marked

something within me cries out to you
recognises your majesty
who you are
in a simple song
an act of kindness
my babies faces

it's like even if it's not visible from the outside
I am marked on the inside.
something within me knows that i belong to you.
That you are my Shepherd King.
My LORD and Saviour.
My Redeemer.

Yes, I belong to you.
Marked on the inside.

my mum

Responding to Faith's comment has reminded me of the power of praying Mums. Made me think of my Mum and how her prayers have covered me over my 40 yrs. So wanted to write a positive post about her. Mum has certain traits that I would love to emulate. Here's my list:

• prayer and worship. Mum is a prayer warrior. She spends every morning praying and singing praise to the LORD before she even gets out of bed. I can always hear her singing traditional hymns as she goes about her day. When she rocks my little ones, she sings more worship songs.
• she taught herself how to knit and cook. I remember her baking cookies and cakes. There was always a container full of something yummy when i was young. She knitted us clothes and now my children are blessed to have clothes from her too. And she taught me.
• she very rarely follows the crowd and she comes from a big family so it can be overwhelming not following everyone else! She normally stands up for what she believes in and is not afraid to stand alone.
• family and church are very important to her. When we were little and 1st moved to NZ from Samoa she would send us to english speaking churches. As for family...she loves her family and always tries to gather them together wherever she is. So when she's here visiting me, my house can get rather full!
• she's extremely hardworking. To the point of exhaustion sometimes! She does get out of balance with it, but she always wants to tackle everything and doesn't like leaving things for the next day.
• she plays with children. She doesn't just give them something to play with but actually takes time out to play with them and enjoys it.
• she's young at heart. Mum turns 60 this year but she's like a big kid sometimes.
• she loves the LORD. Spends time with him and always remembers him in everything she does.

my daughter

I pray the LORD binds us together so whenever you need me I will know. I worried that I wouldn't love you as much as i love Caleb. I worried in vain. When i hold you in my arms, see you look at me, I am flooded with dreams, hopes and love for you.

I dream that your dreams come true
I hope that you will fly like an eagle
That all the LORD has planned for you will come true
And you will open all the awesome gifts he has for you.

I feel like the LORD. Hoping and dreaming the impossible for you will be possible. Why dream only for some when the LORD is offering it all? Even as a 40 yr old I still dream the impossible. My life has not fazed me because I know my Redeemer lives.

But as a Mum, I worry for your safety. Girls are so vulnerable in this world. I hope and pray that the LORD will keep you safe from harm and that his angels will carry you away from danger. Be a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path.

skin rash

my son has had this skin irritation just under his bottom lip. He 1st had it when he was sick with the cold. We thought it could have been his teeth. At night he's woken up by it and touches his bottom lip with his fingers pulling it out in the process...not exactly tugging at it, but just pushing it. It's almost become a habit now. Then he rubs the left side of his mouth with the back of his hand because it's itchy. This causes a red patch on the right side of his mouth. You can kind of see it on the picture above with him and riley.

We have tried different creams recommended by our Doctor and even had a 2nd opinion with other creams. Tried putting vaseline on it. It's very upsetting because it goes away and we think hooray it's cleared up. Then a couple of weeks later it's back.

Last night it happened again. I've tried googling it but because it could be a number of things there's no other solution apart from what we're doing already. I held him in my arms last night and I couldn't stop crying to see him so disturbed because he was so tired but kept trying to press him lip with his fingers. Then the scratching started.

It could be teething, drooling, an allergy, overheating....all of the above!

I have prayed about it. But the LORD hasn't taken it away yet. And I'm still no clearer as to what it is. So going to take him to the doctor again. I'm worried it's going to leave a scar because it's been happening on and off for months now.

Need to be observant about it. So i can narrow down when it happens. It's always when he's asleep that it irritates him. My poor son.

movies

i have not spent a lot of time with the LORD lately. I thank the LORD for prayer! The ability to talk to the LORD whenever and wherever has been my life saver over the years. And yet again, this is keeping me afloat. I always have time to talk to him.

I have watched two stink movies lately in my after midnight sessions with riley. But both had messages straight from the LORD. That shed light on my life - in both these cases about my marriage. How do i know it was from the LORD? Because i recognised it immediately as truth. It was about me and it's always as if they looked into my soul and found what I already knew was there but couldn't put my finger on. As always the LORD being the creator of my soul cut right to the heart of me.

I said to him, why are you using these two mediocre movies to speak to me - i mean they could at least be memorable ones! And i realised it's because I haven't spent a lot of time in study or reading my daily sources or in the word. So typical of him - he stepped into my every day life.

I love it when he does that because it shows me how much he cares that he can still touch my life right where I'm at. I watched these movies because I don't need to concentrate on them, but they might be funny or a bit of a story that i can follow in the background while i hang with my daughter. A romantic comedy would be great...but haven't found anything yet :)

Anyways he's given me a lot of food for thought. I have a lot of personal homework to do!

day dreaming

every now and then i have crazy ideas and get the travel bug. I have a list of places i would love to visit before i die. The biggest on this list would be Antarctica. I hope I get to go. An even bigger dream is space travel, but that wont be in my life time...and even if it was, it would be waaay too expensive.

So last week was hanging with my son and another idea popped into my head. Why can't we go live in New York for a year or two. Myles could get a transfer...We've always wanted to go to New York. But then the whole 9/11 happened and put that idea to bed for a while.

If we did, then what year would that be? How disruptive would that be for the kids education? It would have to be before they went to school which means in the next couple of years. But then I would miss out on crucial years in my nieces and nephews lives. Especially the older two and the youngest one!

I still haven't ruled it out. But thought maybe we could just go there for a couple of months and explore the place. That way myles gets to spend time with us rather than at work.

I'm such a dreamer! But dreaming did get me to London, Paris, Jerusalem, the Serengeti, the Disney castle in Germany with the impossible name Neuw...stein, Austria, Switzerland, Holland, etc. So will happily keep dreaming :)

movies

my little girl just went to sleep. I am watching more movies since she's staying up late. She slept the day away and wanted to eat and play after midnight.

I am one of these people that watch movies, find something in them, like in last post, and then off i go to wake up my hubby to discuss it with him. Of course, I don't just wake him willy nilly...is that a universal term? I only wake him up when it's relating to us or our marriage.

So watched this movie, wont say what it's called cos might reveal too much about us, and since only one of us blogs, it's not fair on the other to blurt out marriage stuff. But my point is this movie was really bad, it had characters i didn't even like. This was a good thing because it was like they were keeping it real, that people can be funny and stupid and weird. We're not perfect.

2nd point. This movie actually hit it on the nail about marriages and how different men and women are. And so after this I am going to wake up my man and have a deep and meaningful, which he won't enjoy because he's so not a night owl.

But that's me, far from perfect, one of these people who can't sleep when something needs discussing or is weighing heavy on my mind. So even tho i am really tired...had 50th tonite of one of my loved ones which was really low key and enjoyable...but didn't get home till late. Still common sense tells me i should go to be bed because i have church in a few hours, and baby will wake again. But no, I am still waking up my man :)

I am starting to wonder if this is me, up late thinking about my life, working out my issues at the opposite end of the day. I can cope with that. That's life.

hope

i'm a sci fi fan and i was watching a babylon 5 movie. A line was used on it about hope. The captain said he's never known hope to be anything but on a diet...something along those lines. I thought wow is that true? Is that true of the hope the LORD promises us? He said in Jeremiah that his plans are to prosper us and not harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future.

Is that hope the LORD speaks of on a diet?? Is that the hope of glory in me? Is that Christ in me?

Hope is usually most relevant in the midst of trials and tribulations. Is it ever so slim and faint that it doesn't spell out a feast in the presence of my enemies, like Psalm 23 speaks of? Cup overflowing, mercy and goodness following me for the rest of my life??

At first glance it sounds true...I remember when they wheeled me around in that hospital bed to have my operation...to remove my 7 week baby in my fallopian tube. As I lay on that bed watching things wizz pass my eyes, was i filled with hope or despair? It's a moment i remember clearly. I prayed all the way and it didn't change the fact that I was about to lose a child that I only knew existed in me that very same day. We had been trying for about 3 years to have children.

I took refuge in the LORD. And I prayed the impossible prayer to save this child as they were wheeling me towards an operation which would end his/her life. I took hope in the knowledge that this proved I could have children even tho he/she was growing in the wrong place. That seems like the hope i had was on a diet. Small consulation for the loss of a life. We had been trying for 3 years and this was our reward?? Little hope surely. Especially as this would mean more difficulty having a child with only one fallopian tube and to make matters worse they also found a large cyst on the opposite ovary...hope on a diet.

Three months later, before my cyst operation I was told they wouldn't be able to save my ovary and this would mean I couldn't have children...with no fallopian tube attached to my only good ovary. Yip, at first glance the LORD's promise of a future and a hope seemed very slim. I remember sitting in that doctor's office. I remember having to hold back tears as they stated that fact to me. Taking away that wonderful future I hoped for.

But I knew the LORD was with me. I knew my child was safe in him and that one day I would meet this little soul again. That even tho i didn't know him/her, the LORD knew. This was his creation and he was taking my child home.

I was devastated. But i put all my hope in the LORD. Hope of more children, hope that this child would experience eternity before me, see my LORD, see my Saviour, hope in the unseen. I knew Satan was trying to steal my future.

So as I prayed on that hospital bed, I was filled with such peace and comfort. I needed it to get thru the operation. Mourning would come later.

That was my hope. And yes the LORD did have a future planned for me and a hope. Yes there was a feast waiting for me. My reward for this hope? A reward I thank him throughout my days for? Two beautiful little ones fast asleep as their crazy Mum bakes a banana cake at 3:20am on this warm Sydney night.

life with two

i think because i have been tired all week, last nite i was looking forward to going out shopping. But it wasn't the shopping but more just the hanging out carefree. I spend my days with my two little ones, so they determine my daily schedule...when they eat, when they sleep or play, etc. Even though my man is at home at night, there is still sleeps, breast feeding, etc. I don't do lots in between because i am tired and i just want to sleep at the moment. (yes, can't wait for my little girl to get back to a routine!)

So it's nice to have a few hours where you just wander around, have coffee and a little something special, pop into shops and see what's out there. (popped into one of those dollar shops and they had electric hand held fans with a twist - they had a light which you could programme words into and they flash up as the fan spins around. Great stocking filler for my nieces and nephews!).

But last nite my man came home late and so by the time we got to the shops there was nothing carefree about it. We had to buy a 5oth pressie which was meant to be easy but wasn't. And didn't get to have coffee and hang out. Very sad.

And the nite before we had takeaways but didn't get what i ordered....so all very disappointing :)

It made me realise i really have to do better at scheduling time for myself. Otherwise I won't enjoy my two little ones as much and they will definitely not enjoy me! lol

I am normally up till 2am and then wake up 6am, , 7:30am, 8:30am...lots of broken sleep makes for a very sleepy mum. I'm having one of those 'what about me' moments :)

blogging

it's funny every now and then i think i should give up blogging. I have spells when life just gets busy and then my enthusiasm wanes. But then i read blogs listed on Faith's blog and realise how really great a tool this is. Especially for women who need to pour out their hearts in lots of different ways. And for me writing has always aided me in getting to the root of my problems. Often i find just by writing it down the LORD speaks to me and shines his light on the truth of who i am.

I sometimes feel like i write like the Psalms where it starts with 'woe is me' and somewhere in the midst of it all I get some perspective and wake to an awesome truth - GOD rules. So nothing is ever as bad as Satan makes out it to be when you believe and know who the LORD is. He is all knowing, and has already written all the days of our lives, and he's the master planner so he always provides us with escape routes and coping mechanisms beyond our little being. So we are never alone. And just need to remember that kids song about our God being so big...the Creator of heaven and earth stands behind me, beside me, dwells in me, carries me :) holds my hand and comforts me. ok that list could go on forever!

Enough about me! My son has been drumming all morning. He just sits on his cushion drumming away as he watches the world go by. sometimes he sings. Right now he's rummaging thru his toys and he needs some mummy time.

40 yr old turning 5

LORD
who am I, who did you want me to be?
Am i anywhere near being that person?
Or did i turn right instead of left?

How close am i really to you?
How close was i meant to be?
i am 40yrs old and I have to wonder...have i come a long way?
What was i meant to achieve by this age?

I hope and pray that my relationship with my only living biological parent doesn't reflect my relationship with you. From her point of view i don't listen, i'm full of myself and i need to be told what to do every 5mins like a 5 yr old...oh great, that is how i am with you!

Please redeem the rest of my yrs so i can catch up...at least let me grow up faster with what's left of this year...so i can at least be 10 at the end of it. I will try to listen more, and be more humble.

I love you LORD with all that's worth from my heart to yours.