my personal testimony - how I came to believe in jesus

I was a winner. I leant on my own understanding and people saw me winning.
I was too analytical to be a 'christian'. I had my own strength. My own wisdom.
I was successful. Proud.
I thought I had christian values. I did things (so people thought I was great) for my own self-gratification.

I reached a point in my life where I had no where else to turn.
"I" was no longer an option.

I love the wisdom in the bible.
I realised how shallow I had really been.

I am now more confident. More wise (and more aware of how unwise I am).
I am more satisfied in my successes (whether the world sees them as successes is another question).
I have more direction when I am lost. And when I am successful.

Jesus is the centre of my life. The centre of my analytical frameworks. As best I can.

this is my 'remove myself from the world' prayer

Lord, can I remove myself from the world. Please.
It's too hard.
I have tried. I have. You know I have tried.
I knew you said it would be hard.
But I need to rest.
It's too hard.
Take me away. Or take the world away.
We just need some time apart, the world and me.
If the world spins one way, maybe I can spin the other.
How about opening a temporal anomaly in the space time continuum.
Just for me. Please.
Amen

a poem: the burden

awake. asleep. awake.
move. slightly. reach out.
sense.
she's not there.

trepidation. depression. sadness.
annoyance. frustration. burdens.
questions. wonder. pray.

listen. concentrated listen.
decision time. get up.
enter the fray. silent battle.
diplomacy. pleading. tactics.

defeat.
depression.
2 steps back. little faith
both of bare the burden. still.

a poem: no where to be

i can't do anything.
scared. hungry.
fearful.
is this her way too? not quite.
so tight on the straight and narrow.
critique and review hammering away at anything outside the narrow.
can't talk. can't think. can't do.
then wonder why i can't go left or right in anything.
too scared. fearful.
no where to go. no where to think. no where to talk.
no where to be.

When did i fall in love?

Was it that day in school when she told me she liked me?
Was it when I observed her from afar and considered her 'forbidden fruit'?
Was it when she used to smile at me like she knew me?
Maybe that night we ate in McDonalds.
Perhaps when she used to come round to my house those early mornings. Or when she stayed till late at night. Did I fall in love in those long inseparable days.

I knew I loved her when she held me as I sobbed. When I had no one else.
I knew when the Doctor gave me my son at 3am in the morning.
When she cares for me as I sneeze and cough the days and nights away.

Falling in love it seems was a path of exploring, sharing fears, exposing, fitting together. Holding each other together. I pray I will hold her for the rest of my life.

The F word

I used to think the best word ever was 'freedom'. You could take away anything but one could always have ones freedom (if in strong willed mind only).

But I now think the best word is 'forgiveness'. Without true forgiveness we have no freedom. To forgive ourselves and others. The unspoken of assumption of 'unconditional love' is forgiveness.

Yet God was wise enough to give us free-will, to forgive or not.

So perhaps it's both F words. Total, immediate forgiveness needs and leads to freedom.

life changing decisions

Am I willing to rock the boat after 17 years together risking everything? Especially if it means ensuring my child(ren) grow up in a family full of love and the LORD.

We've been together for 17 years and the last few years have been the hardest. Right now it looks safe and comfortable. But these are words I would reserve for my home not my relationship. I'm a dreamer and I need more. To risk losing it all is better than settling for something less than all it can be.

My man and I have the opportunity to have the kind of relationship the LORD wanted his children to have. Our relationship has huge potential. And i want it all. Am I asking for the impossible? probably

picnic photos

fav photos of us at the mo...

GOD's kids

the difference between me and a non-christian is i know
to really put me first is to put the LORD first

the older I get the more I realise and experience this
To put the LORD first is to love him first
To love him first is to obey him WHOLEHEARTEDLY

what does putting me first look like?

it's making me better at loving others,

accepting myself with all my strengths and weaknesses and so making it easier to accept others,

it's learning every day what it means to live a life of eternal purpose...what i do and say is not just about me but it's from the generations before and for the generations after me..

the BIGGER picture,

it's fulfilling my biggest dreams and sorting out what's important in life,

it's opening the floodgates of heaven and giving me things i didn't even dream or imagine,

it's showing me how to be the best me....by experiencing first hand that

LIFE IS NOT ABOUT ME...

IT'S ABOUT ALL OF US...ALL GOD'S CREATIONS...

ALL HIS KIDS GOING HOME FOR ALL ETERNITY

DREAMING

Imagine...

• if every christian in every country prayed for one thing on one day....would we see mountains moved??
• 365 days in a year... if every christian agreed to pray for the same thing on each of those days...could we change the world??
• if we could fulfil the Lord's words and 'do even greater things than these', greater things than he was doing in his time...GLOBAL CHANGE??

my top 5 prayer list off the top of my head:

1. to remove evil from the lives of children so Satan couldn't touch them. Then it would be a priority for christians everywhere to reach every child in every nation and raise up a generation who would bring the LORD's eternal plans closer to completion...imagine if the LORD is waiting for that generation to complete his masterplan?
2. to remove poverty from Africa - dedicate one day of prayer to each country...to set them free from poverty would be to remove the chains Satan has put on their destiny...to set them free from what binds them and give them back their future. This would require action on our part too...churches to help villages, denominations to save one city each, find people jobs, build shelters, provide food and water....because the LORD will still need us to be his hands.
3. to unite each denomination in the body of christ so we can become that awesome body that he prayed for us to be in John 17 - to be one. each part serving in it's unique way but united with one purpose - our God's great commission. We don't have to be the same but we can each do our part without judging the other and pray for each other.
4. to save christian marriages and remove sexual immorality from christian families - sexual abuse of children, adultery, sexual immorality of any kind.
5. to fill us with his love - the LORD's perfect love which never fails. So that we will have compassion for the lost and His cause written on our hearts. So that we will be passionate about what He is passionate about and never give up on each other and our neighbours. One of Joyce Meyers book titles - REDUCE ME TO LOVE. I would pray that for each of us believers.

i can seriously dream...

but just IMAGINE if we could globally affect change just by praying together in unity...

confusion

i'm not sure what's happening lately. I feel like there is a lot of confusion and people searching for the LORD but there's not enough actual listening.

I don't know i can't put my finger on it. but i'm having God conversations with people but something is missing. i can't quite see through the confusion.

there is a lot of mourning right now and the LORD uses times like this to draw us closer to him, through his comfort he brings about changes for our good. but i don't believe it's a time to make life changing decisions. It's a time to recover, to get rid of all the baggage, to just stand still, talk to the LORD and then listen.....it's the listening bit that's missing because as you mourn it becomes all about you....your pain, your hurt, your anger, your sadness.....and you turn to the LORD but at the same time...you need to be still and know that he is God.

Isaiah 46:9,10 was my reading today:
Remember the former things, those of long ago;
I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is none like me.

I make known the end from the beginning,
from ancient times, what is still to come.
I say: My purpose will stand,
and I will do all that I please.

The LORD is trying to fulfil his purpose from the death of my cousin. But if we make it all about us then confusion reigns and we might do good but we miss the good the LORD had planned for us specifically to do.

In writing all this I am now clearer on why all this talking doesn't feel right. Thanks, Lord! show us LORD what your plan is, help us to sift through all the rubbish and find the gold that you are creating in our midst - to make the choices we need to make to walk in your way, your plans, and take our eyes off those things that don't matter. not talking about the obvious stuff but sifting through all the good that we can do to find the good that you want us to do....reminded of that impt message you gave us in the purpose driven life book - satan is happy for us to do be busy doing good as long as he keeps us from fulfilling our main purpose in life - what you created specifically for us to do for you.

love you LORD, you are my God and there is no other. you have redeemed my life and i praise your name for you plans are amazing. i can't begin to comprehend what you are trying to achieve in each of our lives but i know if we walk in your way we will draw closer to you. thank you LORD. in your awesome name I pray Lord Jesus.


From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.
What I have said, that will I bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do.
(Isaiah 46:11)

thanks

LORD, thanks for making me a mum. Best gift ever!

my 1st year as a mum

I have just watched south africa kick our butt in rugby super 14! Oh well, about time there was an all south african final - but it doesn't bode well for us in the World Cup :-(

so its 3:30am in sydney which makes it mother's day. I count when I first became a mum as the day I found out I was preggy - so that was back in April last year. This makes it just over a year since I've been a mum. This will be my first mother's day with Caleb in my arms rather than my tummy.

I'm excited about celebrating it more so than my birthday. I'm actually a mum! Not just a girl responsible for myself, but a mum responsible for a little boy. I feel like screaming it out...I'M A MUM! I can celebrate being a mum!!!

My highlights of my 1st year...off the top of my head at 3:30amish:

• my first ultrasound - seeing caleb growing, his heart beating.
• having him kick me
• holding caleb for the first time - after a very long labour and a caesarian operation where I couldn't keep my arms from shaking uncontrollably - partly due to the anaesthetic and also because I had the chills. I was so relieved to see he was fine that nothing else mattered.
• sleeping with him in the hospital because he woke up crying. He was so tiny in my arms and I felt such a bond with him.
• watching him - his facial expressions, hand movements, his tiny hands and feet growing, how cute he sleeps, the sounds he makes
• seeing him change - how much more personality he has now, his smiles and squeals, his teeth, being able to grab his foot and pull it to his mouth, how he kicks like crazy when he's all excited...
• kissing and hugging him, snuggling him

ok that's enough. i have loved my first year as a mum and it's only the beginning...

tithing promise fulfilled

TITHING PROMISE:

Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. (Malachi 3:10)

I finally realise what the fulfilment of this promise looks like in my life. It's my son.

I prayed about tithing last month and I said to the LORD what does that mean 'the floodgates of heaven'? So I was starting to wonder what this looked like. Whenever I have committed to a church I tithe because I love that promise. Very rarely does the LORD say TEST ME. My favourite verse Romans 12:2 is another.

I was looking at my son this week and the LORD put this verse in my head...'the floodgates of heaven'. I suddenly realised having Caleb was the floodgates of heaven opening for me.

I struggled for 5 years to have a child and I lost a child. But here is my son. This little being is the LORD's gift to me and my husband. He's ours to take care of, to love, to protect. God created this vulnerable child just for us. He trusts us with him. I have in my hands a piece of heaven.

I SURRENDER!

I read something which basically said...whatever happens in your present - the LORD can fix it in your future.

The reality is we often try to fix our own stuff ups and in affect take back control of our future. We don't realise we are changing our future negatively because we actually think we are trying to fix our future, so we can get back on track.

It's our BIGGEST mistake because we are taking back control from the LORD. He has our future already written. The plans he has for us are to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). That future is in the LORD's hands and will stay that way if we trust him in the present.

My best advice to myself and anyone out there is SURRENDER IT TO THE LORD.

But I like to fix things...I stuff up I try to fix it....I see something else stuffed up and I try to fix it. Instead I just make things worse because it was never mine to fix. It was mine to surrender to the LORD. Mine to say 'LORD I stuffed this up, please help me, show me what to do, sorry!' or 'LORD, this is stuffed up, if you want me to do anything about it then show me, otherwise I will leave it in your hands'

I have learnt that as soon as I cast my cares on the LORD I don't have to worry about how to fix it. I leave it with him and soon enough he gives me a solution to what seemed impossible to fix...or he just takes it away completely. And suddenly i have other opportunities opened to me because the LORD has provided a way out for me. He has taken what was for my downfall and turned it into good.

I am no surprise to him - he knew i would stuff up and in my future he planned for it. It's beyond my comprehension. But it works every time. He turns my mistakes into blessings, my failures into life lessons that mould me into a better and stronger person.