where have I been???

hello world...

i feel like ive been walking for a long time without resting since my last entry...how life can be so different within a few weeks!
im so glad the Lords ways are not my waysand that somehow he always shows up in perfect timming without delay.
Im thankful that he knows what I need without my knowing...he knows how to answer prayers in ways i always thought impossible.

Im more thankful that tho i feel ive been wandering in the wilderness, he is still my anchor and the lighthouse that guides me back to safety when im weary and in need of straightening.
I bought two lighthouse pictures for my house last week....why they asked me? its a secret between meand my father in heaven..the ever present, faithful help in times of need.

he is so amazing that even tho all this stuff is whilwinding around me, the chaos,the betrayal, the sorrow,the anger and confusion.......i look up and i still see him....i look around i see mortality...i look up i see eternity, as eyternal as his love for me...that no heartache shall supercede what MY GOD has andwill do for me!

whatever his plans are, i know through all the heartache and sorrow, he has made way for me!!

Praisethe Lord saints...he binds up the wounded and heals the brokenhearted :)

future thoughts

What seed will I sow TODAY for my future?

Will I sow destruction or will I sow life?

funeral

Irene's funeral was today. Special moment was when her friend of 13 years spoke about how Irene was too beautiful for this world. Sad moment was her 3yr daughter saying she wanted to see mummy.

I am glad that i know the LORD is my provider and how he's helping me deal with loss, struggles and tests. I am just one of his children. How is he using Irene's death in the lives of his other children? Her children? How will they cope with the loss of their Mum? I know it's been months since they lived with her, but she was still their Mum. I know she loved them dearly.

I have no idea, but I pray for those two little ones. I pray that Jer 29:11 will be true for them. I put my hope in the LORD that he will provide for them his very best. And that he would show us if there is anything else we can do to help them apart from pray and pray and pray. People, even Christians underestimate the power of prayer. But it's our direct line to the LORD and it gives him the opportunity to act in our lives. In those two little kids lives.

Thank you LORD that what seems impossible to us is more than possible with you. That even though we don't know the answers we know you and trust that you are in control of our lives. In control of Javen and Zarah's lives. Thank you LORD for your love that even death has lost it's sting for us because it means an eternity with you.

In your mighty name, Lord Jesus.

being one

I'm half a person without him,
I'm here in body but the rest of me is waiting in silence for him to return

it's only a glimpse of what it means to be ONE
to love ONE

I might smile, laugh, and no one will know the difference
But if they could see within me
If they could see past my brown eyes
there is something missing

my heart
the light in my day
the LORD's creation made just for me

The LORD is our provider

Since the LORD answered my prayers on Monday I have been studying TRUST and doing Joyce's battlefield of the mind series online. He has been filling me with good thoughts and last night I was reminded that I wasn't Irene's only Christian friend. There were a couple of people from church and an old friend of hers and also Frank, our pastor.

Last time I spoke to her she was in contact with Frank. So the LORD had a few people helping her. When she got no joy from one she would ring another.

The LORD would never leave her alone. He knew her state of mind and he never gives up on any of us. He reminded me of who he is and how much he cares for one sheep. Irene made another bad choice and this time there was no going back.

He reminded me of his promise - that in all things he works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Rom 8:28). I don't know why he decided it was time for Irene but his purposes span time and generations. She had two children in foster care.

Who knows. But I trust that he knows best. If I had found out about Irene last week, I wouldn't have overcome my negative thoughts. Satan would have had a field day. It had the potential to break me.

But God's perfect timing meant I didn't find out until he had spoken to me first. Until he had encouraged me and answered my calls for help.

He was probably protecting my next generation - if my emotions effect my baby then she/he is going to be one sad child...marriage problems...lost two special people in my life. These three things alone had the potential to destroy my faith.

Thankfully my hope is in the LORD, and I will trust him with all my heart and not lean on my own understanding and in all my ways I will acknowledge him and he will make my paths straight. (prov 3:5)

irene

Found out last night that a friend of mine died of a drug overdose last thursday. Her name was Irene. Who was she?

a saw a girl sitting in the dark with a small candle
her only source of light

She saw light in abundance in the distance.
She went their on Sundays.

But Monday through to Saturday she was surrounded by darkness with only her small candle.
She struggled to keep it's flame burning.

The LORD showed me that we needed to go out and take light to her.
So one day her whole world would be filled with light.

Her candle was burning low and it barely lit up the darkness around her feet.
She needed someone to bring her light.

This was Irene. She came to us not looking for a church but a church family. She sat at church sometimes listening and sometimes far away. She didn't need to hear about the LORD, she needed real examples of the LORD. She needed brothers and sisters that cared and accepted her. She needed friendship and support. She was living in isolation, doing life on her own, not by choice but because it was too hard for others to sacrifice their own lives to stand beside her.

What I admired about Irene was how she held on to her faith, held on to the LORD. Even in her darkest moments when she was angry with him and doubted him, she still talked to him. Her candle never blew out. People with less problems then her would have given up a long time ago. But even when her kids were taken away from her. She had hope. The LORD was still teaching her.

I know I let her down. I hadn't spoken to her in 2 months. We are responsible for each other. She wasn't able to make right choices, but I was. She didn't want pity she wanted friendship, love and acceptance. I wasn't strong enough to give her this.

My hope is in the LORD that he never let go of her and even at the end of her life she had enough light to see her through to his kingdom. She believed in him and I hope and pray that she is finally free from all her burdens. I hope to see her again.

the LORD rules my every day life

Today the LORD'S message to me is all about my mind...I've been battling with my thoughts again. actually it is my main battlefield. But at the moment i'm losing that battle. So my man gave me some advice last nite: STOP DWELLING ON IT.

I looked up Joyce Meyer's website this morning, scanned her list of programmes and saw one called: think about what i'm thinking about and my immediate response was I NEED THAT, so I listened to it.

Joyce is also on at noon on the christian channel, which I try to watch regularly, but the last week I have missed it a few times. But today I was determined not to miss her. I turn it on and she's wearing the same clothes as the session on my computer. I'm like 'don't tell me it's the same session.'

It was. She was preaching on : THINK ABOUT WHAT I'M THINKING ABOUT. This always happens to me and it still makes me jump for joy! Because it confirms that the LORD cares about my every day life, that he confirms his messages for me TODAY, and shows me what I need TODAY.

That's his Holy Spirit prompting me on what I need and then confirming it in my regular time with him. If I didn't have a relationship with him, I wouldn't have this every day guidance.

So now I know the LORD's answer to my prayers - I'm going to be obedient and listen to the complete series in joyce's website where 'think about what i'm thinking about' is PART 1.

LORD
Thanks for guiding me for showing me how much you care about me TODAY, right where I am now with all the messy thoughts I'm thinking of. Thanks for meeting my needs and seeing that I can't do this on my own, that I'm losing the battle, and providing a way for me to cope.

You are the LORD of my life and I put my trust in you.

In Jesus' name I pray and receive your awesome grace and love.

nite owl again

Well I had my 12 weeks or so of going to bed early and waking up early...starting to slip back to my nite owl ways. I blame it on the soccer...World Cup football in Germany.

All the games are on late. Watching Ecuador vs Costa Rica and Ecuador is 1 goal up. Going to watch the next game too, which is England vs Trinidad and Tobago. I remember lots of English players from watching the English league in London. So I enjoy watching them.

I'm an All Black supporter, that's rugby for those who don't know. So soccer is not really a game true blue kiwis follow. Except when NZ made the soccer World Cup back in the 80s.

But when I went to the UK I caught that fever. You can't help it if you live there...everywhere there's soccer and everyone is soccer mad. We lived in an Arsenal area but I have always liked Manchester United...even before David Beckham!

I'm wide awake watching this game while my man sleeps on the couch...he tries to watch games but he's always been a morning person and that will never change. I would have to hold his eyelids open and scare him silly every few minutes to successfully keep him awake.

Tho he managed to stay awake of the Australian game. I think I woke up my quiet suburban street with my screams when australia scored each goal. What a game!

preggy note

Yesterday had the worse headache, muscle related. I told a couple of family members and they had different advice, but both never experienced headaches so they thought it was a bit strange.

Now if I didn't have my preggy guide book (there are tons out there) I would have started to worry and think something was wrong. No one has ever told me about having a congested (stuffy) nose either and that's one of my symptoms.

My preggy book is great for Myles because he can read it and reassure himself that his wife is not going crazy and she's just preggy. OK she's a little crazy but it's mostly being pregnant.

It amazes me what women go through. (Now I don't want to scare any men reading this who are thinking or planning to be a dad so just skip the next sentence.) It's like having a period 24/7 - being overly emotional, pain, tiredness, etc JUST minus the bleeding. The good news is that after 9 mths you have this amazing tiny little person to hold in your arms.

How did women survive in the old days? I guess they relied on personal experiences of their women relatives and friends. But what if these women didn't have the same symptoms? You would think something was wrong with you.

What about my own mum, having children on a tiny Pacific Island where it's better to be sick at home than go to the one and only hospital. She would have relied heavily on my grandmother's experience and her older sister who both had lots of children. But even they both experienced miscarriages. That's one of the realities of living in a 3rd world country.

Myles use to say that I was born in hut and he was born in Lower Hutt (a suburb in New Zealand).

Makes me feel very privileged to live in Australia. Yet living in a prosperous developed country isn't where my security lies. It's in knowing that the LORD is in control of my life and my hope is in him.

LORD

please bless our child's life. Help him/her to grow healthy and strong in me. Protect him/her from any bad choices I make about his/her welfare over the coming months. Help Myles and I to prepare to be awesome loving parents. Please fill our child with your spirit so he/she will have a heart seeking you, discernment and wisdom, and a loving nature.

thank you LORD for guiding our steps and for your protection over us as we safely progress into week 14. In Jesus name I pray.

change

hooray we are finally back online!!!

We have moved house and now we live in a very quiet suburb in Sydney...it' s more like a village where everyone knows everyone. I seem to be the only Pacific Islander here apart from my cousins who live down the road.

No more looking out the window of my house and wondering if I'm in Sydney or Beijing. I'm going to miss being surrounded by Asian cultures - the yummy food, the cheap shopping. It's funny my mum being a kiwi in her ways, use to feel completely unsafe being surrounded by Asians, but me, I felt very much at home. In the end she realised that Asians are not the least bit interested in her. Spoke to her on the phone and she said she is going to miss our old place. That's my mum, always looking into the past.

Maybe it's because I'm an ethnic minority, but I always feel safer surrounded by different cultures. We have usually lived in spots where their are other ethnic cultures where we can enjoy their food, and exposure to other ways of life. Even in London, we lived in a mostly turkish cypriot area (how is that spelt?? anyways people from Cyprus). We loved the food and had a favourite cypriot restaurant on the high st.

Oh well time for change.

I have been thinking about CHANGE alot lately. How the LORD always changes us and we are always in the process of BECOMING the beautiful creations he knows we are....SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL WORTHY OF KEEPING FOR ALL ETERNITY.

Even generational, each generation should be better than the last, because hopefully their parents have taught them well, and they can learn from their mistakes. Because life is short we don't have time for TRIAL AND ERROR in every aspect of our life. Yes, we all have to experience some things for ourselves because it's the only way we will learn. But hopefully some things we have learnt from our elders and adopt them because we have seen the value of them in their life experiences.

Now there is this next generation growing in me. Our baby is 13 weeks and I am almost in my 2nd trimester. Out of the danger zone. I am the most careful mum there is out there. It's my 2nd child, the first one only lasted 7 weeks, being an entopic pregnancy. I have waited 5 years for this baby and just when it's growing inside of me, I don't want to take any risks that would jeopardise his/her life. People think now I can take it easier, but until baby is out I will be careful.

I am enjoying every single pregnancy symptom. I think my man could be getting sick of me describing them to him every 5 mins - but oh well, he's got to experience some of it too! Actually he's been getting a lot of sympathy pains! My man has been great - massaging my head, when i'm tired he basically takes over while I curl up on the couch or in bed.

When I spewed for the first time, I was like 'HOOORAAAY, I'm pregnant!'

Anyways back to change. The more I know the LORD the more I am expected to change. I can't have as many self-indulgent moments as I use to because life becomes less about self and more about others. Just being responsible for the little I have in my hand is more than enough for me.

My marriage is going through tons of changes. It has had some terrible changes in the last few years but the LORD is pouring truth and light into our lives, that the darkness has no choice but to be exposed and repelled. It has to be done no matter how scarry or how hard it is.

We have a baby to prepare for, a new generation to fill with his love so the LORD will never be forgotten. We can't do that if the no. 1 example our baby has of God's love is not built on solid ground, not strong enough to survive life's storms.

We can't afford to be complacent anymore. We have to change, to renew our minds so we can be transformed. Otherwise we are doomed to follow the patterns of this world.

If I get nothing else right in my life - if I fail as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter, as a cousin, as a niece but manage to pass on a legacy of God's love to our children then I can meet my Creator satisfied that I was a wife and a mother. Any other achievements will pale in comparison.