!!!

I think this was spurred on by his Dad who was outside with him yesterday and they walked in with a little flower. He told Caleb to give it to me. Such a great example.

Will take a picture and post it. Myles said I should press them. Great idea. Put it in Caleb's box of treasures.

God books

In the last week I have read Joyce Meyer's 'Simple Prayer' and Gary Chapman's 'The Five Love Languages'. I've known of the Love Languages book for years but I've always been sceptical of any book that attaches a number to it...5 this, 7 that, etc. But I saw Gary Chapman on Joyce's programme last year and it rang true to me. So finally read it.

It needs further study, but I am definitely getting the children's love language book too. It was a surprise to me because I always thought physical touch was important to me but as it turns out quality time is much more important. It was equal first with receiving gifts which I knew was my other one. making me bilingual.

I love giving gifts...not just things i've bought but something at home that I've heard someone say they need, or something I can make. I always listen out for those things from other people and make a mental note so if I can get it for them or in case I find it.

My brother despairs sometimes when he comes home and finds his favourite blanket is missing or the exercise ball that was sitting there doing nothing is suddenly gone to someone who wants one just when he decides to use it :) I'm forever giving things away.

Joyce's book confirmed lots of stuff that I knew already. There was a story about a couple who were sure the LORD wanted to bless them with a child. The woman became pregnant, but miscarried. She had 3 more miscarriages. But they didn't give up and persisted so sure was their faith and were finally blessed with a child.

I lost a child - an entopic pregnancy. It was devastating because we had been trying for 2 years and within a day, I found out i was carrying a living 7 week embryo that we had to terminate. I can't imagine miscarrying 4 times.

I would be spewing and I would have given up after the 2nd child. How could they maintain a grateful attitude and persevere??? I would have declared Satan the winner and found another alternative like adopting.

We had been trying for 6 years before I had Caleb, but I had the entopic and a large ovarian cyst which meant my good ovary had no fallopian tube and then I was told I had more cysts and they needed to be removed before attempting pregnancy...so IVF was our last hope. But if it didn't work and we didn't produce any embryos then I would have given up and adopted.

The LORD asks so much of us sometimes, but nothing that he knows we can't cope with and he always provides a way out (1 Cor 10:13). Just amazes me how much some of us can actually cope with.

women

I've been reading lots of women's blogs (thanks, Faith!) and I realise just how much we love to share. Most of them are about our every day lives, how crazy we are and how we cope. I wonder if i read a lot of men's blogs if it would have anything about their every day lives?

The LORD in his infinite wisdom so made us to compliment men. I love reading about the lives of other women on the other side of the world. It makes me realise that we all have so much in common yet we're all so different! God is so funny. He must love the internet and how it spreads his word and good news all over the world. It helps connect his body.

My life should be getting back to normal next week. My mum leaves on Thursday. So will be just me and my little man during the day. Establish some routines, think of lots of fun things we can do to entertain him and me, and of cours rest!

Volleyball starts again tomorrow night. We are in a harder grade and I still want to play. I'm almost 20 weeks preggy so still early days. Actually went last tues to register and have a bash. Loved it, but games were so much fun, I got carried away and forgot to be careful. So will have to watch that.

life's little dramas

I am a nervous Mum, which is very weird because I'm normally so calm in emergency situations. Everyone else loses the plot and I immediately go into crisis management mode. But with Caleb, I just can't cope with anything happening to him. I put it down to being a 1st time Mum and wanting a child for so long. Now he's here I'm scared I will lose him.

I know it's silly. This week Caleb had a rash all over his back and front and we took him to emergency. I tried to stay calm but before we even pulled into emergency I was crying.

He had the cold for the 1st time in his young life so he was on antibiotics, and the rash was a reaction to it. But while he had the cold, he was teething as well, so he was on panadol as well. He didn't take it very well, and spewed a couple of times. The 2nd time, I lost it, and couldn't stop crying.

It could be hormones as well, with pregnancy, but i'm becoming a stress head.

As for my year's challenge: Better today. But the evening is still young :)

new challenge

I set myself that challenge last night to put aside my own troubles and take up the LORD's cause every day. To ask myself: What can I do today for the LORD's cause? Not for myself, but for him?

So today I failed miserably! I spent time with my man, and kept asking myself those questions, meanwhile not behaving very loving or joyful at all towards him. I thought to myself...is this it? Is this the LORD's cause, treating my man with love and respect even when he's annoying me? Surely not, oh well, it was early on in the day so something else must pop up.

Then speaking to my mum, who also seemed determined to annoy me...all the while asking the LORD what can I do today for your cause, not for myself but for you??

Now it's the end of the day, and it has dawned on me that I had plenty of opportunities to do something for the LORD and not for myself, just with my loved ones. I didn't feel loved and so in turn behaved unlovingly. Instead of putting my own feelings aside and being loving for the LORD's sake I chose to wallow in self-pity! As Joyce would say 'what about me, what about me, what about me'.

Have to laugh...good thing I have all year to work at this...try again tomorrow :)

blessings and privilege

Some of us live very privileged lives. I am one of these. It's not that I have no debt, or have everything I desire, but I have more than enough. I sometimes wonder how the LORD will judge those of us who have more than enough. Will he look at our church efforts and commitments and think we served him well? Or will he say - you had more than enough yet you gave less then those who had hardly anything?

Those Christians who live on the fringe, at the battle front, seem to be much more motivated than many found in comfortable churches around the world. Why is that?? There's this huge apathy...like we just don't get God's cause or find our own overwhelming enough....the world's cares get in the way???

We need conferences and courses to stir us up, but these people have their everyday lives to stir them. Our everyday lives are full of comfort.

Look at mine. I have a beautiful home, safe neighbourhood, a swimming pool in my backyard, more than enough food, water and clothes, a comfortable bed. Family who also live in safety. When Caleb was born I bought everything he needed without any struggle. He has more than enough.

These are all blessings from the LORD. Somehow I should be doing more for the privilege of such a life. The LORD needs us all to step up and save the world. I just feel like we are letting him down. I'm letting him down. Doing what we can instead of doing ALL we can. It's the difference between us and the widow who gave all she had, 2 small coins, as an offering. She gave everything, we give what we can, what is required of us, sometimes the minimum and not the maximum.

I'm not belittling our every day struggles. I have some of my own which weigh me down. But it's like worshiping the LORD...I lay my struggles at his feet and forget about me, focusing on him and how much he deserves my all, and nothing, not those around me, not my 2nd rate voice, can stop me for worshipping the LORD with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength.

Our every day lives should be the same...put aside our personal struggles and each day take up God's cause and serve him with all our hearts, souls, minds and strength. Whatever we do, do it as if for the LORD himself.

I'm going to ask myself that every day: What can I do today for the LORD's cause? Not for myself, but for him? Hold me accountable if you're reading this. It's challenging....but hey it's a new year...anything is possible...i wonder what lies ahead?