trust

you think you trust the LORD but you don't realise how small that trust is until he takes away the ground you stand on.

some rely on their education, on knowledge, on their family, put their security in knowing they will always be able to take care of themselves - the security of a job or a career, of being able to provide. Or if they're one of the priviledged few - rely on their true love. Their future seems secure and safe.

So what happens when the LORD takes it all away? Why would he let this happen to us? I believe he does it to show us that we don't really trust him. We don't know the meaning of trust. The moment he takes something from us, we try to to fix it, take back control of our lives, we put everything on hold until we can solve this problem. We stop trusting.

Because if we really trusted him we would know he let this happen to us for a reason. To teach us something about ourselves. To help us to let go and grow.

When the LORD answered my prayers to save my husband, to have a child, he did it in a way which showed me I had to trust him more than I have ever trusted before. I have to keep believing in the impossible, even when bad things happen, even if it means losing a child, losing a husband. I have to believe he knows what he is doing.

He teaches me that holding on to his hand as I step out into the dark is the safest place to be. Not the light that surrounds the little world I have created for myself and who I think I am. That was great when I was a child, but if I want to be everything I can be, I have to step out the door into the dark. Just me holding on to his hand.

There were treasures in this world which I couldn't do without. My security blankets. I feel like the LORD has stripped the most important ones away. Stripped away anything which I relied on. So my faith is in him alone. Not in who I am, but in who he is. My strength is in him not in who I am.

In the last couple of years I have been through trials and tests which have turned my world upside down. Yet I thought my faith was in the LORD. I know now that trusting the LORD is a life journey. It means believing that he knows better than me what's best for me. Especially when bad things happen. It's an every day commitment to choose to follow him.

I have so much to learn and it's not been easy. It wouldn't be a test if it was easy ;-)